I’m not passing judgement here, but I have to say I just can’t imagine not being there for the birth of your own kid, unless there was some hugely important thing keeping you away. I mean what more momentous occassion is there? I can’t imagine giving birth without my husband there sharing it with me, and I know he feels the same way. My labor & delivery took 52 hours and he kept me company and kept me sane. I’d have been climbing the walls if he hadn’t been there. He is my partner in this world for everything, and especially the really important stuff. You wouldn’t miss your kid’s graduation, or their first birthday, or their wedding… would you?
If both parties feel they don’t want to be together during that time, that’s their business… I just don’t comprehend it at all.
Have three kids, all c-sections and was by the operating table for them all. The first an emergency, the next two scheduled.
Emergency c-sections are a good thing to avoid if possible. You can’t do much to assist, and certainly SO wasn’t making much progress herself as B1 never engaged. She was drugged to the eyeballs for most of the labour and was barely aware I was there. Didn’t even swing a punch or abuse me!
Scheduled c-sections are like a dental appointment. At 9:05 SO is cracking jokes with the medical staff and at 9:10 she’s no longer pregnant.
The neat thing about a c-section is that Dad gets to carry bub to the nursery and gets in about an hours bonding before Mum is brought back from the recovery ward.
Interesting comparison: When my younger brother was born in 1971, my sisters and I weren’t even allowed into the maternity hospital. First time we saw him was after Mum was discharged four days later.
Maybe this sounds tacky or whatever, but I’m thinking, ok dude, you were there when it got in, you can be there when it comes out.
Y’know?
The woman HAS to be there. She doesn’t get a choice on that, if she is having a baby. So… the dude should be there too. He doesn’t have to go peekaboo at the goings-on in the stirrup area or cut the cord. But just be in the room and get his hand squeezed or whatever.
With that said, I wanted to add that it should be the woman’s choice as to whether the husband or SO is there.
Having your mom or sister might be better, because sometimes dudes just do not say the things that might make you feel better like a close female relative would.
There are several types of doulas, but the one I’m talking about is a trained labor coach. She’s there to be your knowledgeable support person and advocate. She doesn’t work for the hospital, she works for you. She doesn’t leave you when the shifts change–she’s there until the kid is born (this policy just about killed my doula–my kid was in NO hurry to get out and see the world). Research has shown that labors attended by doulas typically go faster and require fewer interventions. There’s a lot of benefit to having somethere who knows you, who cares about you in a way that’s different than the caregiver-patient relationship you have with the other staff at the hospital or birthing center (and don’t get me wrong, doulas also can help at homebirths). My doctor was all for it.
There are also postpartum doulas, people who go home with you and ease those first few days of recovery and settling in.
We loved having a doula. It was a good thing. And Robin, I didn’t mean to knock Bradley (I valued what it taught me, and how it moved me from being someone who shared Rewire’s viewpoint of birthing to someone who saw it as a totally natural, normal process) but the way our instructor put forth the husband’s role just wasn’t very respectful, I thought, of individual differences and preferences. Maybe this was HER more than it was Bradley.
And I agree it’s great how far they’ve come in allowing people in the hospital for the “event.” I didn’t want my MIL there, but if I’d felt differently, we could have had a damn party in our room. They even bent rules a lot so nearly anyone could come see our son in the NICU.
I was in the delivery room(s) when our children were born, not because I was emotionally blackmailed into it or for any other negative reason. I went because these were the two most important events of our life as a couple.
Yes, sometimes I felt inadequate and fifth-wheelish. But to be able talk to Barb and hold her hand; to let her know that we were going through it as a team (not just the birth, but parenting for the rest of our lives) bonded us as husband and wife in a way no other event could.
And to see our children when they were first brought into the light of day – well, the emotion is overwhelming.
Gross? Yes. Uncomfortable? You bet. Am I glad I did it? Absolutely.
I’ve seen dogs give birth, and once is enough. The second time I let it pass with a glance, and for babies, I would really avoid it. I bet most of the nurses would skip it too. Full of tension and really strange.
Thanks for the clarification, Cranky. Actually, when I took my Bradley classes 11 years ago doulas weren’t mentioned much. My teacher also pushed the idea that the husband should be able to do it on his own. Maybe it had to do with hospitals not being ready to let more support people in. (Some had only recently allowed the husband to be present.) Also, I think there are more doulas/labor assistants available today, so it is more often an option.
Rewire, I think your decision not to have children was probably a good one, given your feelings about them. I feel compelled, however, to disabuse you of this notion:
It certainly can be, but it isn’t always. Much depends on the woman, (some women just give birth more easily than others) how well prepared she is, what sort of support system she has, and the atmosphere in which she gives birth. Is she strapped onto a hospital bed, covered in sterile drapes, surrounded by masked faces and being treated as a medical patient? Or is she allowed to move about, changing positions throughout labor to keep her body most comfortable, surrounded by friends/family/a doctor she knows and trusts, and given constant encouragement? Many aspects of a common hospital birth-IV hookup at admission, no food or water, confining the woman to bed-can make childbirth unpleasant and much more painful. The very worst thing the medical establishment ever did to laboring women was to force them to deliver lying on their backs. It is certainly more convenient for the doctor, but it is a horrible position to be in if you’re trying to push out a baby.
I’m a Bradley Dad, twice over (and at least partially responsible for converting Cranky), and absolutely NOTHING was going to keep me from being with my wife when she delivered our kids. The only thing about which I had any doubts whatsoever was cutting the cord, but at the moment of truth, I took the scissors without a second thought and cut away. I was surprised at how tough the cord was, too - it took more effort than I expected.
I suspect, Cranky, that your issues really ARE with your instructor. We had two, and they were both great. The best part about Bradley, as far as we’re concerned, is that it gave us so much more information about what to expect and what our options were - stuff that medical staffs are less likely to tell you. Before Bradley, we’d never heard of a birthing plan, for instance, but we developed one and insisted that our OB follow it. I could go on and on…
