Another poll for the ladies to hop on

So…have you ever done it just to “shut him up” even though you weren’t realy into the mood? What specificially were the magic words because, you know, just curious. :wink:

Only once, and it was horrible for both of us. I know, “Horrible sex?! Surely an oxymoron!” But it was. I was only doing it to make him happy, he knew it, and we both ending up in this ego-crushing, self-defeatist funk that left little room for even the most mechanical pleasure. All I could think was, “What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I want to do this?” and all he could think was, “What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t she want me?”

I learned my lesson, and I won’t do that again. I do occasionally give head when I don’t feel like having sex, but feel like giving my man a little pleasure (or just release), but I won’t sleep with anyone when I don’t want to ever again.

Sort of. I’ve had sex with the hubby when I wasn’t in the mood because, even when I’m not in the mood, it’s still pleasant. Kinda like a back rub. Yeah, there are no fireworks or anything, but it’s still a nice way to connect on a physical and spiritual level. Also, sometimes when I think I’m not in the mood, I end up getting into it anyway.

What, begging and jewellery stopped working?

Aside: My estranged and I refer to this as “The cabbage soup effect.” See, I make a marvelous cabbage soup, but it never seems like a yummy idea until you’ve got it in front of you.

It depends exactly what is meant by “not in the mood”, and *why * I’m not in the mood. If I could take it or leave it, then I generally take it. Like **norinew ** said, once we get started, I’ll usually get into it. Sometimes when you think you’re too stressed or distracted for sex, sex is exactly what you need!

But if I’m not in the mood because I’m not feeling well, or because I’m mad at him for some reason, then no.

Exactly. And there’s a shortage of bisexual Latvian twin sisters in Denver so I kinda need to take what I can get. :stuck_out_tongue:

Ya got pandas?

I don’t think I’ve ever been angry enough at my hubby to turn down sex, but I’m with ya on the not feeling well thing. OTOH, when I’m not feeling well, he knows better than to even ask.

Okay, this is almost certainly not what you’re looking for, but the times I’ve done this were inevitably (and I do mean inevitably) hideous for me.

And, to clarify, I mean had sex when I didn’t want to (as opposed to when I was neutral or distracted or busy or whatever - straight up did not want to have the sex) just to make him quit nagging me.

Of course, his form of nagging me was to make me feel defective, fat, ugly and worthless and spin it all in such a way that only my agreement to sex I in no way wanted could possibly make up for those flaws.

Why, yes, I am violently against this particular relationship manipulation tactic. Why do you ask?

Yep. Also because it doesn’t seem fair that, just because I’m not in the mood, he should have to go without. In fact, during the earlier years of our marriage (when our kids were small), we did it mostly when I wasn’t really in the mood. He has a pretty strong sex drive and usually (well, always) wanted sex every day, and sometimes twice a day. Whereas my drive ran to, maybe, once a week. My feeling was that, as norinew says, sex is pleasant and a nice way to connect as a couple, even if I’m not in the mood for an orgasm. It seemed to me that my doing it when I wasn’t strictly in the mood would hurt me a lot less than him doing without it when he was in the mood would hurt him. Our deal was, if I was really tired or busy, we would do a quickie. Less than 5 minutes twice a day kept him happy and feeling close to me. And, once a week or so, when I was in the mood, we’d get more involved.

Anyway, this works for us and has for 20 years now. I’ve found that his sex drive has tapered off a bit and mine has increased a bit, but we still do a couple quickies a week that are, mostly, just ‘for him.’ Sex has never been a battlefield for us, as it is for so many other couples I know.

Sure, of course. I expect he has also. Though I wouldn’t say it’s to shut him up exactly. I have certainly had sex of various kinds when I was not in the mood but he was. Heck, like an earlier poster, if we had had to wait until we were both in the mood we would never have had sex from, oh, the time I got pregnant the first time until our youngest was about four.

But he did have better luck in terms of full participation by beginning with “Hmm, what might get you in the mood?” And by not acting like a baby when the honest answer was “You do the dishes,”.

Hey, somebody else doing the dishes can make you feel very grateful under certain circumstances.

The double entendre was intentional, right?

Yeah. I’m a rude bastard.

Absolutely. And, like norinew and others, yes I have. It’s pleasant, and unless I’m really cranky and tired I’ll probably enjoy it.

That makes a lot of sense. Would someone mind emailing this to my husband? :smiley:

(I’m also reconsidering my “never again” stance. Y’all make a lot of sense, particularly about how if we wait until we’re both in the mood, it may take years. I just need to figure out how to re-wire it into my brain so that I don’t feel “put-upon” or martyred for doing it.)

I have a few times. One time it was after we’d had a serious argument and I didn’t enjoy it at all, but I knew it would make him happy.
Mostly because he was *really * in the mood, and I just wasn’t. Like **norinew ** said, it’s still pleasant. Not earth-shattering like it should be (hey, I’m spoiled) but still good.

What is this “Not in the Mood” that you folks are talking about?

If it’s been more than four days I will do it even if I’m not particularly in the mood. I figure four days is just about as long as a person should have to go without. If it ever gets to that long in-between it’s usually because we’ve both been busy, tired, stressed, sick, etc. and I don’t even realize it’s been that long until I think about it.

It’s something that happens when you’ve got a full time job, some kids, a house to take care of, bills to pay, and you’ve been having sex with this person for ten years and anticipate having sex with them for forty more. Sometimes you’ve just got other stuff on your mind.