Better his chest than his face.
You’re doing it wrong! 
This one time I was in biology class and the professor told us that semen was composed of 80% sugar. “Then why does it taste so salty?” I asked, and then blushed and ran out of the room as everyone laughed.
ROTFLMAO! what is it about cats and sex? A former SO had a cat that liked to watch. We’d be otherwise engaged and then one or the other of us would open our eyes and there she was… watching. :eek: Not every time, but a lot of the time.
Early on in the relationship his German Shepherd puppy came in one night to investigate all the goings on. Wet nose + naked backside = SO suddenly squealing like a little girl. 
Yours truly screamed so loud one night during an orgasm I set off the house security alarm!! Shoulda seen the SO running around naked as a jaybird trying to remember where he left the phone (left behind in the living room) to call the sheriff’s department and tell them it was a false alarm before they showed up. 
Years ago, ordinary straight sex with me on top. I felt something cold touch my ankle but didn’t stop to think about. When something cold hit my knee and than my upper thigh I just assumed it was some escaped wetness - work to do. When her cat’s nose touched my balls I somehow jumped 3 feet straight up into the air.
I understand there’s a book about her …
Her mouth was gonna be busy for a while, so she gave me her gum to keep chewing it. When she was done, she laid on her back for missionary position. After a couple minutes I asked if she’d like her gum back. She said she would. So I told her to open her mouth and I’d drop it in there so I didn’t have to stop. Should’ve just kissed her and made the transfer directly instead of via air mail. The gum bounced off her teeth and landed directly in her hair. Long, beautiful hair, too. Well, it just got entrenched deeper, the more we messed with it. Having no scissors handy (we had met at a motel between our towns), I chewed the hair off just above the gum.
We still laugh about it to this day, though we’re only friends now.
Ours, too. I figure, when our two cats play, we often stop what we’re doing and watch them, because, well, it’s really entertaining to watch. They wrestle funny! One day I was semi-complaining about our little audience and it occurred to me: we’re just wrestling funny, to them. Nikki probably just things, “Oh, *look *- they’re playing. How cute!” when she snuggles onto the blanket to watch.
Damn looky-loo.
Me: Oh baby, you do that so good!
Girlfriend: (takes my dick out of her mouth) I do it so well.
I was giving my husband a nice Sunday morning bj (under the covers) when I feel my nose about to drip, so I start sniffing. After a few minutes of this, hubby says he can feel me sniffing, just get up and get a tissue already. So I throw back the covers, and can now see his crotch and thighs covered in blood. It turns out I was having a nosebleed the whole time, and neither of us felt it.
Another time, we were on the floor, him on top, when he just stops and turns his head to look behind him. I hear him say, “Did you do that?” to our parrot. She had gotten bored and thrown a piece of corn at his back.
It’s going to take me a while to get over Jim’s #2 story.
Chilly morning, but warm under the covers. He’s on top. He’s getting close, pulls out and rears back so he can come on my breasts.
Me: Oh, oh, ohshitohmygodOHMYGODTHAT’SCOLD!!
Apparently the distance through the cold air was sufficient to completely chill the stuff from body temp to straight-outta-the-fridge temp. Shut up, I live in a warm climate - it’s never happened before!
(I hope he came OK through the laughter.)
My best memory is having sex doggy style in the back of a Blazer outside a Christian bookstore. In broad daylight.
Delicious blasphemy.
You are most certainly going to hell.
So my bf decides it’s time for sex and spreads my legs apart only to be greated with pfffffft. Evidently, our previous toy time had made me a little gassy. We both chuckle and he pretends to fan the air before grabbing my legs and spreading them again.
pfffffft.
At this point I turn red, and giggle a little more, and then run to the bathroom to relieve whatever appears to ail me.
A few minutes later, and undeterred, he decides to try again.
pffffft.
Finally he just grins and says “what the hell” and we go at it anyway. Suddenly, as if in conspiratal union, we both emit PFFFFT! and are so shocked we stop mid-thrust and stare at each other before collapsing in a heap of laughter.
My ex-husband has only given one woman, one time (an old gf )cunnilingus in his whole life - and it was in the shower. Why is that? You may be asking. Well, I’ll tell ya why- because he "has a problem with the proximity of the vagina to the anus. Ha Ha, are you laughing? I wasn’t for 16 years. We are no longer together however…and I am slowly regaining a smile on my face.
When I was still living at home at my parents’ place my younger brother had his first girlfriend over for the night. Being older I was already entirely sexually active with my gf who regularly slept over, as he well knew.
The next morning he told this tale of woe about how she had finally decided at some late hour that she was going to let him have his way with her after all, but he had no condoms. He was too young to drive but he was a very good distance runner so he’d remembered there was a late night place about a mile away so he’d run off to buy the necessary. When he got there it was closed but he’d thought he knew of another place and he was already halfway there and so he ran to this next place but it was closed too, but then he remembered another place a bit further away and, well anyway he eventually came home having run about five miles, with no condoms and by then she had lost interest.
So he told me this tale and I said: “so you ran over five miles in the middle of the night on an unsuccessful mission to try to buy a condom?”
“Yes”.
“Did you think that maybe I would have had one that I would have happily given you, a bit closer than five miles, like about twenty feet from you, in my bedroom next door?”
“Damn. Fuck. Shit. Damn. I cannot believe I didn’t think of that. DAMMIT!”