Now that we’re all baring our souls with these sexual polls, I’ve come up with one of my own: What was the funniest sexual experience you’ve ever had? I’ve actually had 2:
I was a freshman in college and had just come out. In fact I had only been with one other guy, twice. I knew of this guy, “Steve,” who was ***exactly ***my type, and I knew that he, also, was gay.
Long story short, we wound up in his bed one afternoon. I was lying on my back, naked, and he started playing with my genitals. I was so immensely turned on (not to mention inexperienced) that I came immediately, and with such force that it hit the ceiling, and was dripping down on us.
After I left, Steve got up on a step ladder, and painted a bullseye on the ceiling, with my cum stain exactly in the center. He, of course, told everyone that the bullseye had been there first, and I had amazingly good aim.
For the rest of my college years, every once in a while, somebody would ask me, “hey, aren’t you the guy who hit Steve’s bullseye?”
I was shopping in Bloomingdale’s in NYC, and caught the eye of another shopper. He was wearing some kind of uniform which I didn’t recognize. He indicated that I should follow him, and I did.
I followed him out of the store, and into a Pepperidge Farm truck that was parked at the curb. We went into the back of the truck, and started to have sex. Before long, the whole truck was rocking. Suddenly the back doors flew open, baked goods went tumbling onto the street, and there we were, with our pants down. Several passers-by got a brief-but-memorable eye full, not to mention free baked goods.
My ex bf and I were in his bedroom going at it. I think I was on all fours and he was pulling my hair or something less than virginal. There was a ton of dirty tal (pretty vulgar).
Anywho, as we’re doing this, suddenly- BOOM. His roommate (who had his own bedroom) throws the door open and goes," STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!" Before the first “Stee-” came out, I was on the floor with blankets over my completely. Boyfriend, on the other hand, was standing their, naked as a jaybird.
Boyfriend: “Brett, dude, get out.”
Brett: “But STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE, we’re having a BBQ, man!”
Boyfriend: “: motioning to me : NOT THE TIME, Brett.”
Brett: " :honestly not getting it: But STEEEEEEVE, we need your help cooking for the BBQ. Come on. Come, STEEEEEEEEVE."
It went on like this for like, 5 minutes. Yeah, good times. I honest to God think the roomie didn’t get it (he was, at that time, a virgin).
What will the next subject be, on the next sexual thread?
I have a few and will share them as this thread builds up. Definitely was sick at the time, but funny to me now.
I met this girl in Hawaii, on the internet. She actually came to pick me up for a little one-night stand. We went to a hotel and it went something like this:
Her: “Make love to me.”
Me: Thinking (‘we just met’). “Okay, I will?!?!?”
Her: Turning around doggy style on the sink “Make love to me like I have never been made love to before”.
Me: Thinking (‘how fucking romantic’), starting to insert into her from behind.
Her: “No, make love to me in my ass.”
Me: Thinking ('what the fuck?, Let me make sure this condom is on good). “Okay, baby, whatever you want.” Go at it for a few minutes.
Her: “Is there shit coming out again?”
Me: “Again? What the fuck is wrong with you?” Pack up, leave.
Hee. I don’t have a story myself (although I’m probably just repressing) but my own “walking in” story is when I was…11-12? And visiting my aunt and her new girlfriend (now wife of 20 years). They had “retired” and I was up still watching TV. I saw something I wanted to tell my aunt about and, not thinking much, walked into the bedroom to find them…engaged. I excused myself and left.
The funny part is from what I heard later my aunt was completly devasted. And sure I’d be scarred for life. Whereas I (other than feeling bad about invading their privacy) was fine with it. People have sex, right?
Of course this is the same aunt who when I was eight wouldn’t tell me why she was was boycotting Anita Bryant’s orange juice. How naive did she think I was ?
Quiet Sunday afternoon, hubby and I are cuddling in bed when we hear bagpipes from the cemetary across the street. Not unusual, there’s at least one guy who goes there to practise, and it’s a large cemetary and once in a while someone deserving of bagpipes at their funeral gets buried there. Other than the music, we never hear anything about these funerals, so it wasn’t really a distraction.
So we keep going, and things are just getting interesting when we hear a very odd voice over a loud speaker, beginning a prayer. The voice goes on to talk about respected soldiers and their contributions, etc.
WTF?
My husband and I just look at each other and burst out laughing. It was just so out of place, so sudden, and at such an odd moment for us, we just couldn’t help ourselves. I think it may have been the weekend after D-Day, but I’m not even sure.
We basically held off through the speech and a lovely rendition of Danny Boy, and then went at it like bunnies.
Ah, ok. mnemosyne reminded me of one. When I was in college a friend (he’s mostly a friend, except for that one night…err morning) spent the night out till closing time (which in NY is 4AM). By the time we wandered home it was closer to 5. At which point we somehow decided this was the moment to take our relationship to a different level.
Which we proceeded to do, to the joy of all, untill…the clock ticked over to 6 and the radio station we were listening to switched from the punk rock/death metal we were screwing to to…
KLEZMER!!!
I’m sorry, I defy you to try and have hot drunken sex to Klezmer music.
We were both laughing too hard to keep going. Which is just as well, he made a better friend anyway.
When I was in college I dated a guy who had quite a few piercings, including a barbell in his tongue. One day he was going down on me, and just as I was really starting to enjoy myself, he stopped. I sat up to look at him, and he had a horrified look on his face. I asked what the problem was, and he stuck out his tongue.
The barbell was gone.
We ended up finding it in the sheets, but that was definitely a panicked moment.
My ex and I were having sex at his house one afternoon. This was while we were still in high school. I’m apparently kind of …uh, verbally appreciative during sex. They’d just gotten a new door installed that day; a very quiet one. So suddenly we hear a loud sigh and I freak out and run into his closet.
His stepdad comes to the door. He’s on the floor covered in his blanket, completely naked. His stepdad asks “You you doing?” “Fine.” “From what I could hear, yeah.”
Then there was the time when “One Winged Angel” came on while we were having sex…
It isn’t quite “my” sex but it’s become an injoke with Mom and me.
SIL is a doctor. Now, I know a doctor is not a Betan sex therapist, but still I would expect one to have sexual knowledge beyond “birds and bees”. After they’d been married for a year, Mom (yes, the same Mom who totally freaked out a couple years prior when she found out that I’d “lost” my virginity at 29, I only have one Mom) and me found ourselves, in the grassy part of a public swimming pool, explaining SIL about such outrageous concepts as “from behind” (no, it doesn’t mean up the ass), “doggy style”, on a chair, her on top…
Apparently they got over the difficulties but sheesh!
Last year they moved. We helped them move: the other bro, the respective Moms, SIL’s best friend and her husband Alex. Alex and me went down to his van for the last load. We lift a desk and a pile of papers and there is a sleeveless DVD there. blink blink Now, I’m no expert in human anatomy, but that was five naked women with strange bikini waxes and their shoulders thrown back in that way no actual non-posing woman throws them back. We stare at the DVD. Alex says “uhm”. I say “that yours or his?” “Uh, I’m hoping it’s his, because if it’s hers I’ll get worried and it isn’t mine.” I pick it up, insert it in between the papers and we go on doing our best impersonations of two people who have not, absolutely not, found someone else’s pr0n. Nooo way, not us. We wouldn’t recognize pr0n if we saw it, either. Nope. All Alex and me now have to do to crack each other up is mention DVDs.
Nava, what’s “the grassy part of a public swimming pool?” I’m thinking this is a natural pool, rather than an all concrete one – or is there some other cultural difference between here and there that I’m ignorant of?
The pool itself is concrete, but there is a large grassy area around it, where people lie down on their towels or sit in low chairs.
This particular club is out of town so you don’t get a lot of people. There were at least three yards between our group and the nearest one. In one of the pools in town, we would have been elbow to elbow.
Sort of like being in the middle of the town square only with bikinis involved.
