As a dude, I think a lot of us have experienced the “bar ass grab”, “sloppy drunk kiss” / “Attempted sloppy drunk kiss”. But to be honest, I have a hard time equating it to “sexual assault” on any level close to what some people are describing here.
That is the way I look at it too. I had (much older) female coworkers grab my ass and even my crotch when I was as young as 16. I also had a gay male boss in my college job that engaged in blatant sexual harassment (my “interview” consisted of walking around a ball room and twirling). I got the job but I had to call him “Uncle Brian” from then on. He also had some very notable gay friends including the highest paid newscaster in New Orleans and some famous musicians. They all hit on me blatantly and deliberately. The only time I got truly mad about it was when I got slammed into a wall for brushing off their advances. The newscaster, who I once considered a friend, got busted a few years later for sleeping with underage boys and went to prison for it. He tried to do the same thing to me but I just brushed it off just like the Army Colonel and lots of others.
I don’t want this to come across the wrong way but I still answered the poll as a “No” because I never felt threatened or violated in any unusual way. I kind of liked female coworkers flirting with me when I was 16. I also liked hanging out with wealthy gay men that gave me a very high paying and cushy college job and then took me out to expensive places afterwards and paid for everything. If that makes me a virtual whore, so be it. I didn’t get any damage from it and lots of benefits. I didn’t sleep with any of them. I think they mainly just enjoyed trying and having a straight cover.
I recognize that people have different sensitivity levels to sexual harassment but some of the zero tolerance ideas get to be a little over the top. Being hit on is not sexual assault. It would be fairly easy to turn every romantic comedy into a horror/stalker film if you just changed the perceptions of the main characters. There is no clear line - only emotional reactions and responses.
Thank you for this.
Non-consensual sexual touching is considered sexual assault in some jurisdictions. Where there might be wiggle room in a defense is what’s considered sexual by a reasonable person (presumably of the community).
For several years, my dad would graze the sides of my breasts when I gave him a kiss goodnight or good morning if he was sitting down (which he usually was when he asked me to do that). As I got older I realized what he was doing and that it was deliberate, so I started asking him to stand up to do so. This gave me the chance to lean away faster or get my arms back to my sides before he could get his hands in position. To the end of his life this year I dressed in baggy clothes around him to keep his grazing and smacks at bay.
Oh, the one time I mentioned to my mom what I thought he was doing and why, she said he was probably checking to make sure I had my scoliosis brace on under my clothes - the brace whose metal neck frame jutted out of my clothes to rest under my chin. :dubious:
Assault has ranged from damaging my shirt so everyone can see my “tits”, to being grabbed forcibly and held against a man who rubbed his erection against me. There have been tit grabs and ass grabs, attempts to hold me against my will that would have led to who knows what, attempted rape, and it goes on.
I don’t agree with Ulfreida that men can’t be assaulted unless they are physically restrained. If folks are grabbing your crotch or your ass without your consent, it counts. I think a key difference is that men feel less helpless when it happens (which is perhaps her point), and that they don’t expect it to happen. By and large, I believe that women expect that men are dangerous and that some of them will hurt you, given the right opportunity. It gives you a different perception of the world.
Yikes
Not what I meant at all.
Even as a woman, (speaking for myself - not all women), I would not consider my experience with this sort of unasked for sexual contact “assault”. I don’t know what the right word is, but I have a hard time equating a drunk at the office party trying to cop a feel, with someone held forcefully and groped or worse. Maybe I have been sexually accosted? That might better describe it. I just don’t feel like I can equate my experience to the much worse experiences of others by using the same word to describe it.
Probably not but you know me personally. That isn’t the type of thing I think about even ten minutes later but people differ.
My oldest daughter is a young woman now and tries to explain why she is fearful about just about everything, especially being raped and I listen to her concerns. She is the female version of me in all ways except she is terrified of being assaulted. She is very pretty and it certainly could happen but I can’t understand the preoccupation with that type of mindset. It is a weird kind of paranoia that anyone, male or female, just has to deal with and learn to prevent it. Maybe that is the real meaning of “white male privilege”. I would just lay somebody out if they tried anything weird and have them put in prison for as long as possible but she isn’t strong enough to do that.
I don’t want to blame any potential victims but I don’t understand why so many of them don’t resist or fight back. Forcible rape is very rare in my area. Most cases of sexual assault are casual. The victims generally won’t try to continue if the target tries to resist. That is the reason I was never truly abused. I resisted in the nicest way possible and they backed off. It was more of a psychological game that I knew how to win. Other people may have different experiences.
Despite my user name, I am very sexually conservative. I don’t understand what people are doing behind closed doors. I go out with lots of people but it takes me at least two dates to get to a first kiss and I don’t do hookups. You have to protect yourself. I know people get intimidated by wealthy and powerful people but it is ridiculous to literally get fucked just because you meet one. It is a pretty easy problem to prevent on an individual level.
I’ve only been groped in a sexual, nonconsensual way once. I was 12. I was with my parents and my sister at the park, and we just happened to walk through a throng of guys. One of the guys grabbed my ass to his friends’ triumphant cheers. My father let out an expletive and hurried us out of there fast.
None of us said a word about it. No one asked how I felt about the whole thing. So I just assumed it wasn’t a big deal.
Harassment?
I have been harassed countless times starting even before puberty. I was told by at least one doper that I was a man-hater when I brought it up in a thread. I thank the universe that it never escalated pass harrassment, not as many men as I hope take it seriously.
Every woman I know and have had this conversation with has admitted to at least having been harrassed, most have been groped one or more times.
This conversation was the second hardest one I ever had with my tween. 
Not assaulted, but I was sexually and professionally harassed by a woman boss. I reported her to the appropriate people and was brushed off.
At around age 6 or 7, I was fondled by the father of a neighbor friend. He grabbed me up, sat me in his lap and began touching my genitals through clothing. I squirmed off his lap and immediately went home. Told my parents and the response was to stay away from that guy. This was more than 50 years ago, so… times were different.
At age 12, I was invited to go on a “ride along” with the cop who lived across the street. He and his partner picked me up in their prowl car early one evening with my parents’ blessing. The neighbor cop spent the entire evening trying to get me alone with him and playing grab ass. He was very aggressive. My response was to stay close to the guy’s partner, who seemed to understand what was going on and ran interference for me. Again told my parents and their advice was the same: Stay away from that guy. As if they needed to tell me.
When I was 16, I took a job as an office person for a small automotive shop. The boss regularly chased me around the desk and basically gave me a “put up or shut up” ultimatum. I quit. A couple years later, a battery blew up in his face and he was badly scarred. Sometimes karma works out.
Simultaneous to that job, I worked part time as a phone solicitor. I lived on my own with a roommate at 16 and funds were very tight – else I’d have never taken such a miserable job. That boss never stopped pestering me to go out for drinks and touching me inappropriately whenever he caught me on my own somewhere, usually heading back from the loo. I quickly learned to curb liquids intake so as to not need a bathroom break during my shift. Was not sad when the whole office picked up and stole away in the middle of the night, leaving us all unemployed.
Too many men to count grabbed places with no encouragement or invitation during years when I bartended as an evening job. I turned down job offers to cocktail waitress even though tips were better, because I would have been too exposed and arms always occupied with a tray filled with drinks.
Was date raped once at age 19. Once was enough to learn me.
Was once nearly raped at age 24 in my own home in the middle of the night by a fellow who was a friend of an ex-roommate’s boyfriend who dropped by on the pretext of looking for his buddy. I had met him once and had barely acknowledged him. I think only my fury at this man’s behavior saved me that night. He grabbed my arm hard and I went ballistic. He let go and backed out of the doorway. Left fingerprint bruises and I felt fortunate to get away with just that.
At age 44, I was sexually harassed by the court executive officer of the court employees in the county where I worked. I wasn’t special. This guy harassed every female employee in his employ (about 80 women). It was ugly and bad. I alerted my judge to the behavior… he instigated an investigation by the Judicial Council. Their report was forceful in its recommendation to our 12 judges that they should fire the guy. Their vote was split 6-6 and nothing happened. I quit. Later learned the guy left because he got testicular cancer. Like I said… karma happens sometimes.
These are the incidents I can recall off the top of my head. I’m sure if I gave it a good think, I’d recall others. I’m not bitter and I just let this stuff roll off my back. But this shit is common in our society. Lots of women I know have suffered far worse incidents than me.
I don’t think I like the way you worded the question; I marked “Yes” but the question I answered in my mind was “Has anyone TRIED to sexually assault you?” When I was 15 or 16 I wanted extra money and got a job cleaning up after a school dance. The guy I reported to (wasn’t a janitor, but he worked for the school occasionally doing maintenance/janitorial type work) was going to pay me more if he could spank me. I politely declined.
I’d say that counts.
That’s not classified as “sexual assault in degree of tentative” under the Spanish Criminal Code, I don’t know about Georgia Law… if consensual and unpaid it’s SM, if paid it’s prostitution; it would be attempted assault if he’d tried to spank you without asking, but asking makes it solicitation. Solicitation and assault are different crimes.
Yes.
And there’s no reason to act like being a man is somehow immunity from being assaulted. The idea that it is immunity is a deeply sexist one.
I’m male and I was assaulted one time when I was 15. I was swimming with some friends, but the walk from the lake to town was about 3 km. Around came a guy about 50 on a scooter who told us: “I can take you to the station on my bike, one by one.” Foolish naive 15 year old me consented, but after about a one km ride, he reached back and began to fondle my genitals. I immediately punched his arm, told him to stop, which he did, and got off the scooter.
As I got to the station by foot, I met two of my mates already waiting who had made the same experience. We never talked about it later, I didn’t talk to anyone at the time, maybe this post is the first time I ever talked about it, but I very much thought about telling my parents about it and press charges at the police, because I was aware that he did it to many people with that ruse, but in the end I was too ashamed. Wasn’t life shattering, but shocking and disturbing.
And that’s the thing. I didn’t tell anyone either, because of the shame. And also it wasn’t life shattering.
It was just… weird, and embarrassing.
It doesn’t have to be life-shattering, few women I know who me-tooed are shattered. This doesn’t diminish what happened to you, or them. I am glad it didn’t leave you scarred, not everyone can say the same thing.
I was alone in my office when a serial rapist broke into the building and raped me at gunpoint.
He’s in prison for life.
Thank you, Mighty_Girl. No, fortunately it didn’t leave scars, but I was surprised how the memory of this incident agitated me and made me angry yesterday when I posted my story. I hadn’t thought about it in a long time, but now I’ve got the urge to go back in time and get the police involved like I should’ve done then.