The Rules of Attraction
David Mamet is always quotable, and I’ll agree that the whole Blake monologue from Glengarry Glen Ross is one of his most memorable, but it overshadows others of equal merit. I particularly like the one delivered by retired intelligence agent Jean-Pierre (played by the dependable Michael Lonsdale) to Robert DeNiro’s “Sam” in Ronin as they speak over a scene of samurai miniatures that the former is putting the finishing touches on:*The “47 Ronin”, do you know it? Samurai whose master was betrayed and killed by another lord. They became ronin, masterless samurai, disgraced by another man’s treachery. For three years they plotted, pretending to be thieves, mercenaries, even madmen. That l didn’t have time to do. And then one night they struck, slipping into the castle of their lord’s betrayer, killing him. [Sam: “Nice, I like that. My kind of job.”] There’s something more. All of them committed seppuku, ritual suicide, in the courtyard of the castle. [Sam:“Well, that l don’t like so much.”] But you understand it? [Sam: “What do you mean, l understand it?”] The warrior code, the delight in the battle. You understand that, yes? But also something more. You understand there is something outside yourself that has to be served. And when that need is gone, when belief has died, what are you? A man without a master."*In one short scene, Jean-Pierre sums up both the motivation of the main character (indicating that he knows that he both is and is not what he claims to be) and the theme of the film. I guess from a lot of reviews people think that this scene is boring, and studio executives pressured Frankenheimer to remove it from the script and film because it slows down the pace or somesuch, but for me it is the centerpiece of the movie.
There’s another good one in Wag The Dog, this time delivered by DeNiro’s character, a fixer who is creating an phantom war to distract from the president’s personal problems that threaten his candidacy:And if you go to war again, who is it going to be against? Your “ability to fight a Two-ocean War” against who? Sweden and Togo? Who you sitting here to Go To War Against? That time has passed. It’s passed. It’s over. The war of the future is nuclear terrorism. It is and it will be against a small group of dissidents who, unbeknownst, perhaps, to their own governments, have blah blah blah. And to go to that war, you’ve got to be prepared. You have to be alert, and the public has to be alert. Cause that is the war of the future, and if you’re not gearing up, to fight that war, eventually the axe will fall. And you’re gonna be out in the street. And you can call this a “drill,” or you can call it “job security,” or you can call it anything you like. But I got one for you: you said, “Go to war to protect your Way of Life,” well, Chuck, this is your way of life. Isn’t it? And if there ain’t no war, then you, my friend, can go home and prematurely take up golf. Because there ain’t no war but ours.
And then there’s the closing, ironic, ubercynical monologue in a press conference held by the Donald Rumsfeld-like character played by Ed O’Neill in Spartan:Terror takes many forms. I can conceive of no act of terror
greater than the unforgivable, the ultimate destruction, that of a human soul. The kidnapping of Laura Newton has revealed to us, has allowed us to confront, and will allow us to eradicate the international traffic in souls. It was brought about because of a family’s love for their daughter. A simple American act. The love of Americans
for all our daughters, who are the soul…who are the soul of this great country. We thank God.“Time to go home,” says a random man on the street dismissively. “Lucky man,” replies the exiled, limping Scott, a casualty of realpolitik more than war.
Mamet aside, personally, I like the opening monologue to Adaptation:*Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn’t be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I’m a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There’s something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I’m way overdue. If I stop putting things off I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn’t fat I would be happier. I wouldn’t have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that’s fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more and prove myself. What if I learned Russian or something, or took up an instrument. I could speak Chinese. I’d be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that. Just be real. Confident. Isn’t that what women are attracted to? Men don’t have to be attractive. But that’s not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it’s my brain chemistry. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I’ll still be ugly though. Nothing’s going to change that.*I sometimes think Kaufman might have tapped into my head.
Stranger
Woody Allen writes amazing monologues
“What? Over? Did you say ‘over’? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! And it ain’t over now! 'Cause when the going gets tough…the tough get going! Who’s with me? Let’s go!…What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where’s the spirit? Where’s the guts? Huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you’re going to let it be the worst. ‘Oh, we’re afraid to go with you, Bluto. We might get in trouble.’ Well, just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I’m not gonna take this! Wormer? He’s a dead man. Marmalard? Dead! NIEDERMAYER…!”
“Look at the brain on Brad!”
“Say ‘what’ again, motherfucker!”
Jack Nicholson always give me chills in that scene. Say what you want about Sorkin’s ego, but he can write the hell out of a story. I also like Tom Cruise’s drunken rant about Should We or Should We Not Take the Advice of the Galactically Stupid.
Going with Sorkin and hijacking into TV monologues, Toby’s monologue to his newborn twins “Babies have hats” from the West Wing brings tears to my eyes every single damn time.
My favorite, from one of my favorite movies:
The Usual Suspects
written by Christopher McQuarrie
SSG Schwartz
Another one from Alec Baldwin (besides the Glengarry Glen Ross scene):
From Malice:
The taxi driver has a pretty good speech, too: -
*I’ve been driving this route for 15 years. I’ve brought 'em out here to get that stuff, and I’ve drove ‘em home after they had it. It changes them… On the way out here, they sit back and enjoy the ride. They talk to me; sometimes we stop and watch the sunsets, and look at the birds flyin’. Sometimes we stop and watch the birds when there ain’t no birds. And look at the sunsets when its raining. We have a swell time. And I always get a big tip. But afterwards, oh oh… They crab, crab, crab. They yell at me. Watch the lights. Watch the brakes, Watch the intersections. They scream at me to hurry. They got no faith in me, or my buggy. Yet, it’s the same cab, the same driver. and we’re going back over the very same road. It’s no fun. And no tips… After this he’ll be a perfectly normal human being. And you know what stinkers they are! *
Just saw this over the weekend.
Phoebe Cates explains how she found out there wasn’t a Santa Clause in Gremilns.
Colonel Kurtz from Apocalypse Now:
I’ll top that… Kilgore with one of teh greatest exit lines ever (Until Coppola screwed it in Redux)
"You smell that? Do you smell that? Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn’t find one of ‘em, not one stinkin’ dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like… victory. Someday this war’s gonna end… "
also for the fun of it
“I know what you’re thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk?”
The best is still Quint in Jaws… “I’ll never wear a life jacket again”
Best performance of the lot…
You missed the best part, but it is separated by some Kujan dialogue…
Kujan: Do you believe in him Verbal?
Verbal: Keaton always said, “I don’t believe in God, but I’m afraid of him.” Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze.
I agree. The surfboard stealing scene and the colonel demanding its return from the helicopter I thought cheapened the character and made him cartoonish. Leaving with the line quoted was a far better exit.
You can’t do monologues from the Untouchables without:
Followed by Capone whacking one of his lieutenants repeatedly over the head with a baseball bat, leaving him lying on the table in a slowly expanding pool of blood.
Humphrey Bogart as Capt. Queeg - 1954’s The Caine Mutiny.
“Ahh, but the strawberries that’s… that’s where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and with… geometric logic… that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox DID exist, and I’d have produced that key if they hadn’t of pulled the Caine out of action. I, I, I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officers…”
I love that movie.
Yes Yes Yes. This one got my vote also. Thanks for not making me find it. 