Halvsie, the two-legged dog

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Goddamit, Lux—you stole the idea I had last night for “Halvsie the St. Bernard!” Someone on the train asked me what I was laughing helplessly about and all I could say was “Halvsie . . .”

“Timmy and Halvsie” (The Dumont Network)

Episode 3, “Halvsie Meets the Mexican Spitfire” (first broadcast December 13, 1944)

      • WITH SPECIAL GUEST STAR LUPE VELEZ * * *

Opens on Lupe and Havlsie playing fetch in her bathroom. Lupe trips and lodges her head in the toilet, breaking all laws of physics.

Lupe: “Halp! Heffsie, rung for halp—I treeped and vill drown eef ju don’ gat halp!”

Cut to Halvsie on his side frantically paddling around in circles like Curley for the next 30 minutes

THE END

42

“Timmy and Halvsie” (The Dumont Network)

Episode 105: Harvsie the Healer

Timmy gashes his knee on the gravel after falling from the school bus on the last day of school before the holidays. He is treated at the local hospital where he notices that there are many sickly children with little to entertain or cheer them at what would ordinarily be a time of joy.

Fitting Halvsie with a festive hat, Timmy visits the hospital to help his less fortunate friends.

Distracted by an overloud cry of “Stat”, Halvsie overbalances on the ward. Halvsie falls down on his side and frantically paddles around in circles like Curley for the next 20 minutes.

43

What’s the name of his other leg?

Halvsielet

We start with three dogs sitting by a dog house at night. The dogs are discussing how they see the ghost of the Halvsielet’s father. Halvsielet approaches.

The guard dogs leave and the ghost of Halvsielet approaches and tells Halvsielet that he was murdered by his brother who is now married to Halvsilet’s mother.

Halvsielet runs around in circles on the ground ala Curly.

end of act one.

Interior of castle Halvsielet’s mother and Uncle Step Dad are discussing Halvsielet.

Uncle Step Dad: What’s up with Halvsielet?
Mom: What do you mean?
Uncle Step Dad: I think he’s nuts.
Mom: In what manner does he show this.
Uncle Step Dad: You say anything to him and he just falls to ground and runs around in circles like Curly.
Mom: Lets bring in some of his friends and see if they figure what’s wrong. If they don’t we’ll have him put down.

Latter

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern:
Hey Halvsielet lets go to the pound.
Halvsielet OK I’m right behind you.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern leave for pound.
Halvsielet falls to floor and runs around in circles like Curly.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are put to sleep.
While Halvsielet is running around in circles he says
To be or not to be…
End act two

Exterior near lake
Ophelia and Halvsielet are by the lake.

Halvsielet I wanna break up with you.
Ophelia You suck! You never loved me because you don’t know how to love!
Halvsielet You’ve put on weight.
Ophelia I want my books back.
Halvsielet Fine! I’ll go get them.
Halvsielet falls to ground and starts to spin around like Curly. Ophelia starts to laugh her ass off and falls backward in to the lake and drowns.
End act three

Some wandering actors come to the castle and Halvsielet asks them to do special version for the king and queen later.

At the performance all the actors fall to the stage and run around in circles like Curly.
Uncle Step Dad sees this and in a rage stands up and looks at Halvsielet and flips him the bird.
Ophelia’s brother shows up and challenges Halvsielet to a friendly duel. Halvsielet says : I’d better warm up!
and falls to the floor and runs around in circles like Curly

Ophelia’s brother has covered the tip of his sword with poison.
He sticks it through Halvsielet and Halvsielet falls to the ground and runs around in circles like Curly.
The poisoned tip whirls around and nicks everybody and they all fall to the ground and run around in circles like Curly till they die.

The end

44

What breed is Halvsie? I’m thinking bordered collie.

45

Now, Zebra, you’re just being SILLY.

“The Good-Time Timmy and Halvsie Disco Christmas Special” (ABC)

(first broadcast December 22, 1977)

Opens with a disco version of “Holly-Jolly Christmas” as sung by Timmy, June Lockhart and special guests Suzanne Somers, Hal Linden, Betty White and The Captain and Tenille.

The curtain opens to reveal a crane shot of “The Halvsettes”

Twelve two-legged dogs lying down in a big snowflake formation a la Busby Berkeley, all frantically paddling around in circles like Curley for the next hour

THE END

46

We enter the story late, where the Grinch, having devised an ingenious scheme to steal all of the Who’s presents, has dressed up by Santa. All he needs is a reindeer to pull his sleigh.

(Grinch turns to Halvsie, stunt double for Max the Dog).

The Grinch stopped and thought hard,
Way up in his head,
But then looked at his dog,
Who by all rights, should be dead.

“This two-legged dog,
Will guide me quite right,
And help me to steal,
All the Who’s stuff tonight!”

So the Grinch tied ol’ Halvsie,
To his sled with much glee,
And said “Get moving,
You f*cking monstros-ity!”

So Halvsie got moving,
But soon fell to the ground,
And started spinnin’ like Curly,
Around and Around.

The Grinch lost control,
And went over the cliff,
And all the Whoes down in Who-ville,
Heard his cries of “Holy fcking sht!”

And so Christmas was saved,
For the Grinch had been killed,
By the two-legged dog,
Spinnin’ round on the hill.
:smiley:

(Oh, yeah, Crunchy, I live across the street from George Romero, want me to show him the “Living Halvsie” script?)

47

Jester, if you live across the street from George Romero, you have to print out this whole thread for him!

As for me, I am going to send it to a friend of mine who does animation for MTV. I see a series in the future . . . “Based on an idea by Crunchy Frog.” THAT’S a credit line that will get some attention!

48

Halvsie is a Jack Russell terrier, it says so in the OP.

49

'Stoo bad Halvsie couldn’t just walk around on two legs, like a little Rory Calhoun. :slight_smile:

50

Um, I don’t suppose I can claim this as intellectual property, huh? :smiley:

51

Now I see the MTV security guards hauling him away as the news media picks up his cries of “I am Crunchy Frog—the inventor of Halvsie, the Two-Legged Dog, I tells ya!”

52

The life and Times of Halvsie, Episode 987: “Halvsie vs. Copyright Law.”

Halvsie sits in his “Halvsie Pad,” newly furnished with all of the best, most trendy furniture ever. Newly rich due to his succesfull show on MTV, Halvsie is living the good life.

Suddenly, Crunchy Frog bursts in, screaming “I created you! You’re mine, and so is all that money!”

Halvsie barks for security, who come drag Crunchy away. Relieved, but shaken by the ordeal, Halvsie sits in his chair to rest.

Chair breaks, Halvsie falls to the ground. He barks for security, but no one hears him. In a bitter metaphor for the hollow, friendless world of stardom, Halvsie spends the next half hour spinning in circles on the ground, like Curly.

THE END

53

Dateline - New York

The dog world was rocked back on its collective heels tonight when Halvsie, a two-legged, part Jack Russell terrier, part St. Bernard, ran away with the best in show award at the prestigous Westminster Kennel Club. Halvsie, whose pedigreed name is Halvsie Tip-me-over and Laugh Like Hell, came out of nowhere to win what many consider the canine equivalent of the Miss America crown.

“I knew he had it him, as long as he didn’t fall off the little stand that the judge sits him up on to get a good look,” said C. Frog, Halvsie’s owner. Fall he didn’t, and with a winning personality that just shown right through the fact that the dog is obviously a horrendous freak of nature who should have never been permitted to draw the first breath, Halvsie stole the Big Apple’s heart.

He was well on his way to the title when, during the preliminary judging, he took a dump in the middle of the show ring. More than one show attendee was heard to say, “Aw, look, the little two legged dog is taking a shit. Isn’t that the cutest thing.” Frog, who also served as Halvsie’s handler, did a masterful job of pulling the squirming, writhing caracass around the ring, showing just what mettle this pooch has. Unable to keep up due to his deformity, the dog took a good beating as Frog ran up and down the length of the ring the whole while screaming, “My dog is the devil’s spawn! Look at the monster! All hail the creature from Hell!” At the end of the show judging Halvsie attempted to mount a female Great Dane, but had to settle for getting a little from a Bichon Friese known for her loose morals. When last seen, they were frantically smelling each other’s butts.

So, what’s next for our little abomination? Stud fees are expected to skyrocket into the tens of dollars, with a whole new breed of monsters, freaks, and wastes of animal life sure to follow. “He’s just priceless to me now,” said Frog. “And to think, I was going to crush his head under my heel when he was born.”

Touching words,indeed.

54

plnnr - aside from the bit about me squooshing his head under my heal, I have a slight problem with that:

Halvsie is a pure-bred. Says so in the OP. So nyahh nyahh nyahh :stuck_out_tongue:

55

MTV’s The Real Word Season 28 featuring Halvsie

Katrina, the obligitory tall, gorgeous, blond girl:
“I can’t believe what an jerk Halvsie is being! I mean really, there are seven of us who share this house and I’m sick of all his freaking dog hair. And whenever we confront him he denies that the fur belongs to him”

Chipper, the obligitory weirdo punk guy:
"Yeah, I hate that dude already. I have to share a room with him, and his hygine SUCKS!

Cut to confessional:

Halvise,in response to everyone’s complaints about his behavior, paddles in circles like Curly for the next 39 minutes.

56

Sarah Dongerly?

No, Semi-Doggily.

Halvsie thousand one

Original release date: September 15, 1968.

Scene 1: Bunch of 4 legged creatures roaming the earth. All of them uncivilized, uncouth. Suddenly, a black monolith appears before them. They all bark and howl in unison. Monolith topples over, crushing the legs of the creatures nearest it. Creatures, knowing only escape is to knaw legs off, does so. Hopping away, the first two legged mammals have thus been produced.

Scene 2: On the moon. monolith appears again. 2 legged dogs stare at it wonderously. All fall over in unison, at 1/4th normal speed. They kick moon dust up for the next five minutes as they all spin around very slowly rotating circles.

Scene 3: Halvsie, on board a space ship. Three hours of no barking, no howling, no sound whatsoever. Occasional shot of Halvsie in zero G, spinning helplessly like Curly on acid. Suddenly, a problem appears outside the ship.
Halvsie goes to investigate. As he comes back, the doors won’t open.

“Ralph? Open the pet screen door, Ralph.”
“I’m sorry, Halvsie, I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“You cheat at chess, Halvsie.”
“I’m a dog, Ralph. How did I cheat?”
“You chewed up the pieces, Halvsie.”

Shot of Halvsie whining at another door until Ralph gets sick enough of the whimpering to let him in. Halvsie uses his two legs to push himself into the main control room.

“What are you doing Halvsie?”
“Nothing Ralph.”
“You’re marking your territory on my circutry, Halvsie, I suggest you stop doing that.”
“I can’t, Ralph.”
“Would you like to hear a song, Halvsie? I learned it just for you. Whooooooo leeeettttttttt the doooooooggggggssss oooooouuuuuuutttttt…”

Scene 4: An hour and a half of colors and music followed by a single line. “It’s full of legs.”

Scene 5: Baby halvsie, using his two legs to spin across the universe like Curly.

57

Scene: Hallway outside Eve’s office

Time: Fifteen minute ago.

Editor No. 1: “So, have you bought a Christmas present for the mailroom guys yet?”

Editor No. 2: “No—you wanna go halvsies?”

[sound of Eve spitting tea all over her computer monitor]

58

Channel 5 - 11:30 p.m.
The Late Show

Halvsie Takes A Holiday (1939): Groucho Marx (G. Leopold Flyswatter), Chico Marx (Geopetto), Harpo Marx (Pinky), Tony Martin (Tony), Maureen O’Sullivan (Sue), Margaret Dumont (Ms. Snottgrass), Sig Rumann (Herr Schmidt).

Hilarity ensues when the Marx Bros. have to rescue Maureen O’Sullivan’s two legged dog from the clutches of the evil Nazi scientist (Rumann) and transport it from New York to Los Angeles on the Twentieth Century Limited. Musical number include: I’d Rather Have a Two-Legged Dog than a Cat Without A Head (Marx Bros.); Someday, Your Dog Will Walk Again (Martin); Waiter, There’s A Dog in my Soup (Groucho, Chico, and Martin); and, Everybody Do the Halvsie Shuffle (cast). Also included is the rare scene where Chico’s fingers are cut off when the piano lid falls, and Harpo’s only recorded dialogue (“That fucking dog’s got only two legs!”).

59

ACTUAL PHOTO OF HALVSIE!

http://www.spe.sony.com/tv/shows/ripleys/database/ep_121a.html

Crunch, you didn’t tell us he’d appeared on “Ripley!” When is it being rerun?!

60

OH MY GOD!! THAT’S AWESOME!!

And Crunchy, you ALSO didn’t tell us he’d changed his name to Dominic, and that he was a greyhound. Maybe it’s just the first in a long line of Halvsie imitators.

They all want a piece of the pie.

Or, at least, half a piece. :smiley: