Ahh, well that explains it.
Have another funny story to share (and I’m sure I can think of more).
So for one reason or another my GF wakes up at 4am, then decides its time and wakes me up, after we finish we hear the neighbors above and next door all get up and use their restrooms. I felt kinda bad about that.
The key word to search on is “leg.” Lemme see if I can find it for you.
Leg as in the artificial leg that fell off from a top bunk?
Never had mine fall off, but that was a hilarious story.
Oh and Melody, the feather/fart story did have me literally laughing out loud!
Thank you
Oh, theres the jalapeño story.
So a bunch of us all got together and had a big bbq/party. We made chevre stuffed and wrapped in bacon Jalapeños.
I of course washed my hands many times until there wasnt any juice left in the nails etc…
So my GF and I go home and decide we are in the mood. We start with oral and as I am performing the act I realize my tongue and lips are starting to burn, and she is mentioning some discomfort as well. So we toughen up an finish, and then I realize (she touched rubbed her eye aftward and her eye started burning) she hadn’t washed her hands super well and had touched herself, so it spread everywhere. We have gotten many laughs out of that event.
I had finally ended a year long dry spell and had finally hooked up with a new gal. Had a nice night of sex together and I left my apartment the next morning to go to work.
As I’m driving I’m noticing my vision is blurred. WTF? Did I forget to put my contacts on this morning? No they’re definately on. Are they on the wrong eyes? Nope, I have the same presription for both eyes. I pull over to the side of the road. Nope, they’re definately on. And totally comfortable and centered.
So why the hell can’t I see? Then I start retracing my steps as to what I might have done to cause this. Wellllll, I did have sex last night. Was there some super rare medical thing that causes loss of vision after sex? Did I catch some ultra-rare disease from her overnight?
WHAT THE HELL DID THIS GIRL DO TO ME!
Turns out I had grabbed a pair of contact lenses that were in the vanity drawer that were an old expired prescription from a looong time ago.
Luckily I never confronted her with WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME but I did tell her about it a couple months later. I felt pretty silly.
Back in college, my then-gf and I were taking advantage of some rare privacy in her dorm room. When we were finished I noticed something was missing. The condom. After checking the bed and floor we realized it was inside her. This had never happened to either of us before, and she was a little concerned after a cursory finger probe came up empty. Being the quick thinker that I am, I told her to hang on while I reached into my backpack and pulled out my Leatherman tool and opened the pliers. I turned back around with a big grin on my face as I showed her my plan. Amused she was not.
It took a little deeper digging, but I eventually found and extracted it with just my fingers. No pregnancy or STDs ensued.
“By the way, I’m a squirter.” Something you could have mentioned ahead of time.
This reminds me of many years ago when I worked in a hospital ER. A young woman came in freaked out because her boyfriend’s condom had come off during sex and try as she might she couldn’t find the damn thing. She said “I even stuck my fingers down my throat to see if I could vomit it out, but it wouldn’t come out that way either!” Talk about anatomically confused… we all had a good laugh on her, though.
You should have offered her an anal probe just for the further laughs.
The laugh would have been on us if we’d found it that way.
The other night we were fooling around in the living room and I was going down on my SO when I stood up and grabbed his hand and started to pull him towards the bedroom. He looked at me and said, “Where are we going?” and I just looked at him and said, “Narnia…where the hell do you think we’re going?” He laughed and laughed for about 5 minutes and when he finally composed himself I grabbed his hand and started heading for the bedroom again, only to hear, “Wait, where are we going?” We both laughed so hard we sat down on the floor and laughed until we couldn’t breathe before picking up where we left off.
Well, okay, the story about how I had sex with a guy in my cockatiel room and as he was climaxing the cockatiels landed on him–never mind that they’re afraid of strangers–seems a bit lame by comparison.
Still, I wondered how the #$%%^ did they know what we were doing?
You’d think cockatiels would know about the birds and the bees. ba dum CHING
I used to live with my stepsister and her boyfriend (now husband) and their two black cats. They went out of town one weekend, so I left my bedroom door open when I started fooling around (by myself). I had my eyes closed for some time and opened them to see both cats perched on the tailboard of my bed, staring at me in wide-eyed horror. I still crack up thinking about it. I’ve never seen those cats so intensely focused on anything before or since.
Even without my morning coffee, this made me grin.
Back several years ago, this girl I was seeing at the time was a huge “Sex in the City” fan. For some reason or another I got roped into watching a DVD of the first season with her. There was one scene where they are discussing how to talk dirty in bed. The traditional / prissy one (Charlotte, I think her name is) starts mentioning how easy it is, and begins this mundane, going-through-the-motions recitation “Oh, fuck me, fuck me harder… fuck me with that big cock of yours… oh, fuck” (or something to that effect).
Well, the next day or so the gf and I are in coitus, and what comes out of her mouth? The exact same line Charlotte gave in that episode.
There were other reasons, but we broke up a few weeks later 
My bf and I hadn’t seen each other in a while, so when he opened my front door, we started kissing and stripping each other in the hallway. In a few moments, we end up on the hall floor, naked, and start going at it. After a minute, I can feel my back sticking to the cold tile floor, and I try to lift myself up slightly. This results in a farting noise which makes him snicker, but we keep going. As we move around, it keeps happening, and he can’t control his laughter any more. I tell him to stop laughing, but of course, I am too. We pause for a moment to collect ourselves, but it kept happening until we were finished. Good times.
I don’t know if this one will be funny to anyone except me, but whatever. This guy in my chem class and I have been eyeing each other and flirting all semester, and on one of the last days of class we have together, we decide to have sex. Both our parents are home, so the only place we can do this is in his car. We drive a few minutes until we find a movie theater, and figure it’s as good a place as any. We park in a fairly secluded spot, do our thing, and part ways. A few hours later, my brother asks me if I want to go see a movie. I say sure, and guess which theater we end up going to? It was weird because we had never gone there before, and the movie we saw was “2 Fast 2 Furious”, a movie about (what else?) cars.
And I didn’t even realize this was a zombie. Sorry!
I’ve a female friend, O, who occasionally gets herself into compromising positions.
She had an “electric buddy” and one Saturday afternoon decided to go to her happy place with it. She lay on the bed and pleasured herself for a few minutes before reaching orgasm… whereupon she received a round of applause. She lived on the top storey of a three-storey building and therefore hadn’t drawn the curtains. What she didn’t know was the house next to hers had a flat roof and the guys who lived there were having a barbecue that afternoon. She took a bow.
She was on all fours and her boyfriend was under her giving her some oral pleasure. She was loving what was going on, and came extremely hard - so intensely, in fact, that she dropped a turd onto his chest.