I’ve been reading the Onion for a long, long time. Every now and then, I remember some article from like five years back, and go search for it, only to find it’s gone. Like:
“NASA, NASCAR merge” - possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever read. It had everything. A big photoshopped picture of the Space Shuttle on a race track with decals all over it. Quotes like “I don’t think it’s far, because that thing can go like eleventeen billion miles an hour.” A mention of a 47-hour pit stop. And, my personal favorite, a report of the solid rocket booster being ejected into the stands, killing several thousand spectators.
“Taco Bell introduces slightly rearranged combination of ingredients.” Something about how this was different than that because the beans are now on top of the cheese instead of underneath it. Plus it’s on a slightly more oblong tortilla.
And, of course, the one that got me hooked on the Onion in the first place. I forget the title, but it was an editorial about how great the author’s balls were. No, I’m not thinking of the “Tell me now if you don’t want to see my cock” article. In this one, he waxes eloquent about what a work of art his balls are. I specifically remember him describing how, once a week, he buffs them to a high gloss with carnuba wax.
Some of these, I know, are available in the books, but I wish they were still in the archives as well. Any others?
One I’ve unsuccessfully searched for went something like “Angels in Heaven already sick of Cardinal O’Conner telling them how they do it in New York,” because it so accurately summed up the New Yorker I had to live with in college.
I think they remove certain articles from the website archives specifically so you have to buy the books to see your favorite stories. Fine by me. I love those books. I am always happy to reread my favorite “Christ Returns to the NBA”. The best part is the photo that accompanies it, showing Christ doing his trademarked “ascencion dunk”.
There’s an editorial called, “I Hope My Baby Don’t Come Out All Fucked Up and Shit”…hysterical. There was a follow up-“My Baby Don’t Need No Medicine”-but it was GONE!
Another article-Xmas Ruined by Presence of Religious Relative. Gone.
My all-time gasping for air I was laughiung so hard I nearly vomited story was ** “Mother Theresa Sent To Hell In Wacky Afterlife Mixup” **
BTW:
Taco Bells’ 5 Ingredients Combined In a Totally New Way
LOUISVILLE, KY–With great fanfare
Monday, Taco Bell unveiled the Grandito,
an exciting new permutation of refried
beans, ground beef, cheddar cheese, lettuce,
and a corn tortilla. “You’ve never tasted
Taco Bell’s five ingredients combined quite
like this,”
Plus more, but ya know… (I have a ton of Onion articles saved as emails from when i sent them to friends. If you want the rest of this, just email me. )
