Grandpa's Dead! Let's have a big ol' get together!

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m not even really sure if this is a RANT perse, or just a question about etiquette or what, but I know that when it happened I got so angry that my mother almost asked me to excuse myself.

As some people know, I lost my grandfather last weekend to a lingering, stroke related illness. He was a lapsed, casual sort of Catholic, a good man, a great grandfather and father and a fun guy. I am devastated by his loss for dozens of reasons.

His son, my uncle, became a very evangelistic Baptist Pastor late in his life, and his church’s ‘funeral committee’, and how fun are THOSE meetings, took it upon themselves to sort of ‘cater’ our viewing (which was from 1:30 to 9:00), making sure the family was fed and rested and full of coffee.

My god, how sweet that was! Generous and kind. I was so thankful to be able to go out into the vestibule and have a brownie and some coffee and get away from the casket and such for a while. For that I was thankful.

What I wasn’t thankful for was the minimum 200 people from my uncle’s congregation coming to the viewing, hanging around all day, and having basically what amounted to a church social while my grandfather was in a casket, gone forever, not twenty feet away. My sister and I sat in the straightback chairs and watched as they rushed up to pray with my Uncle, to hug him to ‘pay their respects’ and then breeze right past my grandmother and the casket to go talk to someone about some dinner party next week. The whole youth group came and hugged my uncle’s daughters, then made plans for a movie.

The funeral director coordinated two lines outside the room:

One to see my uncle
One to see my grandfather

No shit.

They ate our food and drank our coffee (which I realize was given freely, and didn’t “belong” to us) and laughed it up and had a great time IN THE FUNERAL HOME making plans for next weekend’s Mission Trip to somewhere or Youth Group Events coming up. Patting each other on the back and saying “Brother, you truly are a servant of Christ” while my cousin wept in the corner uncontrollably.

And of course, giving me, the official family basketcase, their condolensences. This involves explaining who I am, how I found out, where I live, “which son is your father?” “were you close?” and the fantastic “How are you doing?” Just what I don’t want to talk about since I can barely hold it together as it is. And to vent my soul to a total f-ing stranger that I’ll never see again was particularly unappealing. Receiving hugs from folks I don’t know is oogy in REGULAR circumstances, on this day it was worse. I was real tempted to ask them for ONE significant fact about my grandfather…his first name, his middle initial, how many kids he had…anything.

OR ELSE, JUST ADMIT YOU ARE HERE TO BROWN NOSE TO YOUR PASTOR. YOU ARE HERE TO LOOK LIKE A GOOD CHRISTIAN.

I can see that you want to support your church leader, but do you have to stick around from 3 to 7? Do you have no fucking sense of propriety? Do you see how his widow is racked with pain and sobbing, having never been alone for 58 fucking years, and now the love of her life is dead? Did it ever pop into your head to say “maybe this isn’t the place to talk about our habitat for humanity trip”?

Do I have a warped view of what this viewing should have been? I honestly want to know since I’ve only been to two funerals in my lifetime. I was under the impression that it would be a day for the family to be together and talk and mourn and remember grandpa, not a day to schmooze with Mod Christians and make my uncle feel important.

2

Sorry about your loss, jarbabyj. :frowning:

I don’t know what is proper etiquette is in your part of the country, but in Hawaii that would be sorta normal (although not THAT long). There are refreshments served, and most people do stick around afterwards and renew ties with one another (I guess sometimes a funeral or a wedding is the only time some of us relatives see one another). I have never been to a funeral here that hasn’t done that.

Remember, though, this is in Hawaii, where giving money to the deceased’s family at the funeral is extremely common (called koden ). I participated in a thread in GQ last week where mostly everyone had not heard of this practice.

3

I’m sorry for your loss. Death is always difficult to deal with. However, we just buried my father-in-law, and the wake and funeral were uplifting, to say the least. He and MIL were married almost 61 years. I know it sounds horrible, but we were laughing, chatting, and reminiscing. It was really a celebration of his life (he, too, had the lingering stroke thing compounded by cancer). We were sad when he first went (while we waited for hospice to finalize the paperwork), but then it was OK. It’s so different when someone has lived a long, full life. I’m sure no one meant him or the family any disrespect. I’m sorry this was hard on you. You’ll find as you attend more funerals, you just can’t tell how it’s going to go down. Some are terribly sad, others are more of a circus atmosphere. You just never know. Again, you have my condolences.

4

But I would say 80% of the people there didn’t even KNOW my grandfather. At ALL.

I had a wonderful time telling stories with my sister and cousins and spending time with my grandma and uncles and aunts…it was the whole separate group of people ‘socializing’ that bothered me.

5

See, this is why my family doesn’t do funerals. If one of us dies, we just want to be quietly dumped in a ditch somewhere. No fuss, no bother, and most of all, no drama.

6

First, I’m sorry about your loss. If you loved him so much he must have been a helluva guy. {{{{{jarbaby}}}}}

Second, I’m torn. Yes, a wake, especially for an elderly person should, in my eyes, be a celebration of his life with plenty of laughter and coffee and brownies and maybe a flask or two. However, these jokers were obviously not there to celebrate your grandfather’s life. It sounds like they didn’t even know him. Me, I’ll go to a wake for a friend’s parent even if I don’t know the deceased (in a recent case I didn’t realize until two weeks later that I had worked with the guy :eek: ) but then it is merely walk in, say a prayer over the casket, greet my friend, express my condolences and lend moral support, and leave. Emphasis on the part about leaving, which these people seem to have missed.

As a person who is more prone to snottiness if I am sad, I might have asked Uncle who these people were, did they know Grandpa, and when they were planning to leave so that the mourners could get on with it since this wasn’t a public affair. And I would’ve asked it loud enough for them to hear. All is not lost, though. At the next family function you could ask your uncle to not bring his entourage if you happen to die before him. Loud enough so that the entire family hears. I assume he’s a clueless jerk and incapable of catching your point but maybe his wife will say something to him and you will save someone else from the misery you endured.

7

I’d be royally pissed if that was a funeral of one of my family members.

Your uncle’s congregation had every right to come by and offer their condolences. But that’s it. Once that task was accomplished, social hour can take place somewhere else. Hell, it could have taken place 10 feet away, OUTSIDE.

Jar, if I were you, I’d call up your uncle, have him thank the congregation for their hospitality, and then tell him that their continued presence and socializing made you and many other members of the family needlessly uncomfortable, and that he should address the subject to prevent something like that happening again to the next family that’s tangentially related to the congregation. And ask for a copy of the church bulletin in which it’s addressed, because you’re serious about it.

8

Re-reading your OP, I see where you are coming from. But I don’t think they were being truly insensitive. Perhaps they were just comfortable in the fact that they DO know your uncle, they probably felt they were being there for him, and add to that, that congregation is in a sense, their “home base”, adding to the familiarity of the situation. Just MHO.

9

jarbabyj I’m sorry for your loss.
I would also like to commend you for your restraint. In the same situation I would have made a number of nasty comments, possibly including yelling and made an uncomfortable situation a million times worse.

I agree with Munch -this is something that should be addressed with your uncle, so no one has to go through what your family did at a such vulnerable time. I wonder about the kind of people who would sit around having a great time at the viewing of someone they didn’t even know.

10

How wack.

Sorry to hear of the FUBAR’d viewing. In my family, we cremate, have a quick ceremony, and then have a party. But I honestly wouldn’t want a bunch of strangers around myself or my family during a time of loss.

Sorry for your loss.

Sam

11

jarbabyj, you were right to be upset. Those people were truely insensitive.

Haj

12

I am so sorry for your loss. Dealing with that with any amount of grace is truly an act of strength on your part.

I would have lost it. But then again, I don’t do funerals, I mourn privately so I can allow myself to lose it and collect myself again without trying to maintain a public face. I know I can’t handle funerals. Adding anything on top of the funeral itself to the issue would be bad.

I highly suggest talking to your uncle about it. It doesn’t have to be a public dressing down, but asking him to share your concerns about the flippant rudeness of his congregation with his congregation is a decent start. Support is good, ignoring the pain of others is not, and the motives of the group were made unclear by their actions.

13

If you honestly want to know, I would say it depends on the place. Where I was brought up, funerals were handled more or less in the way you’re describing (except that the concern would probably be genuine, since it was a small place, so everybody would know quite well the person who passed away). There would be a lot of people visiting, remote relatives or neighbors would take care of things, there would be a meal, coffee, etc… Where I now live, funerals would be the moment for the close family to mourn and get together, indeed.
Perhaps it’s the way it’s usually handled in your granpa’s place. Depending on who you are and how you’ve been brought, you could resent it.

14

This wasn’t the funeral though, it was the visitation. Some people hold a “veiwing” of the deceased for a few hours the day before the formal funeral. It’s an opportunity for those who didn’t know the person well enough to feel they should attend the funeral to give their condolonces to the bereaved, and say their farewell to the deceased. It’s not an uncommon tradition, though I think maybe more common on the East Coast.

jarbabyj I’m sorry you had to endure that. Maybe someone could have a word with the committee leader at a later time, explaining that some family members felt that some actions by committee members were crass, and insensitive. They didn’t even offer condolonces to their Pastor’s mother? :eek: I don’t blame you for being upset one bit. I’m still thinking of you, and praying. Take care of yourself, and don’t overextend yourself trying to make sure your grandmother is looked after either.
Have you made contact with a grief counselor? There are groups to help, I think you and your grandmother should go at the least, so you can find a way to keep living. If you go, she’ll be more likely to go, right?

15

The OP has described um, every single funeral I’ve ever been to, with the exception of when my teenage neighbor was killed. THAT was a sit-around-and-cry kinda service.

Other than that, nope. Growing up (and even now) funerals serve as reunions for family and friends. You go look at the body. You go cry a bit with the family. Then you go gorge yourself on Ritz crackers with ham salad on them and of course the jello mold. After you ask where you can put the casserole you brought, of course. FWIW I grew up in Kentucky and now live in West Virginia.

When my DH’s grandfather died last year, half the county showed up. I doubt a good number of them actually knew him, but they showed up for DH’s grandmother, who knows everybody. Sometimes it’s not necessary to have known the person who died, IMHO. Sometimes you go because you know their family, or you go because the deceased had a great reputation. There are people out there that I do not personally know whose funerals I would consider going to simply because I have heard of their good deeds and I’d want to show respect. I also feel the same way about some people who I am merely acquainted with.

It sounds to me as if your uncle’s congregation showed up because they love him and wanted to pay their respects to the man who produced him :slight_smile: As far as the movie thing goes, maybe they realized that the girls needed to get out of the house for a while. Sometimes you’ve just gotta break away from all the mourning for a while and go do something “normal” to get your mind off of everything.

16

I’ve been to quite a few funerals and viewings, and the congregation of the church never showed up unless they knew the deceased. The church ladies (a specific group of volunteers for such functions) would come and put on a lunch, but that was it. Having the congregation come and turn it into their own social would have absolutely floored me. I would have felt shoved aside, I think.

Would these same people show up at every wedding that was performed at that church? Just because an event is in your church doesn’t mean that you’re invited to it.

17

I believe the congregation in question is the “flock” of one of the bereaved, specifically, jarbabyj’s Uncle. That being said, it was still inconsiderate, and pretty thick headed to ignore the grieving widow, and to openly be merry when you haven’t even given a respectful word to her. A definite etiquette breach.

18

First, jar, let me just say that I’m sorry for your loss.
Second, the behavior of these people was rude and unacceptable. I do recall some laughter and conversation at funerals-BUT…this happened after the funeral itself and the burial-back at the wake at a firehall, and with family members who knew the deceased.
It was not a bunch of strangers having a social.
Sadly, however, this is not uncommon for people to view a funeral as a place to socialize and mingle. I’ve heard my father bitching about it more times than I can count. You’d think that a funeral would be one place where people would keep their manners.

Did anyone speak with the funeral directors? I would imagine if they had to create separate lines, then they KNEW these people were a disturbance, and should have said something.

Again, very sorry.

19

jarbaby, I think you have every right to be upset. These people were completely insensitive and rude. I’m also incredibly close to my grandfather, and as my uncle is also a minister, I know I’d be devastated if his congregation showed up to the funeral for a social hour - especially if they didn’t know him. It seems incredibly disrespectful to the family to use the funeral of your grandfather as a place to socialize.

You have my sympathies and condolences - your grandfather sounds like he left behind a hell of a legacy.

Ava

20

Thank you guys for your kind words. I don’t want it to seem like I disapprove of light hearted stories and jokes. That’s what got us through the day. All my grandpa did was tell dirty jokes and play cards. Although, strangely no one took me up on my offer to play gin :frowning:

I guess looking back on it, it didn’t actually HARM me, but I was in the midst of terrible grief and so highly sensitive. And I don’t feel bad for feeling bad…if that makes sense. I suppose the people did mean well, they just weren’t good at showing it.

Thanks for all the thoughts!