Not the bikers that I’ve known. Even if they could tolerate that much insensitivity towards a perfectly respectable lady and possibly someone’s mom (chivalry being a funny thing as practiced by some), they might bust the guy’s chops for his not being able to shut up when the situation calls for it.
That said (and back to the realities of today), this is already an awkward situation, but could higher management be told about the incident so that these people (or others of their ilk) could be ejected from the museum if something like this ever happens again?
My dad was born with a nub of a right arm. It tapers from his shoulder to a point just above where his elbow would be. He has a small, deformed “hand” complete with fingernails near the end of the nub. He has never minded questions from people about his “disability”. He handles them, especially children, with grace and humor. His two favorite answers to kids are: “That’s just the way God made me”, or if he’s in a mischevious mood “What?!? It was there a minute ago! Will you help me find it?”. He knows he looks different than most folks and he’s OK with that.
His upbringing surely had a lot to to with his attitude. He was born to a farming family in rural Georgia. The chores had to be done, no excuses. His dad allowed him no quarter in carrying his weight. He did the same work as his “able bodied” brother. In high school he lettered in football and track (linebacker and pole vaulting, respectively). He made his living as an automobile and big truck mechanic.
The point of the background story, other than just to brag, is that he has had a lifetime to come to grips with his missing arm. His attitude was developed from birth to be one of “I’m different, but far from disabled. If you can’t get past my physical difference then it’s your loss”. I’m certainly glad my mom saw past his physical form.
Many people have had a physical difference thrust on them later in life. Some did not have the same upbringing as my father - perhaps their parents sheltered them more. Some never reach a level of comfort that would allow them to freely answer questions from strangers. Some come off the operating table ready and eager to talk about it. In a nutshell, there is no correct answer to your question. As a rule of thumb for adults, I would suggest that any physical differences be left out of conversation until A) you know the person well enough that you’re willing to openly discuss your own shortcomings, or B) until that person brings it up.
:rolleyes: It wasn’t a “simple question/comment” about the missing finger that got her so upset. The jerk made a loud, asinine joke about it and then responded to her straightforward, truthful description of what happened by bursting into laughter along with his friend who was also laughing and pointing. Hell yes, laughing and pointing about somebody’s disability is something to get worked up about.
My father was a WWII veteran, but his experience didn’t somehow disable him from understanding that it is not polite to make fun of strangers’ physical handicaps. In any case, any war that these guys hypothetically might have been in has been over for several decades now, so they’ve had ample time to readjust to the basic rules of civilian society, including the one about how you don’t laugh and point at people because they’re missing fingers.
Sneering at someone for being too “soft and sensitive” because she got upset about receiving loud, rude public jokes and ridicule from perfect strangers about her amputation necessitated by her progressive disease is an absolutely disgusting thing to do.
Are you saying that your wife’s unfortunate relative goes up to perfect strangers who happen to have some visible disability, and makes stupid jokes about their disability and laughs and points at them? No? I didn’t think so.
Your remark about “sob stories” is totally irrelevant. The OP’s employer whom you mocked as being “soft and sensitive” (and by the way, I wonder how well you’d handle the strain of dealing for months with a progressive disease one of whose side effects is digit amputation) was not going around complaining about her lost finger to anybody. She was minding her own goddamn business and doing her goddamn job when a complete asshole decided to show off his “sense of humor” about her disability in front of several total strangers.
And you think that the problem is not with the asshole but with the person he was making fun of because she was “soft and sensitive” enough to get upset about it? That’s about the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Cutting an old guy some slack for wearing dorky-looking clothes is one thing. (Personally, I’m not bothered by elderly people in unfashionable outfits and can manage not to look down on them even if I don’t know that they used to be tough SOB fighter pilots, but I guess I’m just not as “soft and sensitive” and easily offended by dorky clothes as you are.) Cutting an old guy (who’s still got his faculties and knows what he’s doing) some slack for loudly making fun of an amputee is totally beyond the pale.
I don’t care how much combat or torture the guy went through or how many of his own body parts he’s lost. That’s something that’s just inexcusable, in a veteran, refugee, or anybody else. And I’m sure most veterans and refugees would in fact be outraged at your suggestion that they’re more likely to be so inexcusably, gratuitously rude to a stranger, as though the scars of their experience would somehow have made them forget what decent manners are.
We have that power. She could have demanded that the two fellows leave the premisis immediately. As we’ve been told, we can eject anyone who makes us “uncomfortable”-- a power which we have, but have very rarely exercised.
I think that she just didn’t want to make more of a scene than had already been made by the jerks, and risk ruining the tour for the rest of the group. I admire her for that, and I honestly can’t say that I think I would have been that strong or dignified. I probably would have given them a well-deserved, but probably crudely phrased, lecture on their cruel, deplorable behavior, and afterward demanded that they leave. (I got some enjoyment imagining going “Buffy” on them, giving them both chin kicks and knocking their empty heads together.)
Usually, they wouldn’t have even noticed her finger. We wear white cotton gloves during tours so we can pick up objects to show to visitors, and when she’s wearing them, you wouldn’t necessarily notice the missing finger because the cloth sort of stands out on its own. Usually, I would have did the cashiering duty for the whole group at once, but that day we had another group there, throwing us off of our usual procedure. Thus, she had her gloves off while she was using the register.
I’m sure that given time, it will be easier for her, but in her case, the wounds are litterally still fresh. (We all tried to get her to take some more time off, but her concern was that her co-workers would get too overloaded with work if she didn’t come in as soon as possible.) However, I can’t imagine anyone ever really getting used to overt and pointed cruelty.
Jeez, and most of the time age brings maturity. It shocks me that people could be so brazen as to make remarks that are so blatantly hurtful. I’m truly sorry this happened.
It may be OK once you have met the person, depending on the social circumstances (and assuming you change the subject immediately if the person in question doesn’t appear to have an interest in talking about it). If the person is a stranger, it falls into the category of “mind your own business”.
Since another respondent wondered if attitudes were different in Canada, I’m also Canadian (and grew up in Ottawa, so the fact that I am currently an Albertan doesn’t enter into it either ). I’m more willing than I used to be to explain the circumstances of me being in a wheelchair, but I still don’t appreciate nosy strangers.
I’ve been a nosy stranger. I’m sorry if other people think it rude, but if I see something new or striking, like somebody’s eye completely clouded over at a young age, or someone without arms, I get tired after a while of just wondering about it & ask. Like the kid with the bad eye who was with his mom right behind me as I was going to renew my car’s license. After a while I just asked. I don’t think it’s equivalent to pointing & making fun. :dubious:
fg: * I’m sorry if other people think it rude, but if I see something new or striking, like somebody’s eye completely clouded over at a young age, or someone without arms, I get tired after a while of just wondering about it & ask.*
Well, you’re right that it’s a lot less rude than laughing and pointing, and I’m sure there are many patient and understanding people who don’t mind getting a polite question about such things from strangers. Just be warned, though, that while it falls short of Incredibly Asinine, it is still ranked as Definitely Rude by the manners mavens. It’s technically rude to ask any personal question of a stranger, and asking them about handicaps or illnesses is Right Out.
I’m not accusing you of being nosy or uncaring, but you should be prepared for the fact that while many people might not mind your questions, there will be some who will freeze you out like an icicle, because what you’re doing is in fact rude according to general standards of behavior.
(If you really can’t stand the tension of wondering about strangers’ physical disabilities without getting to find out what caused them, you might try not wondering about them and instead minding your own business. Just a suggestion.)
Hey, I have a naturally inquisitive mind, & poor impulse control! Also, I was raised by wolves! It’s incredibly rude to disparage me for my mental quirks & deficiencies!
No, seriously, I would get annoyed by people asking questions about some physical condition all the time. The stuff I used to get about my hair! But I’d almost rather everybody ask, then wonder what they’re saying when I’m not around. And I simply don’t believe that most people will, or can, just tune something out & not think about it. It’s a vital part of human nature to notice things & think about them.
It’s quite sickening they laughed after they were told it was because of a disease. My Grandad lost his little finger at Dunkirk and jokes about the stuff he can’t do (“I wanted to play piano but had to settle for the Tuba”, he’d joke) but even he wouldn’t go up to a stranger and say “Snap” or anything like that.
). I’m more willing than I used to be to explain the circumstances of me being in a wheelchair, but I still don’t appreciate nosy strangers.