Discuss with who? My mother has around 30 first cousins on her father’s side alone, and in excess of 60 first cousins once removed, very few of whom we actually know well - and then there’s all the children of the five aunts and uncles on her mum’s side too. I’m currently waiting on tests to arrive for my parents so that I can use their results to “phase” my matches into maternal and paternal, which will assist in identifying connections to documented trees.
I’m not going to sit down and scribble off notes to people I’ve never even met to ask them if they’d want me to act as a doorkeeper if my mum’s DNA results turned up a lost relative who wants to get in touch. I am not in charge of perpetuating ancient deceptions. I am prepared to act with tact and discretion if the situation arises, but I’m not pre-empting it.
There is no one answer to the OP’s question. Everyone is different. But it’s wrong to assume that there will always be drama.
I have a gazillion half-brothers and sisters I didn’t start knowing about (though I had a vague sense they were out there somewhere) until my 30s. That’s because I was adopted, but my bio-parents both had lots of other children by other people. On one side, they found me and on the other side I found them.
It’s never involved drama and it is kind of nice, as an adoptee who grew up without any genetic link to anyone. I am good friends with one half sister and occasionally exchange emails with some of the others; and there are a few I’m not in touch with at the moment just because we never really got a relationship started other than to write to each other to say “we’re related! Cool.”
There is one thing I wonder about: my bio-father was obviously quite sexually promiscuous, and in the 1970’s he lived in Indonesia for a while, of all places (where I have lived for many years as an American expat). He was a draftsman, and apparently in the old days it was possible to indulge itchy feet and move all over the world for short periods of time if you had those skills.
Given the poverty of the time (I’m sure there were women willing to sleep with him either as prostitutes or in hopes he would marry them and take care of them and their families), lack of decent birth control, and his promiscuity, I am pretty sure I must have a few Indonesian relatives by now. It would be impossible to trace - any out-of-wedlock child sired by my bio-father in the 1970s would have most likely been raised in an orphanage with no record of who the father was. But damn, I’d love to know! Though if presented with the opportunity, I would proceed with enormous caution.
It would be so extremely out of character for either of my parents to have a secret child that I actually would be curious. But more than likely I have a few secret cousins, some of these are known. At least two of my aunts had children out of wedlock in the early 1960s, to find out there were more would be interesting, and if any of them want to make contact, cool.
What would be more interesting is if I was to discover my dad had a half sibling unknown to him. His father died when he was only 5 weeks old, his father’s plane crashed in WWII. I have sometimes wondered if maybe my Grandfather had another child in Britain. It might mess up my dad, or it might give him a sense of belonging that he never had.
My suggestion was directed at the OP, who asked us for advice. If you don’t want to follow the suggestion I offered to someone else then by all means feel free to ignore it. I don’t care what you do regarding your own family business, and I would in fact appreciate it if you’d leave me out of it.
Your suggestion was completely unworkable for many, grounded in an absolute lack of understanding of how genealogical DNA testing works and is utterly useless to the OP unless they have access to time travel. What’s more, it treats genealogists as though they have done the wrong thing if their research leads to discoveries of facts that other people have tried to keep hidden. Notifying all known blood relatives that you plan to DNA test and asking how you should treat secret love children of their parents if you find them is ludicrous, places unnecessary barriers in a field that’s already difficult to navigate and makes the genealogist responsible for the sins of others. I get that you didn’t comprehend that when you made the suggestion; the fact that you’re doubling down now as though it was still a useful suggestion even though it didn’t apply to me is willfully ignorant: it’s of no use to most people but most especially to the OP who has already tested and ended up in this situation.
I acknowledged in my original post that the testing had already been done and suggested what I thought the OP should do now. You are certainly free to disagree with my advice, which is worth no more than the advice of any other anonymous stranger on the Internet, but please stop misrepresenting what I said.
I may well have half siblings out there. My father was a sperm donor. When i first learned, it kind of freaked me out. What if i had dated a half brother? But my husband is the spitting image of his mother’s husband. Like, i once saw an old photo of him and briefly thought it was my husband.
Anyhow, I’d be curious, but don’t need to know.
Of course, “one of your father’s sperm donations was used” is less shocking than “your father cheated on your mother.” So perhaps my reaction isn’t relevant.
Yes, I would like to know, although I think it is unlikely. I already have two half-siblings, from dad’s first marriage (and yes, we grew up close). Again, I find it extremely unlikely, but I would like to know.
I know my cousins have a half-sibling they don’t acknowlege. I wonder sometimes if he knows he has three older siblings, and if he would ever be interested. In their case, their father had a “it’s complicated” relationship at the time of his conception, and a few years later they were divorcing (and right then uncle died, making auntie a widow). My cousins know the sibling exists (must be around late 20s, early 30s by now), they just never talk about it. And sadly, I’m not close enough to them to ask, and the other person who would be open to that discussion (auntie) has died as well. It is possible, though, if the other woman kept touch with uncle’s family, that some of my cousin’s paternal family do know and interact with the sibling.
True. However, if you know that you or one of the players you know have a tendency towards drama, there is likely to be drama. And situations are different.
Adoption is different than “your parents were happily married for years, you have a half sibling two years younger than you, do you want to know?”
I didn’t know my husbands relations (or my husband) when his sister stepped into their lives - but knowing the players now - there was going to be drama. My mother in law’s expectations for the relationship, the resentment of two young boys watching their world be torn apart with a divorce and a missing sister - that’s not a recipe from dramaless.
My son is adopted and if he wants to find his half (or who knows, full) siblings, he should feel free (he won’t, he isn’t that sort of kid - he has zero curiosity about it). He’s know he was adopted his whole life and has zero expectations. He’ll be low drama, so you have one end of low drama cemented.
I’ve read stories where women who have gotten pregnant thru sperm donors have gotten together, compared notes, and found out both had gotten pregnant thru the same donor! Hey, he was a good looking man they all liked! So yes their kids are half siblings.
Sure, I’d be curious to at least know, whether either of us cared to meet the other or not.
I have a family member who went thru a similar situation. He found out he had six half-siblings, four of whom he actually knew personally, and the other two he knew the families of the parents really well, although he didn’t get to meet the two half-siblings personally until shortly before he died.
Only *one of the half-siblings refused to ‘accept’ him as a sibling, and welcomed him as part of their extended family with open arms.
*The one in question felt embarrassed by the revelation and thought it made their mutual biological father ‘look bad.’
In a general sense, I wouldn’t want to know … but, if another relative knew this about me, then I would want to know, because that seems to raise the risk that the information could slip out in an unexpected or awkward scenario. So, I’d rather not know, but since another relative knows, I’d rather learn about it in a more planned, discreet manner.
That would be so far out of character for either of my parents to be unbelievable. I would immediately suspect a scam of some kind. It would not surprise me at all, however, to learn that my wife had heretofore unknown siblings.
It is possible, though, if the other woman kept touch with uncle’s family, that some of my cousin’s paternal family do know and interact with the sibling.