My girlfriend and I were talking about her sister who is having a baby. Her sister is 29, married and wants her mother along with her husband in the delivery room when she has her baby. That just creeped me out and I said so. She said that it is more common than I think. Lots of women have their mother in the delivery room. First off…and I know this is a GQ but I have a two part question…How common is this? Are there actual statistics for this sort of thing? I know of no one who has done this. Am I naive? Are there women all over the country watching their grandchildren being born? Shouldn’t this moment be a bonding moment between the father and mother and child? Do we really need the grandmother in there too?
I was thinking about this today. I realize that I have a natural bias that colors my view. My girlfriend is 27 and still lives at home. That is relatively common here due to the high cost of living. But she makes enough money that she could easily afford to move out and is indeed doing so in the next month or so. I think that a child should move out on their own much earlier…or at least want to. She was in no hurry until I started pushing her to stand on her own. She and I have had this discussion many times. Again, she thinks this is normal behavior. Even though she thinks that her mom in the delivery room is normal, she doesn’t want that. I am divorced, partly due to my ex-wife’s inability to let go of her mother so I am not in the best position to see this situation clearly. You’ve heard of mamma’s boys. Well trust me, there are mamma’s girls too. Her mom is nice, but this seems awfull strange to me. I’m seeing red flags, but I might be overly sensitive. I’ve tried to give just the barest facts because I don’t want to bias you all too much. I’d appreciate your feedback.
I had my mum and sister at my second birth, a dear friend at my third, and ALL the kids at my fourth (I went into serious labour quickly, and we couldn’t raise our arranged babysitter, or anyone else for that matter!)
I don’t know about common, but it certainly happens fairly frequently especially in ‘birthing units’ (as opposed to a normal hospital delivery room).
As for your g/f living at home, that too is becoming more common as the costs of housing get higher and higher. When I was a teenager, most kids were out of home by 18…nowadays, they’re not going anywhere until they have finshed uni and saved the deposit for a house (or so it seems).
I don’t have any kids, but I thought this was fairly common. I personally wouldn’t want anyone to be in the delivery room except for me and hubby (if we were having kids). I have watched several baby stories on t.v. and most of the ones I have seen have several family members in the room not just the grandmother. But then again if you were allowing a camera for national t.v. to view the birth of your child, I guess you wouldn’t think too much about having the grandmother or any other close relative in there. Note: I am not by any means knocking on people that have chosen to have cameras in the delivery room. I think it is great and very educational so my hat is really of to the women that can do that.
I had my mom in the delivery room when I had my daughter. She was a big help, too. Face it…how much does a first-time father really know about giving birth? He’s anxious, and so is a first-time mom. At least Grandma has done this before. I have heard now that you can actually hire someone called a doula who performs many of the same roles that my mom performed–staying with you during labor, rubbing your back, keeping you calm, etc., etc. So, some women actually hire a “stranger” to be in the delivery room with them! I was pretty lucky to have someone willing to do that for free I don’t think it’s “creepy” at all. That’s a big burden you’re expecting the husband to shoulder, especially if he’s never been through it before. My husband was relieved to have my mom there.
I found that I really lost my sense of modesty when I gave birth. I mean, you have all kinds of people looking and poking and prodding down there. You stop caring who sees you. Birth isn’t really the intimate moment you seem to be expecting–at least, not in my experience.
Having Grandma there for the conception is creepy; for the birth, not creepy.
This is my first post here (I’ve been lurking for a while) so excuse me if there is something wrong with it.
I had my mother and my husband in the delivery room with me when my daughter was born. I had originally been told that I could only have one person but the doctor told me he had no problem with it.
My mother was thrilled, and later told me it had been the best day of her life.
She passed away when my daughter was five years old, and I’m really glad I had that opportunity.
My mil came over to the hospital for the pre-birth room. My wife was really glad she was there. Unfortunately, none of us were allowed in the actual delivery room.
I asked my mother to be in the delivery room with me for the birth of my second child because she hadn’t done that before! My brother and I are adopted and she had not had the exciting experience of pregnancy and birth.
Like TeaRoses mom, my mother said it was the best day of her life.
I’d never have my mother in with me but my cousin had hers in with her and they said it was a great experience. I’m not really close to my mother and that makes a big difference!
With my daughter I had my friend (she’d had 3 kids) so I could have someone on my side who had been through all this before and could tell me when they were lying (Yeah … breathe… this won’t hurt a bit!) Unfortunately she had to leave when they wheeled me in for the Csection but hubby was allowed in with me
As far as living at home goes I usually think of 30 as the cutoff… if they’re still there at 30 something’s odd in my opinion.
Thinkin’ about the births in my extended family, I’d say it’s been more usual for the mother or even MIL to be in the delivery room. If/when the Dr. cuts it down to one visitor, the mom figure stays and the husband goes back to the waiting room.
zydecat
In my humble opinion - and I have never had a baby - if a pregnant lady wants her mother/husband/father/neice/sister/uncle/brother/best friend/grandmother/yoga intructor in there with her, she should ask that person.
Everyone’s family is different and when you get right down to it, it is the pregnant lady’s day and she should call some of the shots, surely?
Why does it bother you who your your girlfriend’s pregnant sister wants in the delivery room with her?
If she wanted you in there, that’s when your opinion would count.
Thanks for the replies. I think I may have overstated the creepiness factor. My question was two-fold. First, how common. Apparently, it is more common than I know. I have never met anyone who has done this before. I used to joke with my ex-wife when my children were born that she should have her mother in there for the experience factor.
The second question dealt with my personal “issues” regarding MILs. I see the birthing process as a chance for father/mother/child to bond. I think that there are some areas that a grownup family should get to do together, without outside help… such as finances, where to live, and maybe even having a child. I’m not exactly sure how I feel about that last part. Because my girlfriend is in a very high salary range, is 27, yet still needs her mother’s approval on key aspects of her life is troubling to me. For example, her mother wouldn’t let her move out on her own because, “Why throw money away on rent?” when she could have in fact, bought almost anyplace she would have wanted. So when I see the mother in the delivery room with the sister, I had to wonder whether this was a control issue, a daughter who couldn’t break away from her mother issue, or just a normal family experience. I also wondered if it would someday be an issue for my girlfriend and me if we became more serious.
I understand that these are two separate questions/issues. Maybe it is more my problem than anyone elses. Thanks again
You do know that, traditionally, girls stayed with their parents until they were married, right? Is your girlfriend the more traditional sort? Perhaps that tradition is important to her family.
Perhaps your girlfriend didn’t want to throw money away on rent, and she also didn’t feel ready to take on the maintainance, etc. of a house all by herself at such a young age. That seems pretty practical to me. Also, you say that she could afford to buy just about every house in your area, but perhaps she doesn’t think so. Some people need more of a “comfort zone” than others regarding financial matters.
On the other hand, if your girlfriend could afford to move out and really wanted to move out and was letting her parents stop her from doing so…well, that might be a warning sign. Frankly, it looks like, from your OP, that she was living with her parents to please them and is now moving out to please you. :dubious:
It sounds like your girlfriend has a close family, and she is probably always going to seek their advice in important matters. A lot of people look to their parents as a font of wisdom. I know I do.
Actually, having fathers in the delivery room is a very recent thing. In the past, men were rarely present while a woman was giving birth-it was usually a midwife and her female relatives.
Now, there are always exceptions, but seriously-this is actually a very traditional thing.
I think you probably have some issues of your own you need to work out.
Only a few short decades ago, it was unthinkable to have the father in the delivery room at all!
Bonding during the birth is a nice idea in theory, but when it comes to passing a human being through a little tiny hole, practical matters are more important. If it makes a woman feel better to have her mommy there, then she will have an easier birth. And as Tamex said, Grandma can be a tremendous help to the new daddy. The birth is hard for him as well.
Obviously, having additional family members in the delivery room has become quite common. So much so that our birth education nurse made sure to tell me that it was MY decision who should be in the room, and not to feel pressured by anyone who wanted or expected to be there. I wanted only my husband there, but if, by some unforseen circumstance, he couldn’t be there, I would have loved to have my mom there. I just didn’t want more than one person.
And to build on something kambuckta brought up–I didn’t have a “delivery room” anyway. I gave birth in an ordinary hospital, but the maternity rooms were all “birthing rooms,” where the mother labors and delivers and recovers in the same room. This is becoming more and more common. So family members may be in the birthing room, but not present for the actual birth. In my case, many family members were around during labor and recovery, but only my husband was present at the birth itself.
OK, check out this birthing party! For the first one, I had my husband, my mom and his mom in the delivery room with me! He was up by my head “coaching”, and each grandma was “downtown”, so they are the ones who saw the baby first. My mom even cut the cord. They were both thrilled and honored (and probably a little grossed out, but they never said anything).
The second time, it was my husband, my mom, his mom, his sister and two friends of mine (mother and daughter). Everybody wanted to be there and thought it was cool. Especially my SIL who wanted to really know what happened, what it was like, etc.
Having the grandmas there helped a lot, because hubby had no experience and wasn’t sure what to do the first time around.
My birth, which I loved, had quite a crowd too. Me, my husband and the baby were joined by my best girlfriend, his mom, and my mom, with his dad waiting outside. I was so happy to have all the support from the women who are closest to me - support both emotionally and physically (helping me to curl around the baby and puuuuush!). I wouldn’t have changed a thing and didn’t find having a group to be intrusive at all.
After the birth however, when the baby was still so very very new, I wanted time with just me and my husband and the Liddle Twiddle, and shooed everyone away for a few days. Then the hordes decended and we had visitors for about a month…but that is another thread.
I don’t think it’s “creepy” at all. That’s a big burden you’re expecting the husband to shoulder, especially if he’s never been through it before. My husband was relieved to have my mom there.