I don’t know how I feel about sex as a reward. I don’t think I have an objection to it as long as it’s offered and not demanded.
Seems to me that there’s a big difference between “I did the dishes, so you owe me a BJ!” and “Here’s a BJ! Thanks for doing the dishes!”
I guess I do know how I feel about it. Hooray for reward sex!
Well, that’s my relationship sexually with my wife. But what’s wrong with my relationship is more about my wife developing some weird hormonal issue whereby the very idea of having sex at all with anyone squicks her out pretty badly.
At least, that’s what she’s telling me!
I feel like people like Q.N. Jones are not listening to the meaning behind it and just going “Sex as a commodity? OH NOES!!11!!” I am not saying that to be snarky or pick on them but just to say, very little is as clear-cut as people think.
It isn’t just for washing the dishes, either. This year my mom died. My SO put up with my asshole family, which under the best of circumstances can be a hassle, and in this case was a misery for both of us, for two months, visiting every other weekend, driving me to PA without complaint, smiling and dealing with their pointed and direct comments about how he was not welcome there, not getting mad when the cousins pushed him away from my mother’s casket (After my aunt nudged him towards it!), supporting me, taking care of me when I cried, comforting me, and being the best partner a woman could ask for.
I could just expect all of that. I mean, he is my other half. He signed up for it, after all. But what is wrong with providing a little extra appreciation?
If sex isn’t a commodity, then millions of prostitutes are going to be awfully disappointed to learn that they’re out of work.
Yep, it happens, and it sucks all the way around. At least she’s not hit the point where the thought makes her throw up a little in the back of her throat. If it’s any consolation, it’s not any more fun for her than it is for you.
If my (fictional) lover is doing something for any reason other than simply wanting to do it, I’m squicked out. But, being fictional, she loves doing everything I like.
To me, if I enjoy it and want to do it, it’s not a “reward” that I’m giving. Sex isn’t something that I own that I’m giving out.
And if I don’t enjoy it and don’t want to do it, it’s gross. I’m not a vessel or a doll.
What if we turned the tables?
Ladies: What if your guy doesn’t particularly enjoy giving oral sex and may be a bit squicked by it. So, it isn’t part of your normal repertoire. Then, one day, you do something nice for him and he says he wants to reward you by going down on you.
Would you accept it/enjoy it?
ETA: As a guy, I find the situation mentioned in the OP weird and would not enjoy such a “reward”.
Man, I have had sex when I didn’t want to plenty of times. I bet he would do it for me if I could catch his ass on a day when he didn’t want to have sex.
And sex or bjs a reward works, too. If we make a bet, and we put a bj on the line, or if I swap him a bj for a favor, why not. All in fun. Hasn’t seemed to take away from our ‘regular’ sex life.
ETA: Polerius, if he were squicked by it, it would be a no-go, cause that would turn me off. But there have been times when I was too exhausted or in a specific situation, in pain for sex, where he has offered to go down with no expectation of sex afterward. Sweet. Makes an awesome reward.
It’s good that most of us aren’t married to prostitutes then (i.e. not married to women who view sex as a commodity)
No. The very thought repulses me. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate. Bleh.
OK. To each his own. But FTR I don’t think of myself as a vessel or a doll either, or that I “own” sex, but just being a little extra nice.
It’s no different to me than cooking a really wonderful meal, special.
But it is different: You are doing the cooking (the work) and he is doing the eating (the pleasurable part)
During “reward sex” you are both having sex, which ideally, should be pleasurable to both of you. How is that a reward?
It’s like there is a good movie coming out that you both like, and as a “reward” for him being nice, you propose to go see the movie together. How is that a reward?
Er, no. If my guy is squicked out by giving oral, then he’s not going to be my guy for very long. My oral sex policy is: you do me, I do you. Or, I do you, then you do me. Fair is fair. I’m all for it being part of the regular repertoire and not as a special treat. I’d rather keep him happy all the time than just make him happy sometimes.
Change this to “anal sex” and we have a debate. My anal sex policy is: You stick anything into my ass, I reserve the right to snap it the fuck off. I don’t think I would even offer up anal even if I wanted to reward. I’d probably offer a non-sexual reward, like I’ll do your chores tonight honey and then I’ll make dinner. Here’s a beer. When I wait on you hand and foot, you’re being rewarded 'cause that shit does not come with the standard package. 
I think I might have been reading too much into the replies from the other thread…but…
The replies here have shown me that most people see a difference between keeping a running tally (ick) and thinking, “Hey, that was awesome; I’m going to turn the amp up to 11.”
As for the pizza analogy…are we talking about the same thing? 
I am not eating the cooking that I am making? Of course I am! And I am enjoying the sex we are having, and the movie we are watching. It is simply something in addition to a normal sex life.
I am trying to keep it somewhat general and not get into specifics, but let’s say, a dress-up session. Extended foreplay. I do all the work. You know, something a little extra, something that we may not have time for in our every day busy lives.
Doesn’t mean our sex life isn’t healthy to start with. Actually, this can really only work well if one’s sex life is healthy already. Then it’s just the whipped cream on top! If one’s sex life is only dependent on rewards, then that’s no good.
Speaking of which, food play also counts. Not something one does normally at all, because of the mess factor.
Going home now so I won’t be answering anymore tonight. (Probably).
I think maybe relationships feel different from the inside than they look from the outside.
If one partner does something particularly nice to the other, it is natural to feel a special level of affection. Affection can be expressed in a number of ways. I don’t see much difference between “Thanks for doing all the yardwork - I made chili while you were out there” vs. “You need a shower after doing all the yardwork - care to join me?” IYSWIM.
Regards,
Shodan
We do reward sex. It’s just for fun, being silly. That’s all. We do reward massages and reward ice cream sundaes too. It’s okay, really. Most of our daily life is planned out, scheduled and structured. We don’t have sex every day, only just maybe on the weekend. I don’t care for morning sex and Mig knows it, so every once in a while, if things are going well and we hit just the right time where the baby isn’t awake and we don’t have to get up and going too early, I will surprise him with morning sex. It IS a reward for him, a gift showing my appreciation but I end up enjoying it just like I’d enjoy giving him a sundae or a super-duper happy ending massage. I just hate motivating myself into action that early so it doesn’t happen that often. It’s just one of those things that keeps it interesting. But maybe it doesn’t work for everyone, I don’t know. Maybe it works for us because we don’t OVERTHINK IT.
Oh well. We deserve each other; horrible people really. 
My wife and I are currently working our way through back episodes of two TV series: Dexter and Glee. It’s safe to say we both enjoy both shows a lot. Either one of us would watch either show all the way through in a vacuum. But for a variety of reasons (OK, just Dianna Agron), I somewhat prefer Glee and she somewhat prefers Dexter.
Normally, in the interest of fairness, we alternate episodes. One Glee, then one Dexter, then one Glee, and so on. Every once in a while, though, she might do something especially Herculean around the house or what have you that I appreciate very much. One (minor) way of showing that appreciation might be to watch four straight episodes of Dexter and skip Glee for that night. I still very much enjoy watching Dexter, albeit fractionally less than I would enjoy Glee.
Does this squick anyone out?
Yeah. I believe her. We used to be really sexually active together (yes, even after we were married!) and somehow the urges for her just dried up and she just can’t seem to stand the thought of the act anymore.
What’s almost worse is on the rare occasions that she does “reward” me, there’s so much guilt: she feels guilty because she’s been “withholding” sex for so long, and I feel guilty because I know she’s just doing it to please me and not because she wants to. Its become a “hurry up and get it over with” affair for me.
She must get some hormonal spike around menstruation time because the times we do have intercourse its always right before her period.
So yeah, I feel like we have a much older marriage than we really do sexually, now that at the age of 40 (and she’s only 34) we’ve joined the “once a month” club.