When my Mom was fading I went to see her a day or two before she passed. As I was speaking to her she opened her eyes and responded calling me by name. She said she couldn’t see me but she could hear me fine. I thought of the stories of the silver thread that connects our spirits to our bodies.
My Dad was weak from pneumonia to the point where he could no longer speak to us or respond in any way. I stood beside his bed touching him and told him we loved him but we knew he had to go. We wanted him to be at peace and though we would miss him but we would be alright. Then he was gone.
My dad, almost 4 years ago, died of congestive heart failure at 74. I flew out to visit him for what I knew would be the last time. He was mostly out of it from morphine, etc., but in a moment of lucidity, he shook my hand and said “Goodbye, I love you.” I said “I love you, too, Dad”. He died a few days later.
We said goodbye a couple of days before my husband’s relative died, and told her we loved her. (She faded fairly fast, at the time her breathing was already labored even with a machine, and she was asleep most of the time. She roused a bit, enough to squeeze our hands and look at us when we told her.) We knew that at the time of her actual death she would no longer be able to take in anything, because the tumor was rotting away her mind, and that eventually her heart and breathing would stop because of it. It was important to us to say these things to her while she could still understand them, and I’m glad we did. Tell them you love them, and also however you want to say it, but tell them farewell. Let them know you will remember them with love, and tell them how they made your life better, tell them how they shaped you. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
I’ve never experienced death, which will make me very unprepared for it when it happens to a family member.
I have a small family.
One thing I do think, is that you shouldn’t fight over whether or not you should go to the session. I think that in situations like this, whatever feels right to you at the time, will always be right. These kind of situations aren’t tests to see what kind of person you are. Perhaps, you could visit her a day before it happens and say goodbye on your own, but without having to witness that finality.
I’m sorry for what’s happened, Kalhoun. I am medical power of attorney for my parents should they both be incapacitated. We have discussed what they want and I know I will do my best to carry that out. To have a doc thwart this kind of thing because he gets there too late to hear her say it clearly is the kind of nightmare I am dreading. What’s the point of a medical POA if the wishes are not abided by?
I’m so sorry your grief and frustration has to be compounded by this.
My understanding is that her medical POA can make decisions if she no longer can. The problem is, they think they can remove the drug-induced fog for a few minutes and count anything she communicates as “an informed decision.” It’s simply not possible to do that after being on heavy morphine for 6 weeks.
Thanks for your kind thoughts. I’m also medical POA for my dad. We talk about his wishes all the time so there will be no question what he wants. It’s in writing, it’s been recounted to many people, and I will do my best to defend his right to die when he no longer has quality of life. Watching this nightmare unfold just reinforces my feelings on euthanasia, right to die, and the importance of having a living will. Me and Mr. K are going to review ours and update them as necessary.