Has anybody else seen parents do this?

The BBQ Pit
1

I had an allergist appointment with my son today. I thought he has a food allergy, however the test came back that he is mildly allergic to eggs, however it wasn’t enough of an reaction to explain the nasty outbreak of hives he had twice two weeks ago. That and I haven’t fed him any eggs, except for things that have eggs in it.

Anywho, there was a woman there with 2 of her three children. I’ve seen her in there before, so I knew that she’d be leaving, taking the youngest with her and leaving the oldest to be watched for an allergy shot reaction.

Before she left, her youngest and the boy were playing with blocks together. Her kid decided he didn’t want to share, so he kept taking things from my son and putting them in a pile where the boy couldn’t reach them. Okay, so I tell the boy to find something else to play with.

A few minutes later, her kid decides he doesn’t want my son playing with whatever it is that he had, so he took the toy away again. This time his mother saw it.

This happens a third time and now my son is looking to me for answers. I once again tell him to find yet another thing to play with.

Now there are lego blocks all over the place and my son starts cleaning up all the mess. The other kids’ mother looks at me and says the following:

“My son has problems. He isn’t being rude, but he is alittle autistic so that is why he is acting like he does.”

I have read alot about what parents with autistic children go through and I give them alot of credit. But, for an adult to use their children as an excuse for how their kids behave, pisses me off. Autistic children can learn manners, even if it is as simple as saying please and thank you.

I didn’t say anything to this woman as I knew if I opened my mouth, it wouldn’t have come out very nice. Instead I just nodded and said “Oh, okay” and left it at that.

When she left to pick up the middle child from wherever, the oldest one is sitting in a chair doing his homework, however he refuses to blow his nose. I know what it’s like when my allergies have my nose running like a faucet, but I blow it. This kid decided that he had enough of blowing his nose, and had a nice circle of used snot rags around him like he was staking out his personal zone.

When the mother comes back, the youngest stank like he sh!t his pants, but nobody said anything. After they left, I asked the boy if he farted as the room smelled so bad. The boy wasn’t happy with me, but I couldn’t imagine where all the foul stench came from that filled the room.

The oldest never did pick up all his snot rags. Instead he left them all for the office staff to clean up. How pleasant.

I’m not a perfect parent by any stretch, however I do make sure that my son atleast uses his manners when out in public, and it is expected that he pick up after himself regardless of where he is. I don’t ask, nor tell him to do it, it just gets done.

Nor do I use lame excuses for the behavior that sometimes comes out of the boy. If he’s being obnoxious or other wise, he gets dragged off to a quiet place and given a good speaking to. If he continues, he gets sent to his room or has to sit at the kitchen table with nothing to do until further notice when we get home. And he has to deal with being lectured all the way home and more when we get here.

I hear and see people complaining how kids act, whether it be lack of respect, no manners, ect… but I don’t think it’s entirely the kids fault. Perhaps one should look alittle deeper and see what the parent(s) are or not doing. It pretty much gives many clues of why some kids behave the way they do.

Has anybody else seen parents do this?

2

It’s not an excuse - it’s an explanation. Only some autistic kids can ‘learn’ manners. I put it in inverted commas because they’re not understanding politeness, or anything else like that, they’re just reciting something. They will not have ‘respect’, because they lack the ability to empathise - without the ability to know that others feel differently, it’s impossible for them to adjust their behaviour accordingly.

3

Well, I’m a little suspicious of anyone that says their kid is, “a little autistic,” even though it seems like it’s a bit of a spectrum disorder, in the same way that I’m suspicious of people that say they’re a, “little OCD,” but if the child really did have autism, it’s very possible that no, he couldn’t be taught manners.

4

My 4 year old nephew is a “little” autistic (parents are still somewhat in denial, but that’s another story). Anyway, this kid is in all sorts of early childhood intervention programs, therapy, etc., and although his appearance is normal, from his behavior it’s very obvious that’s something is just.not.right with this kiddo. I believe that even with all the therapy and time in the world, he will be fortunate to ever learn to say “please” or “thank you”, and even then, it will be as Gorilla Man said, just a recitation, probably to get something he wants. Cut the kid (and his mom) a break, and look at it as an opportunity to teach your son about diversity and compassion.

5

Yes, but then it was the mother’s responsibility to clean up after her kid.

6

I knew somebody with high-functioning autism, and while he wasn’t actively rude, when it came to social interactions involving emotion, he simply Did Not Get It. Nice guy, good friend, but he both misread signals and gave off missed signals left and right. It wasn’t usually a problem, but he was definitely a bit weird. His mother told me that when he was little, he was a lot more off than he is now; he didn’t talk until he was six, for example. Somehow I don’t think he got “please” and “thank you” if he wasn’t even talking, and if he had, he’d have learned them by rote. He was in college, btw, and a good musician, so he was far from a lost cause. I gathered he’d done far better than anybody had expected, but it had taken him his whole life to get that far.

So yes, this kid could have been a “little bit autistic.” Perhaps that’s just her way of putting it for ordinary people.

7

Okay, but that doesn’t explain why her oldest who was 11-12 couldn’t pick up after himself, as he and the middle one were fine.

I worked in a pediatric unit many years ago where alot of the “children” were older than I was, they just looked like they were kids because of all their health problems.

One of my favorites was said to be legally blind and didn’t have the ability to speak. She could make all kinds of noises, but she couldn’t speak words. We had one patient on the floor that could talk, speak and comprehend what he was being told.
The educational/physical therapists told me for months that no matter how long I worked there, she would never respond to me. The nurses didn’t really like this particular patient either, but that’s another story.

I took what I was told for what it was worth…nothing, and continued to go about my business. I talked to “Jaime” everyday, and she always had her evening snack at the nurses station which the nurses hated because she was noisy and would sometimes blow bananas out of her mouth like a person trying to whistle with a mouth full of crackers.

One afternoon I walked into work and made my way down to the classroom to see how Jaime did all day. When I got there the therapists and teachers were looking at me really weird. When asked what the problem was, they told me that Jaime who had been doing her thing in her chair, got really quiet all of the sudden before I came into the room.

The reason she got really quiet was because she learned my foot step pattern. While she wasn’t able to see me, or speak, she wasn’t deaf. Because she never acted this way with any of the other aids, nurses or teachers, they just labeled her as not being a patient that would respond to people.

It was shortly after that and after a back injury that management made sure they made my job hell, so I gave my two weeks notice and left.

Another piece of this puzzle goes to the pediatricans that they used. They were said to be the best, but when they did a physical, they never actually touched the kids. Never listened to their hearts, lungs, check their ears, ect…but they were the best.

My point is just because somebody says that a child or adult for that matter cannot learn something, doesn’t mean that they can’t. While I was doing my thing at work, I was working with a person that was pushed through high school without the ability to read more than childrens books because of his heart problem. Within a year and half, he could read and comprehend newspaper articles.

The only way to prove that a person cannot do something is to dedicate the time and effort and see what happens with the passage of time. Not by something that is written in a book that some doctor likes to quote and hold on to it as if it’s impossible for any person to defy their often bogus theories.

If this woman cannot teach her pre-teen son to pick up after himself, she obviously isn’t going to see what her “alittle” autistic son can actually learn manners or not.

Regardless, I don’t have to be back their until April and I’m sure they’ll be there. I’ll just make sure my son loads up his back pack with things he likes to do while he waits for his appointment.

8

Yup. Totally agree with you there.

9

What exactly where they supposed to say? If it smelled that bad then I’m sure his mother knew what had happened. Since they left then, what exactly is your problem with it?

The only thing I see that she should have done differently is make the snot-nosed kid clean up his tissues.

10

Agreed. And she could be underestimating the youngest’s abilities. But it could still take him a very long time to pick up socially acceptable behavior. It does sound like the mom isn’t helping much there.

Maybe she’s a bit overwhelmed, with three kids and the youngest is autistic?

11

Oy-I hear ya. I see parents around, but very little parenting going on. People! You are supposed to pay attention to your child! You are supposed to teach them manners! Or at least basic hygiene.

That “little” autistic comment seems weird to me. Is it like being a little bit pregnant? I realize there are degrees of autism, but the motions still need to be gone thru–or else how does the kid ever learn what is acceptable and what is not? I get it that he may never care or be able to perform to an accepted standard, but the effort must be made. the Kleenex is just plain gross–and that kid is way old enough to know to clean up after himself.

12

This is true. I went to school with an autistic boy. There were no special classes then, at least not at my school, so he was mixed in with everyone else. He was in all of my classes for about 7 years, so I got to see his behaviour on a daily basis. Whatever world he was living in, it wasn’t the one we’re used to. Yes, he did know his please and thank you’s, and he had small windows where he could communicate with others, but most of the time he was somewhere beyond our reach. Often he would let out horrible screams for no apparent reason, like he was being tortured - I would not have wanted to know what was going on inside his head during those times.

If the child in the office was truly autistic, there’s not much his mother could have done about his behaviour. She really should have picked up the mess her snotty kid made, though.

13

I think she asked her kid, not the other woman’s kid.

14

Well, yeah… but it sounds like the mother wasn’t even trying to model the correct behavior to her kid. “No, Johnny, we share toys”. “Johnny, time to pick up your trash” etc. Dweezil is autistic, and though we have no control over what he does when he isn’t around us, you’d better believe we intervene when his behavior is not appropriate in public. He wouldn’t have gotten away with taking another kid’s toys. I’ve been known to offer that same explanation when Dweezil is acting strange, but in the context of explaining why we had to intervene. NOT as a “get-out-of-jail-free” card.

The business with the used kleenex… well, that’s just slovenly. A kid won’t bother to pick it up himself unprompted but the grownup with him should definitely have reminded him to do so. Or done it herself if said kid wasn’t capable of following instructions.

15

I’ve heard the “little bit of autism” (or similar) description used by people whose kids have an Aspergers diagnosis. I suppose this is because most people recognise the word “autism”, but less of them recognise “Aspergers’ Syndrome”.

16

The supposed autism is completely irrelevant. The mother has the responsibility to ensure her children interact with the world appropriately, and stealing all the toys is not acceptable behavior. If her child was not capable of sharing, then the mother should have forced it to happen.

I think you behaved correctly, but personally, when the mother made it clear she wasn’t going to do her job, I would’ve stepped in. I would’ve told the other child directly that he needs to share, taken a toy or two and said “Johnny will play with these, you can play with those.” I would’ve done this for two reasons. First, I’m doubtful of the mothers claim, and it’s in the best interest of this child to learn manners, even if the mother refuses to teach them. Second, more importantly, I don’t want my child learning that it’s acceptable to be pushed around by bullys.

17

Oh, and third, I think that would have made the mother think about her own responsibilities too.

18

Just playing Devil’s Advocate for a moment, I’d rather imagine that if I had one child who had crapped his daks and another that had roused the (polite) hostility of another mother, I’d be more concerned with getting the heck out of the office than cleaning up the tissues.

I suspect the tissues would be so far down the list of things to think about that they wouldn’t even register.

19

The mother’s explanation of the youngest’s behavior didn’t sound like an apology (what I would expect or deliver), it was more like an excuse. She certainly didn’t say it in the manner that would incline one to believe her, either.