In this thread the OP asks for a way to show appreciation for the extra hard work her husband did.
Dozens of responses suggested sex (usually oral). (Someone said oral doesn’t count as sex, but I completely disagree.) I was glad to see one person mention being uncomfortable with the idea of reward sex…but only one??
At first I thought I was being wooshed that anyone would suggest sex as a way to show appreciation. I’m trying really hard to come up with a way to express my feelings about it without sounding like an uptight prude or, worse, holier than thou. But I can’t
Seriously…I can’t imagine being in a relationship where sex is “used” for…anything. Maybe during a casual relationship or a booty call relationship, but in a committed relationship? Really?
If sex can be “given” than it can be “withheld.” What if someone asked how they can “get back” at their SO for not helping out extra? Would it be acceptable for people to suggest “No sex!”?
All right…let me have it (Uh…disagree with me…not oral…)
I agree that sex shouldn’t be used as a reward. It should be a natural part of a loving relationship. I don’t want my wife to feel she “owes” me sex because I did a good deed for her.
That would be like using pizza for a reward! The implication would be that I thought he enjoyed it’s hot gooey goodness more than I did. Wrong wrong wrong. Of course, if he really liked the Deluxe Taco Pizza while I prefered strictly pepperoni, if I thought he deserved a treat I might defer my taste to his that evening rather than insisting on a half-and-half.
Agreed. As in (and without reference to the OP of the other thread) “Could you have done that any time, or only when I’ve been extra-specially-good”? :dubious:
I was off for the day. I was laying in bed. Half my attention was watching TV, the other half watching my wife scurry around trying to get ready for work. She was running late.
As she finally grabbed her purse and was heading for the door, I jokingly whipped out my penis, waved it around a little and said: “Come on baby, take care of this before ya’ go.”
The furthest thing from my mind is that she would actually comply with my request. So I’m sure you can imagine my surprise when she did so with one of the hottest BJs I’ve ever had to this date!!
Her last words before heading out the door were: “You owe me one!!”
While I agree with the OP that sex should not be viewed as a commodity or reward in a healthy relationship, I still think there is room for sexual perks to be exchanged as a way of showing love or appreciation above and beyond one’s normal relationship sex life. I think the key difference is the mindset: there’s a world of difference between “you covering all the chores for me made me feel really happy and loved, thus inspiring me to do [whatever gross act husband likes]” versus “you put away the dishes? Good boy, now here’s your blow job.”
I don’t have a problem with either using it as a reward or withholding it for punishment. It’s really just an extension of affection, after all. It’s an organic, emotional response to want the person more or less sexually as a result of their behavior.
Certainly, I don’t like any implication that a partner is obligated to provide sex.
“Reward sex” is great when it’s given from the heart. It’s just an authentic show of affection. I don’t see how it’s any more questionable than showing appreciation by hugging someone.
If it’s given with love and affection and is in addition to a normal healthy sex life (which means simply one that both parties are happy with) then I don’t see it as a big deal and I really don’t see it as much different than cooking him his favorite meal.
Here is how I see it. Feel like showing appreciation? A nice cooked dinner, followed up by the person cooking also cleaning, followed up by a long session of oral can be done by either member of the relationship and doesn’t hurt to do randomly anyway, by both members. It makes one feel appreciated.
I don’t like using sex as a commodity in the relationship because it speaks to a power imbalance. One person is controlling the other when sex is a reward or punishment (or withholding sex is the reward or punishment).
Piling on to Giraffe’s point. It depends if it’s A) “You did something for me and now I’d like to do something for you” (which was what Olive was asking about and could just as well be replaced with a massage) and B) Behaving towards your spouse like it’s Pavlov’s dog.
It’s the same difference between giving someone a present/favor after they’ve given you one and a trade.
It’s all about intent, as Dio and Giraffe suggest. If he gets a BJ when he’s performed well and to my exacting standards, dammit, then I think that’s when the squick comes in. If my love and gratitude for him is so overwhelming and sincere I want to do something I know will make him happy that’s not usually on the ‘menu,’ well, then that’s love, not a Milk-Boner.
I agree with this, sort of, but in my version, it’s more of a perk for a special occasion, like an anniversary or if we’ve been apart for a while, and usually involved things like getting dressed up, or me doing all the ‘work’. I don’t do extra stuff just for chores. Chores need to be done anyhow!
