You can’t make this stuff up. Hasbro and Universal have signed a deal to make movies based on some of their classic toys and games. The press release states some of the franchises Hasbro hopes to make into movies, and that they plan to make one movie a year starting in 2010. Rumor has it that Ridley Scott is attached to direct Monopoly.
Movies out of Hasbro franchises are nothing new, of course: last year we had Transformers, and a 1980s comedy based on Clue recreated the mysterious aspect of the game by having three endings which were randomly attached to different prints. But I’m not exactly sure if this is a good idea or not.
They could make Risk into a six hour saga where the winner is pretty much known within the first hour. Asia would of course be a complete wasteland at the end.
I’m vaguely astonished they hadn’t made a **Magic: The Gathering ** movie already. Now it’d probably be wiser to shelve the product for another decade, to better capitalize on the 1990s-revival trend.
I wouldn’t object to the notion of a Stretch Armstrong feature film. Just so long as it’s the original beefy pro wrestler-looking version, instead of that reissued version from a few years back with the cartoony features and horribly creepy grin. I worry that Hollywood might not treat the premise of a stretchable, semi-nude vigilante crimefighter with the gravity it deserves.
There is so much hidden depth to be plumbed in the Stretch Armstrong concept. Who is better suited to combat the menace of Stretch Monster? What is the secret history that links these two dark, iconic figures?
Come to think of it… Hasbro also owns the Transformers and G. I. Joe… and Marvel Comics produced the Transformers and G. I. Joe comics. And what other green 1970’s-era stretchable figure was often seen battling Stretch Armstrong along with Stretch Monster? Of course, it was Stretch Hulk! That’s right: in the 1970s, the Hulk could stretch and wasn’t ashamed to do it. Indeed, Stretch Monster himself suspiciously resembled the Hulk’s longtime antagonist the Abomination. A pattern forms. These are dark, occult waters.
And who could Stretch Armstrong rely on for aid in such times of crisis? Yes! None other than Stretch Superman and Stretch Batman! Did you know that Batman had stretching powers in the 1970s? EVERYONE DID. There is massive potential here for multiple film franchise crossovers.
Then there was that terrible moment of crisis, the point of no return; when the elastic force was pulled too far, and the consequent hideous mortal rupture of strange mucus: the horror… the horror. Or the slow death, the fatal puncture, the wound to Achilles’ heel resulting in terminal oozy bleedout. Louis Boyle stabbed my Stretch Spider-Man in the groin with a pencil, and it took poor Spidey days to die. Dad tried to patch him with a tire kit, but you just can’t send Spider-Man into battle with a huge black lump on his groin. That just isn’t right. Stretch Armstrong and his ilk taught a grim truth: the flesh fails, and even our heroes are mortal.
Strangely they never got around to releasing a Stretch Barbie or anything like that. I kept waiting for them to produce a girlfriend for Stretch Armstrong. It was the obvious next logical step, but no luck. In the end I was forced to improvise. Boy did I ever get in trouble.
You know what would be really cool, an interactive Magic: The Gathering Movie straight to DVD that allows you to accumulate mana and make “card plays” against the different scenes with an interactive DVD menu. Each play would lead to a different and unique movie scene, story, plot, and outcome.
Also, don’t forget that Pirates of the Caribbean was [very loosely] based on a Dinsey ride. We ended up with a darn popular trilogy of movies. I don’t see a Monopoly movie gaining anywhere near as much fanfare, but this Hasbro toy movie business is not all that implausible.
My vote would be for a Stratego movie. I could see that working.
I could see Monopoly working as a turn-of-the-century rags-to-riches sort of story, a picaresque with Uncle Moneybags as a lovable rogue and relentless robber baron, kind of a cross between Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood and Scrooge McDuck.
Either that or a Guy Ritchie black comedy/crime caper about crooked real estate dealing that introduces the various players at the beginning, complete with captions: “The Iron,” “The Shoe,” “The Dog,” “The Car,” and so forth – as long as Jason Statham and Vinnie Jones were in there somewhere.