Let’s say your spouse or significant other has a vice that they want to stop, be it smoking, over eating, nail biting, or whatever. They complain to you that they want to cease this vice – every time they partake they feel guilty, but sometimes they can’t help themselves. Being nearly ever present, you are in a unique position to, er, observe this behavior and provide gentle reminders that their actions are counter to their stated goals.
I’ve never been foolish enough to try this myself, opting instead to become very adept at biting my tongue. I’m wondering if anyone’s ever had any success, or if the only way to win is not to play.
I think this sort of thing only works if the other person has asked for help. Both my husband and son are good at reminding me not to bite my fingernails. But neither would dare to if I had not asked them.
I wouldn’t do this unless my spouse had explicitly asked me, in words, to do this. And then I’d tell them I was going to do it, and give them the chance to say, “no, I don’t really think I want to do that”.
Doing this kind of thing without being prompted is nagging. It’s not particularly effective at ending bad habits, and it can be quite toxic to relationships. It’s disrespectful, it makes the naggee get defensive, and it can make it feel like your relationship is turning into a parent-child type relationship. None of those are good things in a romantic relationship. Nagging causes resentment, which is the most toxic emotion there is in a relationship.
My husband reminds me about my nail biting, and I remind him about biting his pinkie while he drives. Both of us, however, specifically asked the other to do it.
I think you can ask if they want reminders, but only during a conversation they initiated about how much they want to stop. And you have to make it clear that it’s going to be annoying for both of you. Because it is.
Many years ago, I dated a guy who was in recovery for a narcotics addiction. He fell off the wagon; said he didn’t need to go back to N.A. I contacted his sponsor. We developed a scenario where I would pick a fight with the BF about his lapse, which would lead to me issuing an ultimatum: get back into the N.A. program, or I’ll rat you out to your employer, family and friends, and then dump you.
I felt like a [censored] for manipulating him that way, but the plan worked. He got back into N.A. and turned things around. The relationship ended due to other factors, but last I heard he was doing well. Although in his case there was a “happy ending”, I don’t think I could do that again to someone.
With my husband, I have to remind him (frequently) that texting while driving is now illegal in our city and if he insists on doing it, to let me off at the next corner. I feel like a major whiner when doing this, but it’s for our safety, so…
Yes. My ex-whatever was lazy and fat, and so was I, but we had a thing wherein we’d wake up, get some exercise, and then go about our business. She was such a little pudgy excuse for a librarian she pretended not to notice me waking up, lacing up the sneakers. Too bad her favorite expression was “You can’t rape the willing,” otherwise, had she been more attractive, I’d have raped the shit out of her to put some fire in her belly.
Good times. BTW we’re divorced, or whatever. Terrible woman. Bright, funny, but terrible.
Well, I had regrets about posting that, apres coup. In my defense, I just saw “Blazing Saddles” for the first time unedited-for-TV. It was meant to be funny, but it could only be funny if one were able to discount the horror that lurks in all relationships.
She was fat and lazy – and so was I – and she did indeed like to try to put the spurs to me with her little motto, quoted supra.
I have done this for my husband with both nail biting and table manners. The nail biting he asked me to do for him. The table manners were because I was embarrassed by his manners (seriously, I have met 4 year olds who had better manners), but he did want to get better on my behalf. Both times he was a willing participant. Both times, it has worked (although he occasionally lapses on the nail biting.)
On the other-hand, nagging where he hasn’t expressly given me permission has failed miserably (ie, that damn toilet seat).
My first wife successfully convinced me to stop smoking with the simple choice of “it’s either cigarets or me.”
Unfortunately it turned out that her favorite negotiating tactic, for everything from my choice of friends to where went on vacation, was “it’s either (fill in the blank) or me.”
My husband has explicitly asked him to play bad cop on:
His eating habits
His interactions with our son
His lack of motivation to clean
His habit of watching TV until 2 a.m. on work nights
Not getting out of bed to help me any mornings (see above)
But…unless he’s really committed to making a change, no amount of bad cop will do the trick. He has to really internalize that something is a problem before anything he says is more than lip service. Luckily, working together has vastly improved all the issues noted above except the last.
Still, I would never play bad cop unless he explicitly asked me to. I might point out a problem if he says he’s having an issue, but I often ask if he’s looking to vent or wants solutions.
Yep. My mom sorta kinda wanted to quit smoking and my dad was constantly there while they were engaged, berating and chiding and teasing her. That sounds like hell to me but she’s super competitive and when he framed it as “I’m a stronger person than you since I don’t do that”, then it was only a matter of time.
To this day she thanks him for it, saying it was the 4th best thing he’s ever done - the first 3 are the kids.
I have only recently hung up my “bad cop” badge after its latest outing.
From November my wife’s been revising for medical school finals, which is tough going and a really long slog. Generally I’ve been trying to offer quiet support and encouragement, and I’ve accepted that sometimes she needs to relax and unwind which might mean a double-bill of “Real Housewives of Orange County” or somesuch crap.
But there have been a couple of times when she’s said she’s too busy revising to help with housework and I’ve caught her pissing about on Facebook, or she’s been so fed up with the whole thing that she wants to throw in the towel and give up.
If the gentle encouragement doesn’t work I have given her a proper bollocking a couple of times, pointing out that she’s spent years trying to get to a stage that 1000s of people would love to be at, and that f*cking it up with two weeks to go is not acceptable. She can be quite defeatist, which she recognises and has done a great job in turning around, but sometimes a “robust” reframing of the situation is needed to snap her out of it.
She doesn’t like me doing it, but after the fact we generally agree that it was worthwhile. She managed to pass her degree (results came out last week, hurrah) so it seems to have done the trick this time around.
In our relationship, my husband and I never, ever play bad-cop. Both of us react badly to it: someone criticizing me never makes me want to “show them” or “prove myself”–it just makes me want to prove that I don’t give a fuck what they think. And my husband just hates to feel pressured or manipulated. So we don’t do this.
I’m open to the idea that it could work for some couples, but I think this can only work if the “bad-cop” really doesn’t care about the behavior, or cares less than the person with the behavior.
I mean, your husband reminding you about your diet when you’ve asked him to is ok if he’s fine with your current weight. The same reminder from a man who really, really wishes you’d lose a few pounds because, frankly, he’s pretty turned off by seeing you naked is a totally different thing.
I can really see nail-biting working, because chances are both parties aren’t real emotionally tied up in success or failure. The other end of the spectrum has to be weight (food or exercise) because comments on these seem to be about who the essential person is, and it’s more likely that the bad-cop really does feel disgust/distaste.