God, I’m so embarrassed. Every time I get a woman to start talking about my balls, I get flustered and start saying everything three times.
sheepishly Do I still get credit for having the 400th post?
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
[thinking quietly to myself]Is this thread ever going to die?[/thinking quietly to myself]
Anybody bring Roadkill bingo? I swear to god I’d have a bingo right now, I’ve already seen a decapitated moose, a hit 'n run accident involving a deer, a couple smoked racoons, a few flattened armadillos and some pancaked opossums. BINGO DAMMIT!
“I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.”-- Calvin and Hobbes
(__)
\/-------\ | |-----| |
…c.c…c.c…
Hello, I’m Tiffany Revlon, on the scene for Channel 5, the station that CARES for you!
Gee, I’ve never seen anything like this! As far as our award-winning reporters from Channel 5, the station that CARES for you, have been able to determine, stolen beer van that has spread terror across a multistate region finally exploded in a sickening blast of flame and carnage.
[close up-shot of the blackened beer truck, a smoking deer head, broken bottles, crushed beer cans, a melting pecan log and a soprano moose.]
[Tiffany blinks madly as the strong wind miraclulously displaces her hair and lands a bit of charred pork rind in her eye.]
This terrorist action is a terrible, horrible, just awful threat to the viewers in our area from Channel 5, the station that CARES for you. We have Jason Sassoon standing by, live in our newsroom, with live interviews from the EPA, the SPCA, the National Forest Service, Clean-up America, MADD, the Sisters of Mary, Jospeh and Brandy and Benedictine, the State Highway Patrol, and a bystander in a Star Trek T-shirt who was nearly hit by the terrorist beer truck.
Jason?
[fade out to chirpy music, from Channel 5, the station that CARES for you]
Yes, Jason, I was the guy in the Star Trek shirt that almost got hit by that crazy winnebago.
There I was standing there minding my own business talking to an obvious Star Wars fan who called himself Jedi667. He was telling me about his particular brand of chritianity. He said that if I did not believe in his god and the ways of the Jedi, my Star Trek butt was going to Helllllll.
Then before I could politely explain to this chap that Star Trek was not only supperior to the ways of the Jedi, but also my God was a loving God and could love both ST fans and SW fans alike, this Winnebago with a naked angel on the side doing about 100 MPH, swerved and hit Jedi and almost hit me.
I am sure I would recognize the houligans that were driving that thing. (There was about 10 people all trying to drive at once.)
I volunteer to be the eye witness. I believe I can even talk to a sketch artist and we can come up with a composite sketch.
Jason, Oh no, here they come again. Look out!!!
Dang, they got Jason. I am getting out of here before they run over me too.
Jeffery
I didn’t have nothing to do with this. I was a hostage. That’s right. Abducted. Drinking? Yeah, but they forced me. One of them’s got a shotgun, don’t ya know. Tequila, it was. Awful stuff. I’m a teetotaler by trade.
Why, they broke my Celine Dion tape(never did have the courtesy to thank 'em for it) and they cussed me non-stop.
Cristi’s the ringleader. Her and Sue. Stole my underwear and hit me so hard my shoes fell off.
Hey, what’s with the handcuffs? I’m innocent!
I was brainwashed! I was tricked! I thought we were going jackrabbit hunting in Wyoming!
This space for rent.
I just want to know which one of you, while shooting target practice, shot out the message board all day today!
NEVER drink and shoot!!
Yer pal,
Satan
As I am a Photo Lab Tech, I whip out a handy camera; start shooting pictures of the wreck ; & make my escape by blending into the crowd of reporters & cameramen.
I’ll write to you in prison, guys!
And whatever you do, don’t bend over in the shower.
Sayonara, suckers! See you in 50 years!
Is an appreciation of beauty a function of the human soul?
Hey, hey, hey… we don’t need the handcuffs. We’ve got 3 police escorts here.
Yeah, from Ohio. Well, one of 'ems a stripper who came dressed as a cop, but they’re cops. And we’ve got lawyers.
Yeah, you better run.
Dontcha think you’re selling those shirts a little too soon, Catrandom?
I can think of one weaselly Canadian who might not make it through the night.
< glare at Wally >
On behalf of my clients, I’d like to respond to that accusation:
No comment.
-Melin, Esq.
Dammit…now I know why let let us come, Sue and Cristi! They’re going to blame us ladies for all this!!! SHEESH!
< glaring at men…y’all are in trouble now.>
“The point of a journey is not to arrive.”
-Neil Peart, Rush
John, you judge me too harshly. I took that approach only so I could engineer a jailbreak.
I notice Danny took off, though. Rat.
Anyway, we got Melin. She’ll have the charges reduced to mopery and we’ll be out in 24 hours. All she’s got do to is write up one of those *have a corpse<i/> things and were good to go.
Cheer up!
This space for rent.
John, you judge me too harshly. I took that approach only so I could engineer a jailbreak.
I notice Danny took off, though. Rat.
Anyway, we got Melin. She’ll have the charges reduced to mopery and we’ll be out in 24 hours. All she’s got do to is write up one of those have a corpse things and were good to go.
Cheer up!
Darn it!
This space for rent.
WHOOOEEEE! still clutching moose schlong
I never woulda thunk these things had so much power! But since Sister Mary Margaret preferred the snowbank to THIS… now I know!!! Thank God I got some sleep…
Hey, I think we oughta head SOUTH… got 30 acres here, we can camp until we head on to Mexico.
OH NO YOU DON’T, Wally! You will not blame this on me. UncleBeer started this whole thing. All I did was bring Cheesy Poofs. And light my hand on fire. And draw a peace sign on Metro’s butt. And talk Elelle into diverting the nuns with the moose…
Okay, that’s it. I’m not saying anymore until Melin says I can say something.
Get your T-shirts here, now revised to say “I May or May Not Survive the Guy Stuff Thread!” Available in Large and Extra Large. (Extra Extra Large is available by special order for those who are planning to spend their prison stretches getting buff in the weight room.) Only $30.00 U.S. and $65.00 Canadian.
I’m from L.A., Yue Han – and there is no such thing as too soon to sell the T-shirts.
Catrandom
Hey, gimme one of them shirts! John You-Know-What’s puked his guts up here on the dashboard and I gotta…Holy Mama of Dontcha Wanna—it’s shaped just like Jesus! See how he’s rolling his eyes up & all??? It’s a MIRACLE!!!
::Two fully decked coach cruisers (big f’ing busses) pull up::
Hey guys… I left Uncle Beer’s house to get a few more ceegars and when I got back you and the beer truck were all gone. I caught a news report and knew that had to be you guys.
Well, I’ve got a few “connections,” and this guy “owed me one,” so these here are professional drivers who are taking anyone not in handcuffs the rest of the way to TJuanna.
You all DO have propper ID don’t you. Aw Heck… I’m sure the boarder crossing will be a piece of cake.
By the way… the bars are open… just grab a bus and hang on.
Hey officer, wait a second ,you can’t arrest me for THAT, this man is my husband. I have a liscence to do him anytime , anywhere I want to. Lion honey come here and tell them we are married ! LION ! Lion ? You coward, get off Spud’s bus and get me outta this. Stop laughing damn it !
Ayesha - Lioness
You sound reasonable. Must be time to up my medication.
Ringleaders Wally? not me… nope (discreetly passes the underwear onto Elelle. Cristi… lead the way!!!
“Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.”
Today On The Springer Winfree Show
Flaming Moose Dorks And The Nuns That Love Them.