Great Writing on the Dope (long)

I had to start a file to save all the little bits and quotes that made my day (shot coffee out my nose). Here’s the last week - enjoy and add your own! (formatting and line spacing courtesy of Word 2007)

Well, it won’t support life, so that’s “quite a bit” in my book.
If we see a new thread start up titled “Hand stuck in toilet - need help fast!” it’s all your fault
After using some vegetable oil, a rubber hose and an unwound wire hanger…
Plenty of time to issue the ticket once you are chin down on the garage floor.
“but the guys in my block said…”. I always tell them that there’s a reason that they send us to law school instead of, you know, PRISON before they let us practice law.
“Some people believe with great fervor preposterous things that just happen to coincide with their self-interest.” Coleman v. CIR (7th Cir. 1986), 791 F.2d 68, 69.
This Yiddishe minute has been brought to you by Mother’s Brand Gefilte Fish. “Remember, if you see an indecipherable lump of jiggling flesh on your Sabbath table, it’s got to be your Mother’s!”
Objective observers would have to agree that Don Ho’s “Tiny Bubbles” has the most beautiful melody of all time.
“You are watching the WRONG PORN.”
The Crazy tumbles out like hail on the Great Plains.
Hide the wife and grease the cat’s ass. IT’S PARTY TIME!
I’ve got lots of booze. I’ve got lots of guns. I’ve got lots of porn.
They obviously feel pain. The people castrating them just don’t particularly care.
I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful than at this particular moment to be a city girl.
I don’t want to live in a world where there’s such a thing as “testicle pliers”.
Of course, the shepherds never bothered to learn sheepish either, as it’s mostly just a lot of bleating, and who really wants to listen to them complaining all day in the field.
Just a friendly hint, if you ever see a link for “goatse”, skip it.
I am so using “Kentuckian” as a unit of measurement from now on.
You intentionally walk into a thread entitled “How big are a blue whale’s schlong and nuts” and then complain about a foreskin joke? Talk about your selective outrage.
I’m definitely going to start working “grandissimus” into casual conversation.
Ahhh, nothing like a good zombie whale penis thread to brighten my day.
Two whales swimming over the Marianas Trench. One says “water’s cold”, the other says “deep too”.
Have you ever been away from it for a few years, then got a bit drunk and ended up being back to square one after having twenty Southern Baptists between your lips the night before? On fire! Have you, have you?
One guy - “What are you doing? He might have known karate!”
2d guy - “No one knows shit if you get a good enough shot in first!”
That, ladies and gentlemen, is gravitas. She really is “one of us”, if “us” is a dingbat.
Quis fucket ipsos fuckers?
Gravity is imaginary and we are really being held down by the ankles by invisible goblins.
If only McCain had called Obama on his clear connection to Satan, he would have won.
I used to listen to Rush Limbaugh every day, just because I enjoyed screaming at my radio.
I’d annex the Sudetenland. No reason, really, just always wanted to.
I like the name. I think it’s part of what gives this place it’s character. It says “we don’t give a fuck if you think we’re snorting blow off hooker’s asses; we’re here to fight ignorance (and hopefully snort some blow off a hooker’s ass)”.
Man, that Dobson guy spends a lot of time thinking about homosexuality. I think he’s having a little tent revival in his pants.
I, for one, welcome our new impeccably dressed, show tune signing, interior decorating overlords.
In homage to the celebrity death watch, we should have a “sanctimonious religious wacko in homosexual affair” scandal watch.
No one wants to believe they were conceived under the words “Bark like a dog, Bitch!”
Because it requires significantly less Brain Bleach than imaging the alternative option of your parents humping like bunnies.
My daughter was horrified when I told her, when she was a teenager, never to have sex with any guy who wouldn’t go down on her–but later on she told me she wished she’d listened…

Studies indicate that only 38% of hotel box springs contain a dead body.

So… how do you feel about pound-me-in-the-ass State Prison?

On the plus side, I was forced to drink several frozen margaritas, for medicinal purposes of course.

WARNING: If you’ve severed a limb, suffered a heart attack, or are currently losing massive amounts of blood, call 9-1-1 BEFORE starting a new thread.

Swear to God, sometimes I think my brain is out to kill me.

Psychic chitin? I like it! It has a nice ring to it. Dare I say?

It’s kinda like the ancient martial arts of the internet - by the time you’ve mastered enough of the website to kill your brain with your bare eyeballs, you’re wise enough not to.

Drain, you provided a direct link to the Freepers without any “Shields Up!” advisory, or any suggestions for anti-cootie protocols.

We’re the largest population segment, and mark my words, erectile dysfunction, adult diaper and arthritis ads will soon rule the market.

…when I thought to myself “Careful…that thing is about as stable as a Parkinson’s patient on a unicycle”.

A terabyte for $100. What a thought. Where’s my damn hover car?

Dad always said to never forget that any airplane only knows how to do one thing, and that’s kill you.

Now we return to our freeper bashing, already in progress…

I sometimes go over there to check it out - it’s like an “aquarium of stupid”

Well captured for posterity Sir!