Eve,
That picture is freaking hilarious. I laughed for a good minute over it.
But (and I really hate this but), it looks faked. You can see a slight discoloration of the grass along the outline of where his right front leg should be. Ripley’s Believe it or Not? I choose not. At least until I see Dominic run and catch a frisbee with my own two eyes.
Nick at Night presents:
The Six Million Dollar Dog
Open with stock footage of a Mercury mission crashing.
VO: Halvsie. A dog barely alive. We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better, stronger, faster …
Cut to scene of Halvsie falling over on his side and paddling in circles in slow motion while a “doo-doo-doo-do-dooo” sound effect plays.
Cut to Oscar and Rudy. Rudy turns to Oscar.
Rudy: I told you we should have installed the bionic paws before the bionic nose.
Oscar: How was I supposed to know we were going to have our funding cut halfway through?
Rudy: Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. Six million dollars for a bionic dog? Who’s going to buy that?
to Eve and Plnnr:
I believe you two may just be the funniest humans (or reasonable facsimile of) on the face of the earth.
“Raging Halvsie”
Directed by Martin Scorcese
Halvsie: “I’m a f*#$ing fighting dog, and I’m gonna f*#ing be the f^%ing World f%@&ing Champ. I’m also really f@&*ing jealous about my beautiful f@$!ing wife.”
Dominic: “I’m Halvsie’s f$*&ing brother. I f$@%ing spar with him and help him f&$^ing train for his f@%ing fights. We both only got 2 f%#&ing legs. What the f#%!”
A mob guy tells Halvsie to take a fall. In the ring, the fight starts, Halvsie paddles in circles like Curly for a 10-count.
Halvsie gets in a fight with his wife because she claimed to have been intimate with Dominic. He chases down his brother.
Halvsie: “My wife sniff your f$%^ing butt?”
Dominic: “What the f%^ are you f%#ing talking about?”
Halvsie and Dominic both fall the ground and paddle in circles like Curly for the next 15 minutes. The fight upsets Dominic so badly, he stops speaking to his brother.
Halvsie to fight Sugar Ray Rin-tin-tin. The first bell rings. Halvsie paddles in circles like Curly for a 10-count.
Halvsie: “Ya never knocked me down, Ray! Ya never knocked me down.”
Halvsie retires from fighting and gets fat and opens a bar. After getting caught serving alcohol to a couple underage bitches, Halvsie goes to the pound. In his cell, he gets angry and paddles on the floor like Curly for the next 37 minutes.
THE END
Channel 5
The Late Show
Planet of the Halvsies (1968): Taylor (Charlton Heston); Cornelius (Roddy McDowell); Dr. Zira (Kim Hunter)
Taylor (Heston)wakes from suspended animation to find himself on a planet ruled by two-legged dogs, who have supplanted both man and apes at the top of the evolutionary ladder. Talking apes (McDowell and Hunter) have hot monkey sex at every opportunity and are made to wear silly little jackets and hats and dance for pennies. Taylor attempts to escape across the Forbidden Zone, which is guarded by an invisible fence. Taylor’s last lines, as he realizes that he’s back on Earth: “Damn you! You cut off his legs! Damn you all to Hell!”
Gladiator
2000
Director: Ridley Scott
Maximus (Russell Crowe) is a Roman general who falls into disfavor with the new Emperor. He becomes a slave/gladiator. On his first foray into the arena, he is armed to the teeth to face Halvsie, the mighty two-legged dog. The contestants face one another from opposite ends of the arena. A hush falls over the crowd. Maximus hides his fear, strolling bravely towards Halvsie, who in his attempt to rush Maximus, falls over and ends up paddling like Curley for the next 2.5 hours.
(Couldn’t let you guys have all the fun. This is the funniest thread ever! )
“Roots”
TV mini-series
Episode 1: Kunta Halvsie is hunting when captured by slavers and taken to America.
Episode 2: Kunta Halvsie refuses to answer to his slave name “Rover” and is whipped by his evil owner. Kunta Halvsie tries to escape and the evil owner “hobbles” him by cutting off his two right legs.
Kunta Halvsie paddles frantically in circles like Curly for the next 9 episodes.
“Halvsie Come Home”
Animated Special
Charlie Brown’s dog, Halvsie, tries to run away, falls over, and spends the next 1/2 hour paddling around in a circle like Curley. He never makes it past the end of the yard.
“South Park”
Cartman: Hey Stan, your stupid dog only has two legs!
Stan: Shut up, fat-ass!
Cartman: Hey! I’m just big-boned! And at least I got all my legs, dickwad!
Kenny: Haoeh ksagtrns aoehb.
Stan: Gosh, I wish you had all four legs like the other dogs, Halvsie . . .
[cut to bad construction-paper Halvsie looking sad]
[Cut to “Big One-Legged Al’s Two-Legged Animal Sanctuary”]
Al wobbles happily over his sanctuary full of two-legged giraffes, panda bears, cats, dogs and elephants, all on the floor paddling frantically aeround in circles like Curly.
[Cut back to Stan’s front yard, where Halvsie has made it to the street in an effort to run away. Kenny pushes Halvsie out of the way just as a truck roars down the street, and is squished.
Stan: Oh my God—they killed Kenny! You bastards! But at least YOU’RE alright, Halvsie . . . Though I still wish you had four legs.
[cut to two-legged rats trying to eat Kenny, while they paddled around in tiny circles like Curly]
Does anyone else love knowing that Eve watches South Park?
“The Odyssey”
by Homer
Part IX.
After his 10 year sea journey, Odysseus finally reaches his home. He finds his kingdom in disarray and his hall filled with drunken suitors for his wife’s hand. Penelope and Telemachus do not recognize this forlorn and weary sailor who claims to be the long-lost king. Only Halvsie, his faithful two-legged dog, perks up at the sight of his master. Struggling bravely to his feet, barking with joy and recognition, he promptly falls on the ground and paddles like Curley for the next 20 stanzas.
“The Wizard of Halvsie” (1939)
Scene: Castle of Wicked Witch of the West.
[Witch has Dorothy and her little dog Halvsie captive. Evil Monkey Men guard door]
Witch: I’ll get you, my pretty—and your little dog, too!
[Halvsie leaps out of Dorothy’s arms]
Dorothy: Run, Halvsie, run! Go find the Scarecrow and the Tin Man and the Lion! They’ll save us!
[Halvsie falls over on his side and paddles frantically around in a circle like Curley till a Monkey Man dispatches him with a pike]
Dorothy: Uh, oh . . .
[Witch kills Dorothy]
THE END
Does your friend live in Ohio? There is a feed store in town that has a 3-legged cat named Tripod. She is the resident mouser. It doesn’t slow her down one bit.
Cool, huh?
Ladies and Gentleman I present to you…
Inky!
HAhahahahahahaha!
How did you DO that?! What a great screen saver that would be . . .
Oh . . . My . . . GAWD!!!
Inky, that’s great! I’m laughing my ass off!
Thank you!
'Cept know what? Technically he should be spinning in outward circles. D’oh! Didn’t occur to me till I tested the link. Oh well, from polygon to page this took about fourty minutes (pretty slow 'round the office today).
Ladies and Gentleman
King’s Halvsie Row
Opening scene-A hospital bed, black and white movie
Slow close up on Halvsie’s sweet face as he awakens, looks down in horror.
Halvsie: Where’s the rest of me? Oh God no!!!
Fade out as Halvsie spins round in his hospital bed like Curly for 30 minutes.
This entire thread has me laughing like a lunatic!!! And Inky, your masterpiece is WONDERFUL!!! Congrats to all for your efforts!
Updated Halvsie complete with motion blur. This is more of what I visualized Halvsie doing (and besides, now his tail wags).
Inky, you are, without a doubt, my hero. I can’t stop laughing at that. Genius!