Funny things said during love making/intimate moments...

[Whammo]

Dont know how popular this thread will be, but I will start with my own discription. If this is too graphic I am sorry, I will try not to make it that way.

I was making love to a woman, my GF of a long time, and I was just starting to get to the edge, when she said, and I kid you not, "you're my home, come into me." I just sort of stopped for a few second and looked at her. Then the corner of my mouth began to twitch no matter how much I willed it not to. Finally I BURST out laughing and had to collapse next to her until my fits of laughter finally subsided. I laughed and found it humorous.... but I felt bad because, well, it made her cry that I was laughing, I tried to explain it to her but she didnt see the humor. To this day it still makes me smile whenever I think of it. I mean COME ON! Thats funny stuff, or am I just a clod?

[Whammo]

Does anyone else have any "tender moments gone wrong" stories?

[Homer]

Hmm... one time I was drunk and with this girl, and we were, um, really no delicate way to put this, doing it doggy style, I slipped out, and, erm, air was released. She was so embarrassed, and I was laughing my ass off. Childish, I know. But it was damn funny to me at the time.

--Tim

[dpr]

One time when making love to a new girlfriend (our first time sharing biblical knowledge) she looked at me oddly (tho happily) and said "Yeah, gotta do this again."

It was oddly said with an odd look and actually DURING the act.

I guess you had to be there......

[Whammo]

*LOL* Thats pretty funny homer!

BTW I need to correct a typo.. it was "I'M your home, come into me" ..not You're...

[Whammo]

HAH! dpr, that would freak me out. I'd be like, "what am I doing wrong THIS time"

[ChiefScott]

"Do you have the right hole?"

What? You can't tell?

[GaWd]

Once I was making love with one of my Exes...no, we were boning, I mean going at it fiercely...

Just as the moment of climax came, I said the oh, so cliche "I'm gonna come!!!", My girlfirend, dazed and confused as she was, responded "I love you too!!"

THankfully, I was able to do the deed without bursting into spasms of laughter, but when we were through, I was ROTFLMAO...



-Sam

[Saint Zero]

I was with my wife...

Let me explain. I've inherited a hip problem, in which my hip will pop out of joint when bent at certain random angles normally available to reasonably flexable humans. It can be extremely painful, but easy to correct if you can move your hip and leg into a straight line.

I was just about to reach one of the highpoints of the nights adventures (making love to my wife is always an adventure, great thrill ride) when... *pop*. That's right, just at the exact moment we hit the sweet spot, my hip takes a journey into the twilight zone. Meaning, with that final thrust, I have to *really* pound it home to get my leg into a nonpainful line *quick*. My loving wife is bent into a new position, and her husband is coming and *cussing* like hell, at the same time.

We didn't stop laughing for hours. Made for a wonderful night.

(PS: I love making up new ways to describe this without being too graphic.)

[NothingMan]

How about in the middle of the act singing :
Oh Sheri, I'm in love
holds on
holds on . . .

Yeah, a freak "Journey" attack.

The bad thing was - her name was Christi.

Ummmm, life goes on and such . . .

[DAYIUZ]

My funny moment was before the actual deed, but it still counts....

My girlfriend and I were still in the foreplay part of the night. I had already gotten all her clothes onto the floor and was in the middle of a long, full-body massage with oils and everything. I was sitting on the back of her legs and massaging her back. She had made the comment that I was making her feel very relaxed. About 5 minutes after that, while aparently feeling a little too relaxed, she let out one of the loudest farts I have ever heard. I mean, I have never heard a girl blow ass like that. I thought it was gonna wake up my roomate!! I could not stop laughing. I appologized afterwards, but the damage was done. I got no lovin that night.

I still smile when I think about it.

[NothingMan]

DAYIUZ,

I think I just wet myself laughing.

Yours,

[Lexicon]

Officially the funniest fuckin' thread I have read in a long ass time.

Thanks, guys, I needed that.

[DAYIUZ]

Glad I am not the only one that thought it was funny. Some people have said that it was just rude of me and that I should have waited till later to laugh. I say to them: While I do not possess the Vulcan Mental Discipline you refer to, I would have laughed anyway.

I am glad to hear others find it a humorous event.

[MovieMogul]

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

[GaWd]

DAYIUZ, That's truly a classic man.

I had an experience like that once. I was getting a little fellatio, post sex, and I was truly relaxed...well, I blasted one in this girlfriend's face.

She cried, and carried on, and I laughed the whole time. If she had ripped a little ass like that in front of me, I would have laughed all night long.

-Sam

[tatertot]

Once my husband came home with some flavored condoms that he'd picked up in a men's room somewhere. The first one we tried was mint, and it tasted okay, but we just couldn't get into using it during oral sex, so we decided to switch to intercourse (with it still on.) He, um, penetrated me, and next thing I know, I'm on FIRE and not in a good way. So, I'm screaming, Eek get it out of me, get it out of me, and the poor guy is confused and asks "Did I put it in the wrong hole?" I had to push him off of me, and run screaming to the shower, it was at least a half hour before it cooled down.

Another hint, semi related, do not use Dr. Bronner's peppermint soap on any of your pink parts! Unless, of course, you're into that kind of thing...

[Tomcat]

My best friend and I were dating two roomates years ago. We were hanging out after watching a movie and they (friend and his GF) started kissing and carrying on, so they excused themselves into the bedroom. A little while later we heard the bed knocking up against the wall and moaning and groaning. The moaning and groaning started to get a little out of hand it seemed, and my GF and I were starting to giggle a little when all of a sudden my friend SCREAMS "Uh,ooooohhh, AAHHHHHHhhh-THOMAS!!!!!!" (MY name :P ). My GF and I fall over laughing while we hear his GF SCREAMING at him! Next thing we see is my friend running out of the bedroom laughing with a towel wrapped around his waist, ducking while a book comes cruising towards his head! The "I was just kidding honey!" didn't seem to work on her- she was PISSED!

We couldn't move we were laughing so hard...

[Tomcat]

Or have any of you ever had to extract a condom from inside because it slipped off? Hard to do with a straight face!

[Sealemon88]

Tomcat: that was some funny shit!

"Ooooooh, THOMAS!" Holy shit!

[Mullinator]

A midget, a rabbi, and a horse walked into a bar...

[SaxFace]

Okay, most of the New Yorkers know of this little episode, but it's worth repeating because they all peed in their pants when I told them about it.

Once, my old boyfriend Sean and I were right in the middle of doing the nasty and, as he's pumping away, he asks, "do you know how to cook rice?"

It doesn't get more humiliating than that, folks.

[mega the roo]

My ex-boyfriend and I were (quite seriously) getting on with our business, with winamp busting behind us, when this song called "Donkey Cock" came on.

And no matter how hard we tried to block out the lyrics, they busted in and we laughed our asses off to the point that we got up and e-mailed the artist.

-"Donkey Cock. You suck dick like a retard plays the fiddle"
-"Donkey Cock. Porno films, jack my dick with rented hands"
-"I fuck homeless women, it gives them a place to sleep and a hot meal."

Okay. I just read this over and it's obvious that you have to hear the song to find it funny.

Bah.

[Tomcat]

One last one for today...

Ever cough or laugh and have Coca-cola or milk go up your nose? Well I was with my girlfriend and...

Well, I bet your imagination can finish the rest!

[Kiki]

Let me explain. I've inherited a hip problem, in which my hip will pop out of joint when bent at certain random angles normally available to reasonably flexable humans. It can be extremely painful, but easy to correct if you can move your hip and leg into a straight line.

My hips do the same thing. It can be extremely painful sometimes. I've never had it pop out during sex though!!



Once, my boyfriend, Sean, and I were making love and our heads were at the foot of the bed. I was on top of him, working pretty hard, and my 2 1/2 year old daughter walked into the room. I don't know how long she watched us but she finally spoke up and said, "Watcha doin mommy?" I stopped in my and tracks tried to cover up a little bit. My daughter kept talking, "Boobies mommy, where'd Sean go, mommies butt, watcha doin mommy..." on and on.

It was pretty funny. I had to stop and get out of bed and get her a glass of milk before she'd go back to bed. Kind of ruined the mood but we laughed about it. I just hope it doesn't scar her for life!

[SqrlCub]

One time my ex and I were having sex and he started humming Wagner's "Ride of the Valkeries." It was so funny at the time. We both got an insatiable case of the giggles after that because of the immensity that the song implies. It was too funny.

HUGS!
Sqrl

[soulsling]

my girlfriends roommate walking in on us last night actually and then shouting, "you GO GIRL!!!" and proceeded to dance in front of us while my girlfriend jumped off of me to run and grab some clothes while i'm just sitting there in front of the two of them "at full attention"
the smile on my face didn't go away 'till this morning.

[horowitz]

Me and a former roomate were having a party with a bunch of people over. He had made friends with a lovely girl and disappeared into his room. The rest of us were sitting in the living room watching TV when the noises started.

You see he had a bed with one of those metal frames and casters on the legs. He also had a hard wood floor in his room. So the bed is being driven all over the room knocking shit over and making a hell of a racket. At one point his guitar gets knocked over making that sproing sound. The rest of us were guessing what each sound was.

"That was a lamp"

"That had to be his jar of pennies"

"I'm not sure but that sounded like a goat"

A bed with wheels on a wood floor, this still cracks me up.

[kiffa]

I will never again be able to hear "Ride of the Valkeries" without laughing...... Is your ex still around?

[Xploder]

The wife and I were kind of drunk one night and she reached over and grabbed what she thought was a tube of lube...nope, it was my extra strength Ben-Gay for my back and knees. Painfull doesn't even begin to describe the sensation. Didn't hurt at first but soon as I was inside, it BURNED something fierce. We ended up in the shower for most of the rest of the night.

[SqrlCub]

My ex is still around. We broke up after 5.5 years and he now lives in Baltimore and I live in DC. I am with another boyfriend now. I am glad that you thought it was funny. I know we did.

HUGS!
Sqrl

[SqrlCub]

My ex is still around. We broke up after 5.5 years and he now lives in Baltimore and I live in DC. I am with another boyfriend now. I am glad that you thought it was funny. I know we did. I should also say that he was pretty dry and boring a lot of the time. When you think of the stereotype of the unfunny, totally serios 100% of the time Capricorn's, then you have an idea of what he was like almost all the time. He still was very kind and sweet until the end.

HUGS!
Sqrl

[SkeptiJess]

I have 2 stories:

1). I went to bachelorette party a few years ago and won a prize at one of the games. The prize was a finger puppet shaped like the end of a penis. It was as long as my thumb, a little smaller than life sized around and extremely realistic. That night, I kept my puppet palmed when my old man and I went to bed. I also was careful to keep the small bedside lamp on. Midway into the main event, I slipped the puppet into my mouth and onto my tongue. On each thrust I stuck the head of the penis-puppet out of my mouth. Kevin was pretty into things so it took him a couple of thrusts to notice, but when he did he laughed so hard he lost his erection.

2). This is my favorite story, although it isn't as graphic as some on this thread. As I've mentioned on a few other threads, my husband is not a very romantic guy -- which is just as well if this story illustrates what happens when he attempts 'sweet nothings.' Several years ago, we were making love. It was very nice. Afterwards, he kissed me sweetly and whispered, "You know, honey, I can't think of anything I've had as long as I've had you that I still enjoy so much." The funniest thing was the completely sincere look on his face. I couldn't help it, I just burst our laughing, and after a second, so did he. We still laugh about it.

[Thing 1]

My wife has this thing about eyes. She gets really grossed out if she can only see the whites of somebodys eyes. Well, one night we were having some fun and just as I passed the point of no return I relaxed and my eyes rolled up in their sockets. From her reaction I thought some axe murderer had sneaked up behind me. She totally freaked. We still laugh about it, and I try to remember to keep my eyes closed.

John

[Biggirl]

I'm crying here! If my husband didn't have internet access and hadn't threatened to visit here, I'd tell you some funny stories!

O.K., just one.
Hubby and I are having fun when in walks our son, who was about 6 years old at the time. We spring apart, grabbing sheets and pulling them up neck high.
"He didn't see anything." My husband whispers to me.
"Daddy, why do you have a rubberband around your penis?" My son then asks.

I laughed and laughed. My husband did not find it funny at all.

[Shadenwawa]

omg this thread is hilarious. I'm cryin' at work here.

My story goes like this:

One night in college my fiancee (gf at the time) and I were, well, involved... I was, well, lets just say I was working "down below". Right when I was really gettin' into it, she sneezed, and her hips bucked. Smacked me full in the face and scared the bajeezus out of me. We still laugh about that one.

-S

[Drain Bead]

Okay. BF at the time and I were sitting on the floor watching a movie when one of the two of us got bored (can't remember which) and started putting the moves on the other. So we end up naked going at it on my bedroom floor. No biggie there.

Thing is, at the time, I didn't have a chair for my computer, and my head was right next to the thing I was using for a chair--a very large purple Rubbermaid utility bucket--one that is almost three feet tall. My head was right up against it. I didn't notice this until somehow the bucket FELL OVER from behind my head and hit me on the forehead.

We laughed about that for about five minutes, while somehow managing to complete the act through gales of laughter. I'd imagine the look on my face was priceless, but you'd have to ask him for a definite answer.

[purrplebear]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!! I can hardly stay in the chair, I'm laughing so hard!! Great topic,B_Line! I'm so glad to know that such funny/embarrassing stuff happens to other people too!

I have lots of stories, but I'll just share one. One night while hubby and I were making love, just as we were really getting into the 'swing' of things, my cat decided she wanted some attention, and walked across his tush. Meowing for attention. With her claws out.
Let's just say, the way he jumped felt 'interesting' and his scream of pain really freaked me out, til I found out what had happened. Then, we both got to laughing so hard he rolled off me, and it was a while before we could finish.

After we locked Sassy out of the bedroom.

[CanadianSue]

DAYIUZ, you have me in fits of giggles. Thats something I always fear will happen to me, but am happy to say at this point hasnt happened yet lol.


A cute one that didnt involve me, but a girl I work with (she has the wildest stories that just put us into hysterics)

She was at her boyfriend's house in high school and he told her he wanted some lovin. She had never done that before but thought she would impress him with her worldly ways. Once he was done...

"I had this mouth full of stuff I didnt know what to do with so I grabbed an empty glass on his night stand and spat into it. When we finally got up he rinsed the glass and put it in the kitchen sink. That night his mom invited me for supper and when we sat down, I almost peed my pants, mom had poured milk in the same kind of glass."

[Satan]

A girlfriend of mine was (and presumably still is) close to her family, and an aunt in particular whom I chatted online with from time to time.

They were having a conversation about me, and her aunt made some joke about how I would come over to her place for blow jobs. (I never met her in person at that point, and she was totally kidding around). My girlfriend relayed this back to me, and we laughed.

Later, while I was getting oral sex from this girl, it struck me to be a funny guy, and I moaned as seductively as I could, "Oh God, baby, you're much better at this than your aunt is!"

She immediately stopped, and cracked up for jysterically for several minutes, and I laughed along with her.

Unfortunately, she could no longer continue that act after this due to laughter, so it did have its drawbacks...

__________________
Yer pal,
Satan

I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
One month, one week, three days, 15 hours, 36 minutes and 19 seconds.
1626 cigarettes not smoked, saving $203.25.
Life saved: 5 days, 15 hours, 30 minutes.

[Beadalin]

The time: my freshman year of college.
The place: my friend's boyfriend's room.
The background info: My friend and I used to hang out in her BF's room, because he had a futon and a large TV. He was roommates with a guy, we'll call him Andy. Andy, meanwhile, had a girlfriend who we'll call Erica. Andy and Erica were very sexual, and items like handcuffs and whatnot would appear in the room regularly. So...

The scene: We were all watching a movie late at night, when Andy and Erica retired to their upper bunk, curtained-off bed. Pretty soon curious noises start coming out from behind the curtain, and those of us below were feeling both embarrassed and annoyed. All of the sudden, there was a huge thud right next to me (closest to the bed), and I looked over to see a plastic leg lying on the floor. Without thinking, I gasped, "Is that a leg?!", wondering what in the hell kind of kinky purpose they were using that for.

Turned out Erica had lost her real leg in an accident seven years earlier, but I had never known she had a false leg. I guess it fell off as they were getting intimate. To this day my friends will occasionally say, "Is that a leg?".

[plnnr]

This only counts if "Oh f*ck, my nose is broken!" counts as being "funny."

My alltime favorite position is woman on top. That lets her control the tempo and also gives my bad back a little bit of a break. A former girlfriend and I are enjoying the hell out of ourselves and we both are getting to that point where you sort of become oblivious to the world - you're just in the moment. In the throes of this, I raise my head and shoulders up from the pillow just at the time that she bends forward - SMACK! Her nose is broken, blood is streaming down her face onto my chest, complete chaos ensues. By the time we get to the emergency room the towel is soaked through, her eyes are completely black, and I have a knot the size of a tennis ball on my forehead.

Not long after that she broke up with me.

[voguevixen]

My face hurts from laughing at this thread!

It wasn't anything funny that was said, but mother nature once intervened in lovemaking with my husband in a comical way. It was one of those sessions that started out with promise, but after a while I became apparent that for whatever reason it wasn't really gonna happen for either of us. It was early in our relationship so neither one of us wanted to risk hurting the other person's feelings and just saying "let's call it a night, huh?" lol. So we're absentmindedly grinding away hoping the other will finish or give up, when suddenly: there's an earthquake! Just a little one, but enough for us to stop, enjoy the bed shaking without us for a couple of minutes, and then burst into laughter. It was so hilarious trying to tell each other "The earth moved for me" and keep a straight face, lol!

I have to admit, I think the story with the leg almost takes the cake, ROFL!!!

[Valerieblaise]

A long long time ago, I lived in this tiny one-bedroom apartment. My boyfriend at the time slept over every night, and I also had a female friend (Kim) that ended up crashing on my couch frequently. I did not realize that I could be kind of loud during sex until one morning when I came out of my bedroom and she started imitating how I sounded at a very special moment, if you know what I mean. Evidently I used the phrase "Oh God" more than once... anyway, the BF started giggling and said that I did, in fact, sound just like that.

So the next time Kim slept over, the BF and I went to "bed" and right in the middle of it, I yelled out, "Oh my dark lord of the underworld! Oh Satan!" The BF got this horrified look on his face, I heard Kim shrieking with laughter in the living room, and the BF started laughing too, once he realized that I was kidding. It killed the mood for that night, though.

They never made fun of my sex noises again.

[as_u_wish]

A long time ago, in a generation far, far away...when it was a sin to have sex before you were married....

The action: My fiance and I are sorely tempted, feeling we cannot possibly wait any longer and heck it's only two weeks until the wedding and what difference could it possibly make to anyone, anyway, and there have never, ever been two people as much in love as we are and oh God I want you so bad.

So, we are on the couch, following the logic that if we were in the bedroom what we were doing would be "sex," but out here on the couch it's just "necking." We are getting closer...closer...ooo very, very close to going where neither of us has ever gone before...very nervous, passionate...remember that FIRST TIME???? That wonderfully fearful mixture of anticipation and passion???

The setting: Old, cheap housing, infested with cockroaches, mice and other vermin. My landlord has kindly placed mouse traps virtually everywhere.

Resuming action: At THE MOMENT--well for him anyway--remember it was long ago and we were "inexperienced" ... right before the moment ... a mouse steps into a mousetrap immediately under the couch. Snap goes the trap, scaring us half to death. The world stops. We think at first we can ignore this. But it was not to be, for this particular mouse did not have the common courtesy to die quickly and quietly. Oh no! It flops around. It squeals. It flops some more. The trap bangs repeatedly against the couch leg, and you can almost hear the mouse's tail slap, slap slapping on the floor. In due time, the mouse expired.

And so did our passion. For by this time we are laughing, horrified, laughing, embarrassed, laughing, ashamed, laughing, crying.

Aftermath: We pulled on what few clothes we had actually dared to take off (if you are partially dressed it isn't really "sex"), pulled out the couch, found the dead mouse and the trap. And being basically good people and very much in love...we naturally disposed of the mouse, painted the mouse trap gold and put it on the mantle with a little label saying "virgin sacrifice"..."how God kept us pure for the last two weeks."

No thing since has ever been quite that poignantly funny.

[Biggirl]

as u wish, that is the sweetest thing.

You must be horrified at the goings on on this thread!

[Satan]

[b]So the next time Kim slept over, the BF and I went to "bed" and right in the middle of it, I yelled out, "Oh my dark lord of the underworld! Oh Satan!"/B]

I thought you weren't going to tell anyone, Val!!

Drainy, it was before you, I swear...

__________________
Yer pal,
Satan

I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
One month, one week, three days, 18 hours, 34 minutes and 44 seconds.
1630 cigarettes not smoked, saving $203.87.
Life saved: 5 days, 15 hours, 50 minutes.

[Vestal Blue]

OH, this thread is good!

my wife and I were on our Honeymoon, and had rented a half-cabin for the week.
In the other half of the cabin was a couple in their 70's, who seemed to be mostly deaf. They'd wake us very early with the tv on at full blast, but we got even.....

The headboard on our bed wasn't attached, and was right against the dividing wall, so I'm sure we kept them up at night......

K-wham! K-wham! K-wham!

[Whammo]

Alright... I have another one.

My GF at the time and I went through this "toy" phase we would purchase "items" from a specialty magazine (adam and eve) and give them a try. Some were successfull and some where not. The following account is one that was not.

We purchased these little pink latex "tickler" bands, they were about an 2 inches wide and textured with a variety of fancy "please her" designs.

We were gettin it on so to speak, when we had the idea "hey, lets try those!" So I get one and stretch the ring around my thing. It felt kind of different at first, and I have to say her face didnt exactly scream pleasure. Then it started to feel good and right. A couple of minutes pass and I decide to feel down there and make sure its still positioned right. Guess what, there was nothing to feel. I sit back and look down and its not on me. I looked left and right and it was no where to be found. I guess I looked a little perplexed because my GF started to look concerned. Suddenly I went in after it. Nothing sensual about it, I was on a mission.

NOW... I tell you, I have never seen eyes pop wide open to the size of saucers as my GF's did when I suddenly crammed a couple fingers and fished around for a bit. About the time she exclaimed "What the HELL are you doing!" I located it and pulled it out and held it above my head and triumphantly declaired "I found it!"

I dont even recall how long our fits of laughter lasted, It still makes me laugh just thinking about it.

[SaxFace]

Ok, I have another story, too.

When I lived in San Francisco, I was a regular at a bar called Midtown a few blocks from my apartment. (It's now called Molotov's for those who can't place it) Anyway, I played pool with a bunch of fellows every night and became good friends with them. One of them, Pete, was especially talented and extremely attractive.

To make a very, very long story short, we ended up at my apartment one night and we started getting busy. He took off his shirt, and, to my astonishment, had several tattoos.

One of them was a yellow Star of David.

In my drunken haze and throes of passion, I asked him, "are you the sheriff?"

He laughed straight for 20 minutes. I moved to New York two days later.