GRRR! Once again, the crumbsnatchers have snatched no crumbs.

The BBQ Pit
1

It’s Halloween, the time of year when the local rats crawl out of their folks’ woodwork and scurry about looking for candy. Being a good citizen and remembering the joy of demanding treats from strangers, I dutifully filled a pot with Butterfingers, 100 Grand Bars, and Skittles pouches, and waited.

And waited.

And fucking waited.

Not one little bipedal zygote made it to my apartment door. No ballerinas. No clowns. No pirates. No fairies. No ghosts, ninja, doctors, nurses, Klansmen, commandos, bums, hookers (a popular costume when I was growing up), kittens, or superheroes.

So now I’m stuck with a mostly-full pot of candy (I picked at some of it), a somewhat lighter wallet, and the prospect of gaining 10 pounds in the next 3 days as I eat this shit in lieu of real food. My tummy already hurts, and my tongue is dry from the consumption of too many Skittles.

I suppose I might have expected it. There were no kids last year either. In fact, no matter where I live there tends to be a poor turnout on Halloween. Still, I was hoping. And it wouldn’t do to be caught empty-handed if somebody showed up for trick-or-treat.

Fuck my ass sideways with a cheese grater. There is no justice. I’ll never manage to get into a decent shape in time for the MegaDopeFest this January, so my chances of wooing Miss Creant are significantly reduced. Instead of being built like The Tick, I’ll look more like Arthur.

Oh wait, I do believe I hear the 6 Train coming. Excuse me, I have to be under it. :frowning:

2

So now you’ve got de-frosting food and candy you need to get rid of?

3

I share your sympathies completely–and the wallets of my roommates and I were -already- light. :stuck_out_tongue: But there was no way to stop us from wanting to invest a little in the spirit of Halloween…besides a few kids who showed up early in the evening, the turnout was practically nil.

Damn you, miniature humans! Can you not see the delicious candy we have procured for you?! Eat! Eat, my delightful little urchins! Make your dentists rejoice with future visits!

4

And here I thought that someone else had noticed the little trays underneath the toaster that’re purported to “snatch crumbs” do not work worth a shit!

[sub]…perhaps I need to modify my toasting technique…[/sub]
z

5

I never get trick-or-treaters at my apartment, either. That’s why I hang out at my mom’s house on Halloween. However, this was a poor year for trick-or-treating there, too. She got about half the usual turnout, perhaps less. This year is being compared to ten years ago–the year of the great Halloween Blizzard when it snowed 20-something inches. Snow, anthrax–it’s all white powder, I guess.

6

The first year I lived in NYC, I wanted to be the “cool guy.” Remember when you trick-or-treated as a kid and you used to tell other passing trick-or-treaters “Hey, make sure you go to Mr. So-and-so’s place. He’s giving out cool stuff.”?

I bought the little white paper bags with pictures of ghosts on them at the drug store and carefully prepared bags of treats - mini Snickers bars, Bazooka Joe, rolls of Smarties, etc. I waited. (And I waited and waited and waited.) The little bastards never showed up. I had to bring the bags of treats to the office to avoid gaining 15 pounds.

That’s when I discovered that Halloween in New York City is more about dressing up in a vampire costume and getting mind-numbingly wasted at a bar than it is about being nice to trick-or-treaters.

I guess it all makes sense. If I had kids, I don’t think I’d want them going across the street and knocking on the door of that creepy guy with the telescope.

7

Well, I never get trick or treaters, either. As so many Dopers who’ve been to my place can attest, I live in the WAY remote nowhere area of Virginia. The nearest neighbors are 1/4 mile away. There’s just no ROI for kids to trick or treat.

But I bring candy in for my staff. And I throw a halloween party every year.

8

November 1 through October 30th:
“Now don’t you kids take any candy from strangers”.

October 31st:
“Here’s a bag. Go out and collect as much candy as you can from strangers”.

9

Same thing happened to me. I knew I might have some leftovers, so I bought a bag of both twix and kit kat bars, thinking I’d finally see if there’s a difference. Looks like in for a post-graduate degree in that area of expertise.

I think this is why Americans are getting fatter - the fattening season used to run from Thanksgiving through Christmas. Now it starts a month earlier.

10

I just want to salute you for handing out 100 Grand Bars on Halloween, even if no one showed up. You, sir, are a man of taste, honor, and caramelly goodness.

11

The creamy caramel goodness is now in my belly. Maybe it’s an attack of self-consciousness, but I think I’m visibly porkier than I was a few days ago. Looks like I’ll be doing 4 hours a night at the gym until January. As if.