After switching phone carriers, I had a credit of $9.14 with the old one. When I called to ask how they were getting that to me, they announced that they were no longer refunding amounts under $10.
I was flabbergasted, and asked how they could justify stealing. They said that it wasn’t stealing, merely a new company policy. When I informed them that taking money that did not belong to you was, in fact, the textbook definition of stealing, they agreed to mail me a cheque.
Of course, if the person you try this on speaks Russian, it won’t work. At this point, you should sneeringly say, “Nyeh cultoornee!” and march away with your nose in the air.
(The above is a phonetic rendering of the only insult I know in Russian. It means “uncultured,” which apparently is a much nastier insult in Russian than it is in English.)
I used to do something similar when I get panhandled – I would look puzzled and say “Je regrette que je ne parle pas anglais” (I’m sorry, I don’t speak English" in French). Once I got a bum who busted me; without hesitating, he said, “Ne derangez-vous… je voudrais un peu d’argent americain” (“Don’t trouble yourself… I would like a little american money.”) I was so charmed that I gave him some.
I understand people are stressed out and angry. I am too. It’s a nasty time of year as everyone completely misses the entire point of all of the various Holy and holi-days in it.
But time and time again, I fail to understand or accept the idea that if you yell at and threaten the person you are asking to help you, he will help you even more.
No, I have this little button over here. It makes you go away.
You are so smart! Suddenly, I’m feeling much better about this whole thing. 
Thank you. I’m thinking this will be very useful in so many amusing ways.
I love it. I would have given him money too.
I, personally, would probably enjoy some of these emails, if all ID is filed off before posting them.
Oh, bloody hell. What is WITH these damned Motorola DVR cable boxes? Once more, it has locked up so that I can’t access the second tuner and the DVR controls aren’t working. I have to unplug it to reset things, which means moving furniture around.
What the fuck, Motorola?
And aren’t you going to feel differently after you quit your job because you’re making millions?
All because someone on a message board said:
***“Hey, Chef! I’d buy one of those Nutella Knives you’re going to design…” ***
(with the patented ‘recursive spatulate blade’, to get all the chocolatey hazelnutty decadence out).
Hmm, is it OK to be optimistic in a Thanksbitching thread?
Excellent – I just need a couple thousand bucks worth of seed money to develop the idea. You can make out the check to Cheffie’s Awesome Scrapetastic Helper. Or, you know, just use the initials to save having to write all that out by hand.
You know, I think I’d like to expand this mini-rant to a couple of other kitchen offenders: namely, mayonnaise jars and applesauce jars. The mouths of these jars are FAR smaller than the jars themselves, and it drives me crazy. I always wind up having to angle the jar and try to collect enough to use on the utensil, invariably getting mayo or applesauce all over my hand in the process. #firstworldproblems
Well played, indeed.
And, yes, this does count as a classic hashtag:firstworldproblem. But then most of my pet peeves do.
I live in the first world; aren’t all of my problems by definition first world problems?
I hate my cable company. Every few hours my internet speed slows to some fraction of the speed I used to get on dialup.
I have broken another tooth. This has caused a bridge to come out. I have chalk teeth. I want dentures and do not have a job. I guess I won’t be smiling or eating for a while.
Warm milk, pour it in, screw lid closed, shake it up. Pour into goddaughter for maximum effect.
And that mental image warmed me up as well…
But please… don’t reveal this recipe to the world until after Chef sells his millionth Scrapetastic NutellaNife™.
Man, when I need a name for a new product, you’re the dude I’m coming to. 
I pit the universe for giving me a stomach bug the Saturday after Thanksgiving. No leftovers for me (we did the feast on Friday because of family conflicts), getting sick in someone else’s house sucks, even if it is your parents’ place, and the trip home was grueling, even though my husband (who was also sick) drove. I’m better today, but what an awful weekend!
I need a do-over on Thanksgiving.
Why on earth would you want to eat the leftovers that tried to kill you the previous day?
It wasn’t food poisoning; there was no food overlap among the affected individuals and the timing was all wrong. Otherwise I’d have immediately suspected something in the meal. The day I actually got sick, I also hadn’t eaten any thanksgiving leftovers at all.
It was just a run of the mill stomach virus with horribly unfortunate timing.
Not really, fourth world people live in the first world.