Grandpa's Dead! Let's have a big ol' get together!

The BBQ Pit
21

Freeloaders always manage to come out for funerals. The invitation, unlike weddings that they haven’t been invited too, are in the paper. Better than a wedding, there are no presents involved.

Funerals bring out the loons.

I think the crux of the problem is that fundamentally, people are not taught or shown proper funeral etiquette. Weddings and fine dining, yes. But really, Death stuff is a social taboo. Any type of conversing in a jocular manner should be out in the hallway or the back of the room, quietly. The area around the casket should be reserved for respect.
It is particularly hard to deal with this when you are directly involved
( spouse/sibling/child/grand child). It’s like, " I am miserable and you are fucking laughing or planning a “lets get together’ party. How DARE YOU.” Your anger and frustration are totally understandable. Other than gracefully asking the funeral director and someone involved in the family who knows who is who, to keep things orderly, I fear there isn’t much else to do. Pepper spray, as far as I know, isn’t considered a viable option for Mortuary Crowd Control.
I hope my funeral is a circus, or at least a like a vegas show act. Cheesy, tacky, yet hypnotically entertaining. Maybe I should rent some nickel slots and have Bingo played at my gig.

**It Wouldn’t Be A Funeral Thread Without One Of Shirley’s Anecdotes **

When Brother #3 died, we had a very distant ( and very loony) cousin make his appearance. I was like, " Ahhh, ma…what is X doing here? We haven’t seen them since 1978…" My mom cracked up and said, " The food, they will drive 100 miles for free food."

Sure enough, at #2 brother’s funeral, they showed up again, and during part of the pre-funeral prayer opening kick off ceremony ( I’m still not too sure what that was all about.) This loon’s cell phone went off and he didn’t actually leave the chapel, he just went to a corner to talk and , well, being made of marble, asshole, it echoed. Fartknocker. Oh, and they stayed until the food was cleared from the Ladies of the Church who put on the spread of " pasta salads and jello molds" which I refer to these ladies as " the Lazarus Society". meh.

Then during both previous funeral Lazarus Society luncheonette thingies afterwards, I was trapped after #3’s by my mom’s crazy cousin who has hips as wide as a two kitchen chairs together and she is definately losing it upstairs in the graymatter where she rambled on about GOD KNOWS WHAT for a filibuster of at least an hour before I could graciously escape. After #2’s Lunchonette thingie, I saw this crazy cousin wobble in the door and immediately take a table right next to the pasta/jello mold display and I proceeded to hide from her by sitting on the floor between two nuns for the rest of the afternoon. I ain’t no fool. The nuns - this crazy lady’s cousins’ - said I did the right thing.
[/anecdote] I’ll shut up now.

I am very sorry for your loss, Jarbaby. I am sending good vibes to you and your Grandmother during this hard time.

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Sorry jar…I know you wish you could trade places with him, as do most of us, but carry on the good fight, and make him proud.

Best of luck.

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Jarbabyj,

 I feel horrible for you too.  I'm sorry for your loss, I truly am...these never get easier.
 My family has standing orders to give me an old fashioned 'New Orleans' style funeral.  With music and dancing and celebration of the time I've spent here.  I'm not old( I'm 35 ) but, we've talked about it at length.  To me, it's a horrid thought to have friends and family who've survived me to be grieved at that time.  Maybe it's just me...I'm guessing not.  From your post your grandfather seemed like the kind of man that welcomed that sort of thing also. It could be that the folks who showed up (that knew him) understood his nature more than you realize. I realize it's a stretch.... 
 Again with all respect and condolences. It's a truly awful thing that's happened to your family.

FWIW, I’m not putting undue strain on my family with my funeral wishes, my life insurance will cover all costs without hurting my loved ones financially.

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My condolences again on your loss.

I can understand if people who don’t get to see each other often want to spend some time socializing. But not while standing around the casket. And it definitely sounds like your uncle was more interested in basking in the glory of his status as a religious leader than mourning his own father’s death.

My mother died the day before the Challenger disaster. A large number of my friends showed up at the funeral. Since most of them are science fiction fans and avid followers of the space program, it wasn’t terribly surprising that there was some discussion about the latest news reports, the future of the shuttle program, etc. But they didn’t do it in the viewing room, but out in the hallway or down in the lounge area. And they were certainly more respectful of my family’s grief than your uncle’s congregation was.

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Just a thought …

If Grandma really was crying uncontrollably the whole time, it could be that your uncle’s flock were scared to approach her. I mean, approaching someone you don’t know at a funeral is hard enough as it is. Maybe they thought since she was so upset that it’d be best to talk to her at another time and let those closest to her be near while she was at her most distraught state.

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My thought was, if you can’t handle talking to the family of the deceased, or indeed don’t even know them…why the hell are you there?

Shirley, I love anecdotes. It was funny, at the funeral, the priest said “Karl is in heaven now, at the banquet table with our lord, and jesus is serving him…faithfully”

and our whole family had to keep from laughing, since all we EVER DID was FIX A PLATE FOR GRANDPA. Even in his FIFTIES, when he was spry, he would just sit at the table and say “get me a little macaroni salad”

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That would be true of family members and friends of the family and deceased – distant cousins and whatnot who rarely see each other except at family gatherings (weddings, funerals etc.)

But the whole point of the OP seeemed to be talking specifically about non-family members and strangers (to all but the uncle) who weren’t acquainted with the deceased at all! And who really weren’t there to pay their respects.

It was a congregation of “church-buddies” that see each other every Sunday and socialize very regularly (in fact the OP mentioned chit-chat about social plans they had and were looking forward to). They came in, said “hello, so sorry about your loss” to the one family member they did know, but showed no interest or respect for the deceased and other family members. They hung out with each other for a few hours of lighthearted chatter. Not quite comparable to family members who are renewing ties at the reception after the funeral.

The viewing is to provide a chance for a final farewell. Many people need to see the deceased in the casket in order to fully have closure. It is NOT like the post-funeral reception. It is the time to pay respects to the family and say a private “goodbye” to the person who has died.

While it’s fine and dandy for them to want to be supportive of the one uncle, their friend, there was really no need to swarm the place and ignore the deceased and family. Send flowers, do indeed stop by and give condolences to the uncle that you do know, then respectfully exit to allow the family and friends who know the deceased to have time together to grieve their loss and say goodbye. Be supportive, but not instrusive.

I’m so sorry for your loss jar. And I agree with you, totally. They were too cavalier in their approach. I mean if the funeral director actually had to create two lines – one to herd the “socials” and one for those who were actually there to pay respects – sheesh!

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That’s how my family does funerals. My in-laws are all about the pomp and circumstance. They actually bought new jewelry for my sister-in-law to wear in eternity. She always wanted rubies (sigh…)

My uncle wants to be tossed into his compost heap. My dad (and I) will donate to the anatomical gift society where up-and-coming doctors can practice on real bodies (there is a shortage, believe it or not). I’ve finally convinced my husband to at least do the organ donor thing. Man, if he goes before his mother, all-out war will be declared. I’m not looking forward to it.

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I hate to hijack, but Shirley Ujest, I always think of you when we have to do a funeral. Your family has endured a way bigger ration of shit than anyone should have to. Yet you manage to maintain your sense of humor and keep a level head. I’m in awe of your style.

(and now…back to our regularly scheduled thread)

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I know exactly where you’re coming from jarbabyj. At my father’s funeral, some cousins from a really weird family came up and did the “view the body” thing (which bugs me, but that’s another story), then greeted all of us. Then they stood, about three feet from the casket, directly in front of it, and had what can only be described as a party.

I thought there was going to be bloodshed. (If anyone remembers, this is the same family where my aunt wouldn’t drive me home after I broke my collarbone while visiting. She said I had to walk.)

My deepest condolences.

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My thought was, if you can’t handle talking to the family of the deceased, or indeed don’t even know them…why the hell are you there?

But they were talking to the family of the deceased: your uncle. And it doesn’t sound like your grandmother was up for meeting total strangers at the time anyway.

Look, I was just throwing out a guess as to why they didn’t approach her. I’m not saying they should or shouldn’t have, as I wasn’t there. I don’t think these people were intending to be rude, though.

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I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, what an incredible person he must have been.

When my mom and her siblings were growing up in northern New Jersey, there was a group of elderly women you could now call “Funeral Groupies”. They’d hop all over town to whatever viewing or funeral was going on, bawl their eyes out, kiss and hug every relative there and ask someone “So who died?”. Honestly, they had some strange fixation with attending wakes and funerals. They showed up at my grandfather’s funeral and did the same thing. In mid-wail, one of them asked my then-teenage mother who was in the coffin. Strange.

My family does funerals and wakes like a party, too. There have definitely been times when things were more somber – the death of my 48-year old uncle from early onset Alzheimers, for instance - but for the most part we use it as an excuse to celebrate that person. When one of my other uncles died of a heart attack, we all got totally bombed on Sambuca after the funeral and told horrible off color jokes all night. Disrespectful? Some may say. But I know my uncle would have wished to live one more day to join us. Hell, he probably did join us :slight_smile:

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We’re telling anecdotes now? Great!

A highlight of dropdad’s life was when he went to the wake of an ex-girlfriend’s father. He’s praying at the coffin when her brothers come up and told him he wasn’t welcome there. It being an Irish wake and all, Dad ended up laying both of them across their father’s casket. Life don’t get no better than that!

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I HOPE you meant “laying out”! Ewwwwww!

:wink:

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Sorry about your loss :frowning:
My Grandmother died recently and we had a traditional Irish wake for her. She was laid out on her bed and friends, family and neighbours stayed the night in her house with her telling stories, singing, drinking (not getting to drunk however) and basically having a big ol party to celebrate her life. Somebody walking by would have thought it was a party going on. My mother and her sister stayed with my Nana all night(even to having a sleep on the bed beside her) along with a piper in the corner playing her favourite songs. It was a great night and a fine way to celebrate my Nana’s life.

However

I’d have been pissed if that was the situation and people were just using my families grief as a free ticket for fun :mad:

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Jarbaby, I am so sorry for your loss! I can certainly understand you being angry about the situation at the funeral home. That’s dreadful! I don’t think they were meaning to be rude, but, still, talk about clueless!

My own anecdote:
My mother sold Stanley Home Products (mostly cleaning stuff) for many years, and sold stuff to her regular customers up to about a month before she died. When she was laid out, in the funeral home, many of her long-time customers came to pay their respect. I thought it was nice. Then one customer comes in, walks up to me, and says “I need some Degreaser”. I said “Excuse me, but that’s my mother over there”. “I know, but I really need some Degreaser”. Me: “I understand what you’re saying, but try to understand this; that’s my mother over there; dead”. She kept saying “I really need some Degreaser”, finally, I got my husband, and asked him to please make sure the woman got out of the funeral home safely. I didn’t hear anything else from the woman.

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Now that’s a loyal customer!!

I know it was tramautic for you, but I’m in sales, and I’m having a hearty chuckle at that picture, and I think your mother would have too if she were able. What a saleswoman she must have been!