I have a serious problem with making decisions. I’m vexed by such choices as, '‘TV Dinner or ‘Hamburger Helper tonight?’’ I usually just give up and eat potato chips or something. The problem is, I imbue everything with finality and moral weight, even what to effing cook for supper. It’s annoying as hell, just ask Sr. Olives.
But this thread isn’t about my atrocious eating habits. It’s about graduate school. I got into both Penn and Columbia’s graduate school of social work. A blessing you say? Absolutely, unless you are chronically indecisive! I’ve been to both campuses, talked with alumni from both schools, and sat down one-one-one to ask detailed questions about the programs. I’ve exhaustively weighed the pros and cons of each school.
I have concluded, based on some painful confrontation with myself, that NOT going to Columbia would be damned stupid, despite the vast number of inconveniences I’d have to put up with (most of them transit and moving-related, but some having to do with the program’s size and the feel of the community.)
Columbia’s particular program is ranked 4th in the nation, and I believe that is attributable to the fact that you can basically do anything you want there. I can have a practice method in Advanced Clinical social work with a specialization in International Social Welfare/Services for Immigrants and Refugees. I can also do the Generalist Practice and Programming practice method which would enable me to move seamlessly from clinical to macro issues, or as they put it, ‘‘case to cause,’’ and still specialize in International Social Welfare/Immigrant Services. Basically you can chose between 7x5 = 30 different combinations of study as an MSW student at Columbia. What I want to do is practically unheard of, and yet here they are, saying, ‘‘Sure, you can do that! In fact we have a special program for it!’’
Then there’s the fact that I’ve already been e-mailed personally by one of the professors, who says she’s excited that I’m coming because my my interest in immigration will give me plenty of opportunity to work with her and a number of other faculty members (which she listed by name.) Columbia’s incoming class is 450 students. Being contacted for a research opportunity this way, before I’ve even accepted, is kind like having the chocolate ice cream come to you, without having to pull it out of the fridge and run the scooper under hot water. Mmm, chocolate.
There are a shitload of things I don’t like about Columbia, but the above stuff pretty much outweighs them all. I can do things there that I can do nowhere else. Things I don’t think I can do at Penn. At least, not as easily.
Anyway, I really connected with the folks and the campus at Penn. The interview was a dream-like experience. There was a true connection between myself, the faculty and students. Pretty much all the things I don’t like about Columbia, Penn has. It took them forever to officially admit me, because I had to get a transcript in from one college course I took when I was 17, but I got a personal voice mail today from the admissions director herself informing me the decision was official (she also called me personally to tell me they’d received the transcript, and called me personally to ask for the transcript.) She asked me to call her back for some ‘‘wonderful news.’’
Damn it there is so much I love about Penn. One reason I continued jumping through the hoops to get that damned transcript in is so that years from now, when I’m applying for my Ph.D, they’ll have it on record I was admitted, not that my application was incomplete, because I can’t think of a better place to do doctoral work.
Now I have to call this lady… and what, tell her that even though her school is filled with amazing people, I can’t do it? After hounding the admissions office for weeks asking if they got my transcript? Imply in any way that there is a preferable option to working with her community? Would it be inappropriate to send a thank you card, at least, for giving me one of the most important experiences of my life?
My husband says they won’t take it personally, but the thing is, I will. I feel like I’m losing something important by closing that door.
What does this mean? Am I making the wrong decision? How do I know for sure?