You know, having just visited Match.com to find out what you guys were talking about, I would rather not see a photo of the person immediately.
Somehow, it spoils the mystery and romance. Also, most still photos are hopelessly unrepresentative of people, because they are utterly, utterly 2D, and our mental imaging of people is very 3D.
For example, when I edit a 5 minute video interview, I have to export a single frame to use as the cover jpeg (the image that acts as a click through link to the video). There are 25 frames per second, and sixty seconds per minute. Do the maths.
The variation between the frames, even when people are not talking, is just incredible. The head tilting slightly to one side, the face angled differently, smiling a little, eyes slightly shut - picking one distinct frame that accurately, fairly represents what they really look like is almost impossible.
I think I would rather get to know the person over email for quite a long time first.
You know, istara, I feel the same way you do. When I first joined e-harmony, you could not see one of your matches’ photos until after you had been through the “initial contact” phase, when you had answered a short set of stock and “open” questions. I quite liked that, mainly because of what you say…it is more important to know what someone is like rather than what they look like. I did end up dating someone from that site who was more my personality type than the “look type” I might usually go for. E-harmony has changed that now, and I believe to its detriment.
If I had my choice, of course, I would prefer for nobody to have any pictures up on dating websites. But for obvious reasons, that won’t happen. Then it feels a bit like compulsion. You could choose to not put up a picture, yes…but then will potential dates think, “Well, there must be some reason he didn’t post a picture…is he some kind of troll creature”? When I get into this again, I will put up my picture, not so that matches will think, “Wow, he’s great,” but rather, “Well, he doesn’t look ugly.” If that’s bad self-esteem on my part, so be it, but that’s how I think.
Of course, it always works both ways. The last woman I dated on e-harmony never posted a photo, then when we started e-mailing each other sent me a blurry digital scan. When we finally met…she was absolutely gorgeous. Too bad it didn’t work out, though.
Yeah, but it’s also where “bi-curious” folks post. I think this really means in most cases “I’m really gay but I haven’t admitted it to myself yet.”
A lot of guys have left an assortment of kids lying around like so many old newspapers, considering them to be “yesterday’s issues”. These men are generally scum, and should be avoided. If he has kids but is involved with them (and good for him, I say), then he’s involved with his ex, too, which might be more than the new girlfriend wants to deal with. As for “separated” men, usually (in my girlfriends’ experience) this means that the man in question does not intend to actually ever get a divorce, but he DOES want to play with a new woman. He might be honestly separated, or he might just be bored with his marriage. Now, if she just wants to be a mistress, this is all fine and dandy. But if she’s looking to get married, she will, if she’s smart, rule out all “separated” men. The odds of finding one who is actually interested in a committed relationship with HER are slim to none. As for the nonsmoking, nondrinkig bit…it might just be her personal taste. Why should she go out with a smoker if she can’t stand the smell of it? Neither of them would be happy. And she might not like being around drunks. I’m not saying that everyone who drinks is a drunk (I drink occasionally, but I never get drunk) but a lot of guys think that drinking entails guzzling alcoholic beverages until they pass out or throw up, or both. Believe me, this is not prime dating material. Or she might have religious objections to smoking or drinking, in which case a tippling smoker will NOT be happy in a relationship with her. As for the money requirement…if his minimum income is that high, then she’s simply a gold digger, and any man would do well to steer clear from her, unless he’s looking for a semipro. Because that’s what she is. I do think that any woman is well within her rights to demand that any potential date be selfsupporting, though…who wants to date someone who is unemployed and living in his parents’ basement, even though he is ablebodied?
You might also want to beware of photos that look too good, both your own and others’.
I read a novel once* wherein the main character, Constance, had a friend, Birgit, who wanted to place a personal ad. Since Constance was a film student, she offered to take the photos.
Which came out beautifully. Birgit was all dolled up, standing in front of a weeping willow; the mulberry of her demurely pursed lips just matched the shade of her jacket; her golden hair was radiant in the late-afternoon sunlight, which also picked up the gleam of the gold threads in the jacket and highlit her dewy eyes…
…She got very few responses, presumably because most of the men who saw the photo were too intimidated, or wondered why someone who looked like that had to put an ad in the personals. And the ones who did respond all had the same initial reaction: “ You don’t look like your photo!”
With The Next Man Everything Will Be Different. By Eva Heller, translated from German and published in the U.S. in 1988. Same basic premise as Bridget Jones, but with much more depth, more biting satire, better characterization, and much less fake drama.
Ok, I do have to say one thing to defend the chopping of other people or someone else had mentioned pictures with previous boyfriends. Everyone knows a woman’s worst critic is herself. So, it’s pretty rare that we can look at a picture of ourselves and think “wow, I look pretty good in that picture” - so sometimes, you have to use a picture with someone else in it - some people opt to leave the ex-boyfriend in (not good) and some people decide to chop them out (looks funny). So, it really is a catch 22. Either you have a picture with an ex in it or you have a head floating next to yours. But if it’s the only picture you have that you like, you just gotta do it.
My recommendation for people wanting to meet people online. BE HONEST!. If you are overweight, don’t say that you are average, especially when your picture proves otherwise. What happens when the guy is expecting… um… average, and the woman he finally meets is um… “curvy” or “a couple of extra pounds”. It also fills up my email box with “matches” that clearly aren’t.
My rant isn’t just about weight, it’s just the most obvious and easy to explain. The point is that you are trying to meet someone you will be dating or maybe even marrying. Don’t start your relationship off with a lie. You are at least prolonging your search.
You don’t look like your photo!”