Halloween 2003: A Report

(Written Nov. 1, but not posted until now, due to the usual legal hassles and irritated parents, and suchlike)

Dawn, November first.

No kids made it past the perimeter again – third year in a row – but judging from the blast area, at least one made it a good fifteen feet into the minefield.

I think I’m gonna quit bothering with razorwire. The little buggers go through it like it’s not even there. They ALL seem to carry wirecutters these days, and that stuff is expensive, you know?

This was the first year I quit stringing claymores. The neighbor on my south side has been bitching about how they pockmark the siding on the back of his garage. Wonder how he feels about those steg harpoons? So far, I haven’t heard from him about that.

Some of the neighbors are still griping about the bouncing bettys, too, but fuck 'em. Some traditions are sacred. You don’t hear ME beefing about those damn small-calibre sentry guns rattling all night, do you? I mean, some people have NO class. When I was a kid, NOBODY used full-auto weaponry, much less unmanned! Well, except maybe for that crazy old WWII veteran guy, down at the end of the block, who always sandbagged his front porch and sat up all night with a damn .50 caliber out there.

And he just didn’t get it when we toilet-papered his house a week after Halloween, every year…

The thermograph registered some fun around the back yard – apparently, at least one of the little bastards was using light-intensifier goggles, this time – but they still don’t know WHAT the fuck to do about the motion detectors. Jeez, it has yet to occur to ANY of them just to toss a rock across the heath to check for beams, or simply waggle a hat on a stick in the hot zone until the automatic steglauncher runs out of flechettes. Don’t they teach these kids ANYTHING these days?

Maybe not. We learned the trick from old cowboys-and-indians movies, and you just don’t see a lot of those on TV any more.

Then again, they’re getting cleverer in other ways. Day before Halloween, they kept buzzing the house with an RC plane. I’d bet anything it was equipped with video… particularly since I didn’t do any obvious work in the back yard this year; the motion detector was already there, and the steglauncher was rigged to fire out the shed window. Silly little buggers prolly thought the razorwire was all there was between them and all the candy…

Judging from the blood spots and scattered candy corn and individually wrapped mini-choco-bars in the grass, we nailed at least two of them back there, this year. Drag marks indicate their buddies came back and got them; at least they’re still doing that. The wife and I have a bet going to see what year the first generation quits coming back in for their wounded.

Man. Can’t wait for Christmas…

CNN News Special Report
December 25, 2003

Police and medical personnel were called out in force last night, as a local resident sent a jolly man in a red suit to a local hospital.

Mr. Wang-Ka, of (address deleted), had apparently wired his house with electrocution devices to keep “those damned young whippersnappers” away from his Christmas decorations.

But the plan apparently backfired on him, as just after 1:00 AM, Mr. Ka heard a loud crack and a sizzling noise coming from his roof, right next to the chimney.

“There was this awful clatter on the roof,” said Ka. “I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter, and there was this old man hanging from the razor wire on the roof. His beard and clothes were smoking from the current, his mid-section was shaking like jelly, and I realized that my precautions were not in vain this year, as I had apparently caught a burglar who was intent on stealing the presents under my tree.”

The jolly old man, who was muttering halfway incomprehensible phrases, had apparently just visited a mysterious woman, known only as “Mary Krist.” Efforts to locate this accomplice to the crime have failed.

Mr. Ka has one benefit of the failed break in, though, his freezer is now loaded with freshly cooked venison.

Hmmph.

I’d be amazed if the old buzzard made it through the antiaircraft batteries.

You young folks and your newfangled “sensors” and your “automatic” this and “laser-guided” that… shameful!

Back in my day, we stood up on the front porch and took the trick-or-treaters on like MEN! Close-quarters! Fists! Knives! Crowbars! None of this sissified “sit on the couch and let the machines do the work” crap!

My Pa once smacked that creepy old Easter Bunny upside the head with a monkey wrench… hit him so hard, Mr. Bunny didn’t dare come back to our town for three years running!

(grumble grumble grumble)

I love kids too! Preferably deep-fried.

With Ranch Dressing.

sigh… your neighborhoods still have “Children”???
Now Those were the days…
out here in Silicon Valley, all we see is those little cyborg mini-people, the geeks and nerds all being much too busy to actually participate in child-producing activities …

Ah.

Such responses warm my heart.

It’s nice to know the holiday spirit ain’t COMPLETELY dead out there…

…and you don’t wanna know what we serve for Thanksgiving around here…

got that right…