This thread reminded me of unpleasant(yet still funny) encounters I or others I know have had with sexed-up animals.
Here’s my story: I had a friend in highschool whose family dog was an absoultely huge, and tremendously dumb, golden retriever. This dog’s head was the size of a horses’. I am not joking. He was very friendly, but his dim-wittedness led him to believe that us tiny humans would be just fine anytime he decided to gleefully run at full speed into us or jump up on our laps. But I digress.
Apparently this dog had one weird issue: the presence of used kleenex totally turned him on. Well, I was the unlucky fool who did not know this, because the one day I went to visit her, I had a tissue in my pocket that I had blown my nose on earlier. The dog greeted me happily as usual, then started sniffing my pants intensely. I was talking to my friend and just absentmindedly patted his head. My friend went off briefly to get us a drink.
Suddenly the dog stood up on his hind legs, wrapped his paws around my neck and started humping me like crazy. :eek: This damn dog towered at least a foot above me, and his 200+ lb weight started tipping me over. I managed to get out a strangled cry of “Help!” and my friend came to the rescue, shooed him away, and THEN explains to me, “Oh yeah, kleenex makes him horny”. You can bet I checked my pockets every time before I went there afterwards.
Mr AFG’s story: When Mr. AFG was a wee lad, his family had a dog named Pip. Pip was a great dog by all accounts, but he had a rather disturbing habit that whenever food was around, he would sit and stare at it, mesmerized, while he grew a huge boner in front of everybody. Apparently if someone was eating the food this excited him even more. :puking smiley: This became such a problem that he had to be shut away during family meals. As a way to torture his sister, Mr. AFG renamed hot dogs “Pip Cocks”, and to this day she still won’t eat them.
While living in Hawaii we had a solid black cat named Morgan Le Fey. Morgan (aka the slut) loved Mr. SCL. She adored Mr. SCL. Lo and behold, Morgan goes into heat and adds another entry on the list of reasons I thought she was part Siamese - she was LOUD! So one afternoon in our quarters, I am sitting in the dining room end of our downstairs, which was an undivided living/dining room. We had placed the couch in the middle of the room facing the entertainment center. Mr. SCL was standing in front of the couch with his hands on the back, when he looked down, started kind of gasping and turned bright red. (Since he is part Cherokee, it takes a lot to get him that color.) Morgan had leaped on the seat of the couch and “presented” to him - forequarters down, butt in air, tail over to the side - the whole “Give it to me now big boy” stance. Mr. SCL’s face was the funniest thing - he looked so horrified!
The only time that cat wanted anything to do with me was when she had her kittens (she got out after Mr. SCL declined to father her kittens). When she went into labor she followed me around until I sat down by the birthing box - then she got into the box and delivered 8 solid white kittens that started developing “points” in a few days.
Not a scary story, but a funny one! Several years ago, my mother and I were at the Oklahoma City Zoo, at the bear enclosure. Suddenly, Mr. Bear climbs on top of Mrs. Bear, and starts to go at it.
A young boy asked his dad, “Daddy, what is that bear doing?”
The entire crowd stops and waits for his answer: “She is giving him a piggy back ride.”
Cue thunderous applause from everyone: “Bravo! Good answer!”
When I was about 4, my mom took me to visit some friends of hers. They had this huge dog. He was real sweet, but bad about jumping on people. I was outside playing with him, and wearing a furry parka. My small stature and furriness may have confused him. He knocked me down and started humping my head from behind. Everytime I tried to get up, he’d pull me back down. I thought he was just playing until I saw that weird pink thing sticking out of him. Then I started crying and the owner pulled him off of me.
I have friends whose cats tried to mate with one of their furry Russian hats. No matter where they tried to hide it, the cats would get at it. They had to throw it out after a while, it was just too…ummm…used.
The cat who lived at our house before we did, developed a thing for the blue cushions on the living room couch. We don’t know why. They aren’t furry. They don’t look like animals. One night we were awoken by an ungodly, repetitive sound that we had never, ever heard before. I ventured into the living room, and there is Simon (who, incidentally, is fixed), on the sofa, with the front of the pillow in his teeth, bouncing up and down on the sofa, having full-on sex with the other end of this pillow, and moaning and wailing.
I threw the cushions out. I don’t quite feel the same about Simon as I used to, he sorta weirds me out now. He’s beautiful and soft and friendly, but I know he likes to screw the blue cushions. Ick.
I had a friend in middle school/high school who had the horniest dachshund around and dachshunds can be pretty damn horny. He had a thing for pillows. The problem with this is that when I stayed at her house we’d have to sleep on the living room floor in sleeping bags … with pillows. Yep, we were often rudely awakened by the dog humping the pillow we were sleeping on. It got so it was safer not to use a pillow.
A fellow vet tech once shared this story about a large very friendly golden retriever. The dog was also jumping up on her as friendly goldens tend to do, he was so strong she couldn’t push him off so she decided to turn away from him but she got tangled in the leash and went down on all fours facing away from the dog. Well, this got him excited so he just jumped on her from behind and started humping. She couldn’t get the dog off and she was calling for someone to help. About this time the vet walked in and just watched and laughed. Eventually he did help pull the dog off her. She’s lucky there wasn’t a camera around.
