Guy Stuff

Many years ago, a man went into a combination poolroom and bar. Near the tables he saw a sign reading, “BILLIARDS 5c.” He went to the bar, put a nickel on the bar, and said to the bartender, “I’ll have a glass of billiards.”
The bartender thought, Is this guy from outer space?? So he decided to teach the guy a lesson. He took a shot glass into the back room and peed in it. He brought it back out and put it on the counter, and put the guy’s nickel in the till, and said, “There’s your glass of billiards, Mister.”
The guy drank it.
Then he said, “If I wasn’t an old billiard drinker I’d swear that was pee!”


“If you drive an automobile, please drive carefully–because I walk in my sleep.”–Victor Borge

Des Moines? Wait, why am I seeing little islands that seem to have… whoa, look! hula dancers!

From the smoking crater in Iowa, crawls a solitary figure.

Smoking, shuddering it pulls itself free of the carnage.

Charred pink flesh oozes pus freely. Its skin is sallow, like melted wax. Its tail an afterthought.

“Fuck Unclebeer” it thinks as it again is run down by an ambulance.

“Yee haw,” screams SSLightning. “Fresh meat for the grill!”

::: deep inhalation from mask attached to tank of something in the back of ambulance:::

OOoooohhhhh! Look at all the pretty flashing lights…looka all the pretty splosions… make the siren go again Cristi! WHOOOO-WHOOOO! hahahahahahaha…Is that Satan drivin? I muss be in heaven…mmmmmm…

:::looks over the edge of his perch on the ambulance, seeing a figure attached to a tank of some sort:::

Hey…that looks like fun…

:::gasps…and while gasping, lets his lit cigar fall into the tank, igniting the contents:::

…damn…

Uh, I don’t mind driving, but would you please get your (&^*%^% foot off my hand, Seal? Think it’s easy working the brake with my left hand and swigging MD 20/20 with my right?
And about that yeti on the roof; I thought it WAS roadkill that just got tossed up there by the force of impact.
Hey! Maybe Great Chief Scott could lob a grenade or sumpthin’ up there! Looks bad, having the yeti up there. Sorta like a pest control truck with a big plastic roach.
Just thought I’d mention it.
Veb

In the millions of teeming crowds, watching this drama, one person seems to jump up. This man, a partially burnt excuse for a man, suddenly bursts out with “It was the AMBULANCE!!” “THE AMBULANCE!!!” “And it had a n airplane along with it…”
Many people carry him off into oblivion.

:::inhales from the mask:::

Don’t get rid of the yeti! He’s cute & furry & stuff!

Oh, he’s dead? Well then. I guess he’s dinner. Where’s Chef Troy?

I don’t know where the chef is, but I ain’t eating none of THAT sausage, I don’t know where it’s been ! Or maybe I do, he had just broken out err gotten out of prison.

I’ll just have a slab of thigh, thanks.
Now for a glass of Rumple Mintz, with a splash of red wine for color. The red gives it a festive look with the glod flecks in the schnapps.

Red wine does go with long pig, doesn’t it ?


Ayesha - Lioness


There are two solutions to every problem : the wrong one, and mine
(Thomas A. Edison)

I don’t know where the chef is, but I ain’t eating none of THAT sausage, I don’t know where it’s been !

I’ll just have a thigh steak, thanks.
Now for a glass of Rumple Mintz, with a splash of red wine for color. The red gives it a festive look with the gold flecks in the schnapps.

Red wine does go with long pig, doesn’t it ?


Ayesha - Lioness


There are two solutions to every problem : the wrong one, and mine
(Thomas A. Edison)

That was a close un, y’all! Thank God I still had the trusty moose schlong to beat out the flames from that ceegar. Threw it up on the roof…Uhhh, that yeti ain’t dead yet. Just smolderin’… and howlin’. Kind of a nice counterpoint to the siren.

:::looks at the moose thrust before him:::

Now, this is an in-flight meal…

:::beats the moose to death with the butt of his shotgun and skins it, making a moose skin trenchcoat for himself, which he puts on immediately:::

Onward, my children…onward to destiny!

:::looks forward into the sun:::


People are stupid. That’s all that ever needs to be said.

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to be in the presence of a recently beaten and/or burned primate… could be a little smelly… well, it couldn’t be more smelly than a bobcat with a barb under its tail let loose on an automatic fart machine company…

Solient sausage is full of yeti!

It’s YETI!


You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

Umm… is that free range YETI?

-So you’re SURE that this Abrahms can take out an ambulance.

Salesman- Yes, that is unless it was once owned by nuns. Power a’ God thing you know

-Dammit! Do you have anything more powerful than God?

Salesman- well we DO have the bloated corpse of Gene Roddenberry.

-Ok. Slap an engine in it and make it a stick. I need speed.

Salesman- Can do.

-Fine and for goodness sake, put a bigger gun on him!

Salesman-That’s noy a gun.

-Eeew.


Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words’ll make me sit in a darkened corner and cry for hours.
Kyoko Baby,
Shane

The scene:

An ambulance crowded with drunken revelers in a manner that defies all logic is speeding down an open highway, leaving carnage and devastation in its wake, when, unnoticed, a small, red, beat up station wagon which is inexplicably travelling at speeds well over 140 mph pulls up alongside. The driver gestures for the ambulance to pull over. This the ambulance driver(s) ignore. The driver of the station wagon whips out a large gun and proceeds to blow several holes in the side of the ambulance. Having gained their attention, the driver again signals for the ambulance to pull over. This time, after much swerving, they comply. As soon as the ambulance comes to a halt, several individuals jump out, run into the woods, and relieve themselves. The driver(s) roll down the window.

Out of the station wagon steps a very tall woman wearing a tight leather outfit that is apparently supposed to be sexy, but looks absolutely ridiculous on her. However, due to the gun, nobody is laughing. She points the gun menacingly at the nearest of the various ambulance drivers.

“Anyone care to explain this?”

From behind her back, she produces a cardboard box. Opening it, she reveals a bald, scorched, bruised cat with a tire track across its belly. It mews weakly.

“I’d like you all to meet Ginger. She had the dubious distinction of attending your little party. And now look. She’s on her last life. What kind of monsters are you?”

Says one of the drivers: “The wombat! Sure, I- Ow!”

The driver who elbowed the first one interjects “No. N’idea. I wash just drivin’ along, see…”

A third one adds: “Buuuurrp!”

Suddenly, the back of the ambulance opens, and a rather bedraggled-looking woman steps out. “I can explain everything. If you’ll just look back here…”

The leather-clad woman follows her to the back of the van. Just as she rounds the corner, she hears “…ready…set…”, a flatulent noise, a match being lit, and a loud FWOOOOOOOM! The driver(s) of the ambulance floor it, leaving a streak of rubber on the shoulder, and showering their tormentor with gravel. And their tormentor? She stands alone, smoldering, cradling an even more scorched cat. Raising her gun heavenward, she shouts after the ambulance, receding in the distance “I won’t forget this! I’ll track you down! I’ll come down upon you like the wrath of GOD! I’ll SUE!!! Hell hath no fury like a woman whose pussy has been shaved, set on fire, and run over, you better believe it!”

Then, turning to the cat, she mutters “…mind if I smoke?” The cat, in no condition to endure a pun of that magnitude, dies.


“That’s entertainment!” —Vlad the Impaler

Why in the Hell, would any guys leave behind a sexy woman in a tight leather outfit.

Hey, whoever you are you can ride with me. I do not care if you pussy is shaved and burned. Looking like that you can come with me anytime.

I will start my own road trip with you baby.

Viper

beeeeeelch

Hey, it looks like Viper bailed, guys !

scratches balls

Ah well. More beer for us eh !!
Hey wait a minute… snifs… Is that left-over Moose Steak I smell ??

Coldfire


“You know how complex women are”

  • Neil Peart, Rush (1993)

'Chuck, this is Pete. I’m landing the ‘copter because I can do better than following the ambulance.’

‘Pete, what the h*ll are you thinking?!’

‘Trust me, Chuck, this is going to be great. Just tell Doug to interrupt the police report and go live to me.’

(mumbling of dissent from studio)

Camera pans to Pete standing alongside a stunning leather-clad woman. She is handing a bundle to a paramedic, but at Pete’s direction the camera smoothly cuts that out of shot.

Pete (tenderly) ‘Now, can you tell us your name?’

Woman (upset) ‘Neuro’.

Pete (voice beginning to tremble as Pulitzer Prize fever kicks in) ‘How did you come to be caught up in this terrible series of events?’

Alas, as the woman begins to speak in a husky voice, captivating the audience, a leering figure appears behind her, ruining the mystique…


In the bathtub of history, the truth is harder to hold than the soap… (Pratchett)