Both on this message board and in the non-cyber world, I’ve often heard scenarios described like this one: My boyfriend/husband has annoyed me/angered me/ failed to perform a requested task, therefore I won’t have sex with him for a certain period of time as a punishment/motivational tool. How common is this amongst actual couples who aren’t joking or on a sitcom? Any doper ladies do this? Any doper men have this done to them? Any men do this to this to their women, or any same sex couples do this? I’ve been in a long term relationship for a couple of years now, and my girlfriend was once my ex-girlfriend so yeah we’ve fought, and nothing like this has ever happened to me. Hell, I get pretty surly on the rare occasions when she’s “too sleepy.” I can’t imagine putting up with a girlfriend who tried to pull the no sex until you’ve done XYZ. I thought the whole point of romantic couplings was that they consisted of two people who wanted to have sex with each other. I’m being hyperbolic of course but treating sex like this makes it seem like a commodity and to me makes the relationship seem rather whorrish (is this the best way to spell whorrish). The whole he apologizes even though he thinks he was right/cleans the gutters and in return I give him sex thing seems very similar to the he gives me money/jewelry/ a part in his movie and I give him sex thing. Not that I’m knocking prostitution, I’ve got no moral problem with it and think it should be legalized. But when we’re talking long term relationship stuff, I find this withholding sex stuff incredibly (wish I had a better word) unromantic and I would definitely break up with a partner who treated me like that.
The way I see it, I’m not a prostitute, so I don’t use sex as currency.
I just can’t conceive of using sex as reward and/or punishment. I think that implies you don’t enjoy it in the first place, and you do it solely because your spouse/SO does.
If you DO enjoy sex, the only reason you’d refuse sex to your spouse/SO would be because you’re mad at them or upset with them. In that case it’s natural not to want to have sex with them. I don’t see that as witholding sex for punishment.
For the record, I’ve never had a fight with my boyfriend that’s lasted long enough for refusing sex to be an issue.
Whorrish sounds like a small fuzzy animal to me, actually. “I’ll go check the whorrish traps after dinner.”
I think there’s a perception issue at play in these cases. Sometimes one person is saying “I’m so angry with you I can’t even look at you, let alone have sex with you” and the other person is hearing “I want to punish you by withholding sex”.
Yes, but that doesn’t mean that I want to have sex with my husband 24/7. If I’m upset for whatever reason (including matters completely unrelated to him), then I’m probably not going to want to have sex that night. Deal. I’m a human being, not a prostitute.
Then you need to grow up.
I think this is closer to the truth. I don’t want to have sex with someone who is pissing me off. I just don’t feel sexy in that situation.
However I wonder if this idea of ‘witholding sex’ stems from a time when (whether it’s true or not) men were meant to enjoy and expect sex, wives were meant to offer it as part of the marriage contract. If sex is seen as a gift or obligation from one person to another, then sex does indeed become a commodity.
What inspired me to post this was that in this thread Am I Justified? - Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share - Straight Dope Message Board Oakminster gave this advice on how to deal with a poster’s boyfriend’s annoying act “I suggest no nookie for him for at least a week, even if he does good by ya for Valentines.” Now I think Oak was joking, but I’ve heard a lot people express similar sentiments. I was just wondering if anybody actually took this kind approach themselves and how it works in their lives.
Thanks for spelling help Der Trihs.
Yeah you better, or there’s no pussy for you!
I assure you I am using all of my will to fight against doing so. Unfortunately it appears to be a losing battle.
If a significant other would to withold sex to punish me, I’ll cheat on her. Or at least, go in the bathroom with some pictures of her friends and some lube, and then leave them behind for her to discover.
I remember overhearing a girl in high school tell her friend how easily she brought her boy to heel by witholding the sex. I didn’t have much respect for her beforehand, but it was all gone afterwards. I hope she grew up enough to stop thinking this way. And that her boyfriend grew up enough to not be controlled this way.
I withhold sex from my wife to get my way…she’ll crack any month now.
Oh, I know people. I know my aunt does it, for example. Yes, TMI to know about your aunt. But she absolutely withholds sex until her husband drinks less, or whatever. I also know of at least one cousin who does it.
I’ve had friends that do this, and I just don’t understand it. I mean, it’s one thing to be upset or angry, whether through a fight with your SO or through something completely unrelated, and not be in the mood, but to consciously say that you won’t sleep with him until he does what you want? Yeah it’s prostitute like as well as immature and very hurtful towards your relationship.
I think it’s obnoxious if that’s whats going on; however, I think Manda Jo got it right, as she often does. If I’m really cheesed about something I don’t even want to talk to the person, let alone do them. FWIW, this has never happened with my hubby - he just doesn’t piss me off that much.
Two different things are being conflated here, both true.
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It is textbook manipulation for someone to withhold love or affection to shape another’s actions.
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For women particularly, emotional intimacy is key to physical intimacy.
So when Marge says, “no nooky till I get a new washer”, it’s clearly manipulation. But when Marge has no meaningful connection with an emotionally withdrawn hubby, she’s not going to want to put out.
I totally get why this is confusing to men, and why woman are often accused of being sexually manipulative. Like so much in life, it’s not black and white.
If my girlfriend were to withhold sex from me, I would punish her by withholding sex from her.
I think there’s a lot of the same perception issues surrounding the whole “withholding because he didn’t perform task x” thing. Especially when you’re dealing with one of those who has a permanent case of “getting around to it.” One party is saying, “I’ve been working all day, and now I have to do x too because you didn’t, and I don’t have the time or energy to do it, and I’m way too tired and stressed and cranky to have sex,” and the other is hearing, “I’m going to punish you by withholding sex.”
Yeah, I’ve been withholding for three or four years now. Someday she may notice.