I’m 39, my wife is 30. We’ve been living together for 10 years, married for 6.
We’d always assumed we’d have children eventually, but lately we’ve been thinking maybe we won’t.
Looking around at our friends and family, we perceive ourselves as members of a small and shrinking minority: a rather conservative middle-class heterosexual happily married couple, physically able (let’s assume) to have children, yet choosing not to.
We’re starting to feel a bit weird, and some family and friends are beginning to wonder aloud (not unkindly) what the holdup is. Well, the holdup is we don’t wanna, certainly not now and maybe not ever.
So, out of curiosity (and for moral support), we’d like to know if any Dopers are in one of the following two situations:
Like us: happily partnered, able to have children, but choosing not to. What has made you decide to stay childless? Do you think you may change your mind later?
Like us in 20 years: still happily partnered, no longer able to have children. Do you regret your choice to stay childless?
Please note: I’m not asking for a debate on the merits of having children. Children are wonderful creatures and we may have them someday.
…on preview, this post seems a bit heterosexist, which was not my intention. If you are happily same-sex-partnered and sufficiently vanilla please chime in.
I’m 46 and my husband is 50; we’ve been married for 18 years. I have known since I was 19 that I didn’t want children. My husband knew that when he married me. I just have never felt like I would be a good mom - and I never wanted kids so there was no reason to put it to the test. If I haven’t changed my mind by now, I don’t see it happening.
For your second question; well, I’m probably too old to have them now, but I don’t regret the choice. I have no idea what the future will hold.
This is us. We’ve been married thirteen years (ages 33 and 34). Don’t like kids enough to want to deal with them for more than a few days at a time. I don’t have the patience for people who are slow to learn, which would make me a very impatient mother. No, I’ll never change my mind, and I had the surgery to prove it.
For the sake of the children, don’t let yourselves be pressured into having them if it’s not what you want. It’s no one else’s business but yours whether you have kids. They aren’t the ones who have to raise them.
I probably don’t fit your definition of “sufficiently vanilla,” but I don’t get what that has to do with the subject matter anyway.
I’ve been in a same-sex relationship for nine years, which, as I’m sure you know, is not necessarily a bar to having children. Fortunately, we’re on the same page in that regard: hell no.
I hope this isn’t considered thread-shitting:
I’m hetero, happily married, and have three kids. I’m glad I have three kids. But I don’t understand why in the holy hell people cannot seem to grasp the idea of “what’s right for me, may not be right for everybody!”
I feel sorry for couples like the ones in the OP because everyone seems more than happy to badger them for “justifications” for remaining childless. You shouldn’t need a fucking (hah, no pun intended) “justification”. Just “We don’t want kids right now, thanks” should suffice, and people should, at that point, shut the hell up about it.
Like us: happily partnered, able to have children, but choosing not to. What has made you decide to stay childless? Do you think you may change your mind later?
The Mr. and I will be together for 9 years this month and we have been married for ~3.5 years. He is 31 and I will be 31 (tomorrow). I have never wanted kids, I just don’t have the patience that would be needed. The Mr. doesn’t care either way. He knew I didn’t want kids when we were dating and if it had been a big issue our relationship probably would have dissolved.
We have no intentions of it happening, but if I were to get “knocked up” at this point we would keep it and deal with it the best we could (for me a double martini or some Prozac). We are financially secure and have good jobs. Although the job I have I couldn’t do while pregnant (hazardous waste, mine remediation etc) I would probably have to quit my job.
But we have decided that if when we get older, pushing 40 or so and we did decide that we wanted to have a child we would adopt. Why make more kids when there are plenty of unwanted children about.
Like us in 20 years: still happily partnered, no longer able to have children. Do you regret your choice to stay childless?
There isn’t anything in my life that I have done that I regret, except maybe for not taking that typing class in high school. Same goes for the Mr. well except for that typing class.
I’ve been with my man for 6 years, I’m 31 and he’s 26. We have discussed raising kids and came to the conclusion that it is not the best option for us. Being gay, there is no chance of having them by accident and we don’t have to deal with outside people wondering what is ‘wrong’ with us that we don’t have any which made it easier.
We felt that the differences in our ideas of the best way to raise kids were too great. It would be very difficult to present a united front on issues and we don’t want to put a kid or kids through that. We also realized that we wouldn’t want to make the needed changes to our lifestyle to accommodate kids. Overall, we figure it’s better for us to not have kids.
This was me and the DH until 2003, when I had to have a hysterectomy. I never had any desire to be a mother, and DH had no strong feelings one way or the other. We’re still childfree, though no longer by choice, and life is good for us.
Nope, no regrets. Then again, we have 13 nieces and nephews, so we get plenty of child-interaction.
That’s us. Married almost 3 years and together (cohabiting) for 7.
I’ve mentioned many a time on the Boards I think about our decision to stay childless. I don’t foresee either of us changing our minds. We’re both high school dropouts getting a late start in college - I’m 26 and just finishing my junior year of undergrad. He’s 35 and just finished his second year out of a four year law program. I’m heading to law school myself (Fates allowing) so I won’t be done until I am 30, 31. We’re taking out a huge chunk of change to do this, and will have a shorter earning span compared to traditional students. Practicality of having kids when we don’t really want them: zip.
Sometimes we get taken to task about our chosen lifestyle, esp. by his cousin. He used to be in seminary until he decided he wanted to get married and all that. Almost every family gathering dissolves into an interrogation of the state of my uterus. No one else bothers us about it. Once in a while my MiL puts out hope that we’ll change our minds, but I don’t think it keeps her up nights. I’m really lucky in that regard. People used to bug me at work about it; I had to get snippy a few times.
I also have a few health problems that could cause conception to be difficult, but not impossible. That was also a factor, but I admit I use it mostly as an excuse to get nosy people off my back.
Frankly, what it all boils down to is we would rather spend our money paying down our (sizeable) student loans, saving for retirement, and doing the travel we’ve wanted to do so badly (still waiting on my honeymoon - I have a few Mason jars full of change that is pretty much the limit of my savings for it). I figure if I get the urge I’ll grab whichever of my 8 nephews or 3 nieces is most handy until I lose my patience. It never takes long, although I often enjoy activities with the nearest bunch and they seem to like me. I’m pretty happy in the role of Eccentric Aunt.
I’m 48 and my wife is some years younger, we’ve been married nine years. We aren’t having any kids, either. We talked about it before we married. I have no paternal instincts, she has no maternal instincts, and that suits us fine. She’s a piano teacher, and gets more than her fill of other peoples’ kids. We make enough money for two people to live on comfortably, but if one of us had to quit our job to stay home and parent, we’d go bankrupt in short order, even after having sold all our belongings for diapers and formula and moved to a hovel in the slums. It would only go downhill from there. So that idea is right out the window!
We haven’t had to deal with anyone’s opinions. It was very early in our marriage when my father-in-law asked us, “So when are you going to make us some grandbabies?” We explained to them that it would probably be never. They haven’t said another word about it, and it makes me appreciate them even more. They have a son who will more than likely make them some grandbabies in a few years after he gets married, so they won’t miss out on being grandparents. We don’t hang out with other couples with kids, so we don’t have to pass that scrutiny or feel intimidated by it.
We’ll still be together in 20 years, still without kids, and I’m sure it will have been fine. We’ll have no regrets then, as now.
My Thai wife and I are well into middle age, past her child-bearing years, but we’ve been together since our early 30s and married since our mid-30s (I’m only two years older than she), so we could have had children. But we never wanted to and do not regret the decision, nor have we ever regretted it. We’re just not into children. I may have found the only Thai woman in existence who does not like them. Well, that’s not exactly true, I have run into a couple of others, but they are rare indeed. This has been a major disappointment to many in her family and other Thais in general, as Thais go ape-crazy over “half-breeds” (as they are actually called here, luk khreung, and it’s not considered an offensive term). Thais think they are the most beautiful of kids. Many have insisted that any offspring of ours could support us in grand style in our twilight years from the proceeds of their modeling, acting or singing careers, as all the top stars here are “half-breeds.” But no one ever actually offered to raise the little beasts for us, and my wife was never hot on the idea of childbirth itself if they had, so no children.
We’ve been told that someday we’ll regret our choice, but we don’t yet, that’s for sure.
Jim and I are mostly 1), with a little 2) thrown in (I’m 40, and my fertility and ability to have a healthy baby are falling off the chart). We’ve been together for seven years, married for five - I think Jim was slightly more open to the idea of kids when we met, but I have never wanted children, and when I discussed this with him early on in the relationship, I think the idea of not having kids really clicked for him.
I think whatever it is that makes other people yearn to have children of their own is missing in me. I don’t like kids much, either. I think I’m liking them less as I get older, too - too noisy, too active, too sticky. My nieces and nephews are getting more interesting to me as they get older. Our families are mostly okay with it and not bugging us at all; the only ones who have bugged us so far are the older generation who probably have no concept of a childless-by-choice marriage. And casual acquaintances who seem to think that our reproductive choices are somehow their business.
I don’t think we’ll regret deciding not to have kids or change our minds; we’re active members of our local No Kidding chapter (a social group for childless-by-choice people), and children are just completely a non-issue in our lives (no pun intended ). The bottom line for us is that we like our lives just fine the way they are without kids, I guess. And don’t let people call you selfish for not wanting kids, either. Having kids is a totally selfish decision - people have kids because they want them (or lost the game of fertility roulette). There’s nothing high-minded or selfless about the decision to have kids.
You just never know what life may hold for you, that’s the thing.
While I had a child I surrendered to adoption as a teenager (technically I AM a mother, having given birth and all), it’s not information I would put out there for everyone to know. Nor was it the reason I never had another child. For all appearances I was childless by choice.
I have been in a committed relationship for over 20 yrs and have been on the receiving end of what you’re getting now. Damn nosy parkers! People can be so judgemental too, it’s terrible.
I am certain our friends saw us as immature, unable to commit, directionless, just into ourselves etc, etc. You know the attitude that some ‘happy’ parents project, I’m sure.
Thing is, stuff happens you can’t predict in life. Our last surviving parent had a stroke that left them bedridden and in need of a mountain of care - a mountain. Not the kind of care people with children at home could ever consider taking on, seriously. And it wasn’t a few months either, years and years.
Suddenly those people were forced to see us through new eyes. Apparently we weren’t just into ourselves, selfish, immature or unable to commit. Suddenly and most unexpectedly, we were a couple of saints. It is to laugh, as our real friends knew full well we were neither.
More than once during those gruelling years I reminded people that we would not have been able to choose as we did if we’d had a family at home.
Sometimes people don’t know shit, and that’s the truth.
I’m 42, my husband’s 43 and we’ve been married 11 years. I knew from teenaged years onward that I didn’t really want children, and my husband says he’s felt the same way most of his life. I’ve never heard anything from friends or family about it; I’m not the only one in my generation to be childless by choice.
Sometimes I get maternal twinges–little babies are cute. When they’re sleeping. But the reality of having children? No, thank you. It’s far too much work and sacrifice to properly parent, and I’m too selfish and short-tempered. I am not bringing a child into the world just on the chance that I’d fall in love with it and have those maternal urges flood over me and make it all worthwhile.
Sometimes I wonder about being old, then older, with no children or grandchildren to care about us, but that’s not enough reason to have them. I also fear I’d not be a good mother, and I’d end up harming a child, either losing my temper or hurting them with words.
Not cut out to be a parent. I enjoy other peoples’ children–in small doses.
My husband and I married young (23 and 25) and I definitely did not want kids, he was ambivalent but willing to accept my decision. We were childless for 16 marvelous years and I was always amazed that people would be so rude as to ever bring the matter up – for all they knew, we had had 5 miscarriages and were deeply grieving about it. Talk about a subject that is none of anyone else’s business!
I once had an employee who told me I couldn’t be a good (empathetic) boss because I was childless.
Anyway, for very, very private reasons, we decided to have a kid when I was 39 – no, it was not at all related to my biological clock ticking (I never had one of those), though I’m sure that’s what everyone thinks. It’s been fine – we adore our son, he is the joy of our lives, blah blah blah. But I still tell my childless friends – go ahead and stay childless if you feel like it! Yes, our son is wonderful and I don’t regret our decision for a moment, but there is more than one way to have a good life. Children are only one of many possible choices, and yes, they do proscribe your freedom a lot, so if that terrifies you, don’t listen to all those airheads who insist you’ll be so glowing with the joy of parenthood you won’t even notice. Yeah, you will.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences (and please keep 'em coming!).
This is my opinion exactly.
Until recently some of our friends/family (not all, surely) have seen us as quite the opposite: mature, committed, knowing what we want. Now that they consider something we don’t want and it’s something they didn’t expect, it’s throwing them off, it seems.
Thanks for this. I think it may be the fear of regret that’s got us all bunched up at the moment.
Luckily, my parents and my wife’s parents all have grandchildren already (with more on the way). This may be what takes the pressure off eventually.
Mid-30s, married nearly 10 years, together for about 17. Going back to my pre-teen years, I can’t think of a time that I actually wanted to be a mother, and my oldest friend remembers me telling her back in high school that I didn’t think I wanted children. People have told me all along that I’d change my mind, but I haven’t. My husband thought he wanted one child, but just asked me to keep an open mind to change, and I kept the promise. Over the years, my opinion has stayed the same, while he was the one who changed, and we’re both certain we don’t want children. We’re very happy together and don’t think we have the time, money, or inclination to mix it up raising a child. We’ve been a good aunt and uncle to our nephew and nieces, and my husband even helped raise one of them for a few years; these days we’re being “aunt and uncle” to our friends’ children.
I simply don’t feel any “maternal instinct” or wish to be a mother, and never have that I can recall. Everyone tells me “Oh, it’s different when it’s yours” - but what if it isn’t? There are obviously people out there who fail to be a decent parent, and I don’t want to fall into that category.
My husband’s parents were the worst about it but I think they’ve finally accepted that we’re not having kids. (Then again, every time I say that, they bring it up in another few months.)
'im indoors and I are definitely 1). We’ve been together for 8 years now and have known from the start that we didn’t want children. I’ve known from my early teens (if not before) that I had no maternal instincts and despite how my peers made me think I was some kind of freak for not going all gooey over babies, I know that remaining child-free was the right decision for me.
I have a lot of friends in the same situation, they don’t have kids and don’t envision a time when they will be parents. My best friend had a hysterectomy some years ago and doesn’t regret her childless state, although she is sad that her family name will die out when she passes away.
What does surprise me is the number of people who say that we are selfish because we haven’t had kids. I fail to understand how crippling ourselves financially, losing our social life, deserting our friends and generally giving up the life we enjoy is anyone’s business but ours, and how dare they suggest we’re being the selfish ones when our taxes are supporting the many and various benefit schemes in the UK based around parents and children.
I am the person in the office who gets to cover everyone else when they have to leave early or take days off because their precious little darling is unwell, or they have to attend his nativity play, or there’s a school inset day and they need to stay at home with the kids. I’m also the one who gets the least preference for holidays because everyone else has to fit in around school holidays…you can see where this is going, can’t you?
We have two cats. They’re largely independent, they just need us to open tins of food and empty litter trays. If we want to go away for a break, we can pay someone else to keep them in a pen and feed them for us, and if they accidentally fall pregnant, we can sell the kids. (Not that it’s likely with two neutered mogs!).
Very happily married for 18 months. We don’t want kids. Mainly they are just too expensive. Not just financially, but emotionally and physically. They demand much of your time and resources. We want to travel the world and spoil each other. Children don’t fall easily into our plans.
That’s not to say we will be completely without the joy of children, though. Between my two brothers, I have four neices and nephews, and two more on the way. They will always be a major part of my life. I get to see them, do things with them… take them places and spend money on them and care for them and help them through problems. When they’re older, I can be the uncle they call for advice when they dont want to talk to their dad about something personal, or whatever. But I dont have the responsibilities and demands of raising my own 24/7.
I dont hate kids. I just dont want them, and I dont think I can afford any. The responsible thing to do if you cannot afford children is to not have any.
please chime in.
). The bottom line for us is that we like our lives just fine the way they are without kids, I guess. And don’t let people call you selfish for not wanting kids, either. Having kids is a totally selfish decision - people have kids because they want them (or lost the game of fertility roulette). There’s nothing high-minded or selfless about the decision to have kids.