Um, the vast majority of the time a decision to form a committed relationships is not held privately and discreetly. Hence such social norms as calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend, “going steady”, exchanging rings (class or wedding), marriage (religious, secular or common law) and any number of other ways we let society at large know we are in a relationship.
Look, you and the other(s) in the relationship have every right to define boundries, from the strictest monogamy to no rules at all. After that point, no one in the relationship has the right to breach those boundries without informing the other(s). If you can’t agree to that, then we have no common ground on which to continue.
Given my own history, I have been following this thread closely.
Like a lot of conversations about affairs, it has quickly moved from the specific people at hand, to a lot of armchair sociology and name calling. It’s hard for people who have made decisions that society deems “bad” to have an open and honest conversation about them. The focus so quickly moves from what happened and why and how you feel about your circumstances… to something else, about what’s natural or acceptable or right. Those conversations are interesting, sure, but they don’t help someone dealing with their own feelings about what they or their partner have done.
Motivated - I think you handled the situation great. Congrats on dealing with a difficult, confusing situation with as much grace as you could.
I get where you’re coming from. Here’s the thing though - an affair or even a single night of indiscretion is not something that just happens, like smashing your funny bone. Without a doubt the people involved in these situations see this coming well in advance and make a conscious decision to follow through with it - consequences be damned. Maybe later, they begin to develop a conscience and (in some cases) feel a sense of guilt about it. That’s well and good, and perhaps that means they are less likely to cheat again in the future. But to argue that they are deserving of sympathy and understanding so that they can have their feelings validated for having done something they admit was wrong, well, that’s simply not a reasonable expectation. Whatever guilt, whatever remorse, whatever self loathing you might experience is the price you pay for making bad decisions, long after the indiscretion. Hope it was worth it.
Yes, I can say the person I had an affair with saw it coming. I was pretty depressed, and in a pretty unhappy marriage. A friend decided I was easy pickings (He quite literally told another friend later, “She’s so fucked up… she’s so easy to manipulate. And he ignores her so solidly he won’t notice anything for months.”) This is the same friend who talked me out of going on anti-depressants because he was worried I would change… he left out that it was into being someone he couldn’t emotionally bully anymore. Should I have seen it coming? Yes. I was sober, the relationship built from flirtation to sex over the course of months, and I knew what was happening. But, in a lot of ways, it felt like a speeding train that I couldn’t stop. Could I have? Probably, but in the moment it didn’t feel that way. And for a lot of people, it starts as a one-time indiscretion and then… well, you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about it, because as soon as you do, you get told that you’re not worthy of love (what happened when I talked to my best friend), or that you can’t change (same friend). You can’t talk to your spouse, because you don’t’ want them to be angry, so the only person you can talk to is your new partner, and that just leads to you ending up back in bed.
I share all this not because my story is special, but because it isn’t. No one goes into a bad decision saying, “Well, I know this is a bad decision, but consequences be damned,” and thinking and feeling that way about bad decisions (ANY bad decisions) doesn’t help people make fewer bad decisions. It just makes them stay quiet and end up making more, because they can’t go to a support network that will help them. People who make bad decisions that they later regret - whether it’s sex, drugs, or rock and roll - absolutely need empathy, sympathy, and care and support to change. They don’t need punished for those choices.
Sehmket, your situation is completely different from what Slackerinc is seeking-validation to cheat/for cheating on his poor wife (and family). A number of us are responding to what he’s said, not the OP. Or you (in my case).
On reflection, I was needlessly harsh in responding to your post. Please accept my apology.
People do make mistakes and they do need their friends and family around them for support and guidance. My gripe is only with those who insist on rubber stamping their mis-deeds with the “human nature” excuse; which is bullocks.
Then I disagree with both of you, and I’m actually not sure which is more grating, the preaching from the self-righteous or the self-abasement from the “fallen”.