Did you come back from it? What did you do? How did it happen? How do you keep from becoming hysterical?
Long story short, we took a gamble, started our own business, and lost our ass. My house has been foreclosed on, they took my car a while ago, all of our credit is dust. I haven’t got a clear thought in my head. How did you do it?
Boy, this is going to sound like lame-o advice. But I own my own business and I’m only a couple of bad months away from where you are right now. The only thing that I can say is that lately I’ve been noticing that whatever I need seems to head my way just when I need it most. I mean, it doesn’t stop me from worrying, losing sleep, overeating, etc. but I’ve been finding that everything seems to turn out ok. So, perhaps you’ll find out that being without the house and car, etc., etc. might bring you round to the best turn in your life that you never expected. A friend of mine’s mother just lost her house and he said that she was much happier now not having the constant anxiety. Also, I’ve always worried that if I wasn’t self-employed that I didn’t know what else I would want to do and just last week I finally figured out my back-up career… All because of a random piece of mail that I received. It’s all I have to offer, except to say, hang in there and always know that you can turn to the Dope for moral support.
{{{Faruiza}}}
Not quite in the way you’re referring to, but sort of - moved to a new city 1,000 miles from home, knew no one, had no job lined up, threw all my possessions in a small storage unit, and checked in to a hotel. My savings ran out about the same time I got a temporary position, so I was living hand-to-mouth and couldn’t get anyone to rent to me because of the temp job and poor credit due to recent bankruptcy. I ended up staying at the local youth hostel for a few weeks; a roommate-finding service helped in finding someone who would take a chance on me, and thanks to efficient bus service (did I mention I had no car?), I managed to keep the job and turn it into a permanent position. Although it was a situation of my own making, it sucked and there was more than one time I thought I wouldn’t make it. The key for me was to stop thinking about all the problems and things I didn’t have, and focus on what I could do - find/keep a job, keep myself fed, and keep a roof over my head, even if it was a crappy hotel or a youth hostel with 15 other people in adjacent bunks. In the long run, everything turned out okay; just hang in there, it really will get better.
I’m terribly sorry to hear about this.
(I only got involved in a business once and we made it a limited company, so we knew what we were risking.)
Do you still have a job?
That’s about the only thing I still had by the end of 2002. Even my marriage was irreparably screwed up. Just kept waking up in the mornings and going to work, paying the bills with the money I made, rinse repeat.
It was, in a horrible way, very liberating. Opportunites appeared to have been taken away, but life became considerably simpler again. Got back to basics–buy food, pay the rent, pay the utilities, become accustomed to the means available and plan accordingly.
Not fun while it was happening though. But embrace the future beause your financial past is rapidly becoming irrelevant.
Not quite everything, but I had no home, two suitcases of clothes and the contents of a storage unit filled with such survival-conducive items as my Betamax VCR. I spent a couple of months living in my car until the motor fused into a solid block of metal (“check oil” light came on when the 4-quart engine was three quarts down) then spent the next four month of my days hanging out in the library with the rest of the bums and sneaking into a building at night for which I had an illegal key. Did something that I am not in any way proud of to get enough money to rent a room in a house, found a job once I had a permanent address and slowly got back on my feet.
Hope that helps.
Thank you for the chins up and stories. I’m still not really thinking clearly. I am reading, though in case there are any more stories forthcoming… and they are appreciated. I cannot get my head out of the space where it’s screaming, “This is MY place to be in the world! They can’t take that from me! That’s MY FUCKING GARDEN! This is the place where MY cats are safe and MY dogs like to live! How will I move this? WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD GIVE ME A PLACE TO PUT IT?!” There’s a lot of crying, too. You betcha.
How do you go from that to, “Meh. It’s just stuff. Who cares?” I’ve heard people say that before, but mostly, it isn’t people who have lost what’s left of their foundation in life.
Pfff. There go the waterworks again. Real productive. :rolleyes:
Otto, that’s terrifying. Really, really, terrifying.
I’ve started from total scratch only once, but that was back when I was single and didn’t have much. It would definitely suck to have to do it after you’ve gotten “established” - I’ve *kind of * started over twice since, but not from zero like that.
I was living in LA and went home for a visit. While I was gone the boyfriend did something stupid and got kicked out of the apartment. All of my stuff was sold or thrown away. I stayed with my parents and got a job at Wendy’s; bought a car from a friend for $1 and rebuilt my life.
Fast-forward to my first divorce. I graduated Uni and moved here to Jackson with my two kids (3 yrs old and 6 months old) and some odds-n-ends furniture. This time I had a $300 car. 
I had accepted a job (at least I had that) and basically I worked my way up from the trailer park to suburbia.
Second divorce: we had a lot of fancy-schmancy stuff (furniture, dishes, electronics, vehicles) but I walked out on all that. Took my Civic and my kids’ bedroom furniture and their things. Cashed $10 grand from my 401-k and bought a house.
The only advice I can give you is to keep on keepin’ on - just put one foot in front of the other. Keep on loving each other. Go ahead and cry, scream - acknowledge your anger. Then pick up the pieces.
Many times the energy of crisis gives us the momentum to change things for the better. Good luck!
I lost it all. I am a recovering alkie. Before I got sober I ran my life down to nothing. I lost a great job and ended up going jobless for a couple years. I alienated all my friends and most of my family. I wrecked or lost a couple cars along the way. I ended up homeless and jobless yet somehow still drunk.
Then I got sober. That was a little over four years ago.
I got a car 4 months after I got sober. I bought a new house this last January. I have a girlfriend I live with and love very much. I have good relationships with everyone in my family. I made amends to my friends (where possible) and repaired most of those relationships.
I’ve got a good job, a good life. I’ve been to St Thomas twice in the past two years. I have guitars, my cats, a nice car. Things are good.
In the months before I got sober I thought that there was no way for me to have a decent life again. I was suicidal, but luckily for me, I couldn’t think of a painless way out.
Of course, all my problems were totally my fault. But I made it. back I see others all the time who made it back.
I made it back by listening to those who had come before me and made it back. I did what they said. Of course, I doubt you have the same set of problems that I did.
Slee
Not precisely like your case, but back in '81, I was out of work. My wife left me for another guy and I ended up in a flea-infested attic room. Other than unemployment, the only money coming in was a part time job for a nonprofit.
On the plus side, I met my wife that year, sold my first short story, and started on my novel (which eventually got published), but they were only blips in a horrible year.
Eventually, I got a job and continued to write. Slowly things fell into place after that.
raises hand
I’m that rare woman who lost almost everything through divorce. edited to add I lost any share in the house, his pension, EVERYTHING* Thanks to my ex-huband’s failed business, we had a bankruptcy and a federal tax lien. I’d stayed at home with the kids (at the ex’s strong desire) so I didn’t have work history. I’d gotten about half way through a degree once the kids hit elementary school, but wasn’t anywhere close to graduating.
When we separated, I had my old Honda Civic, a dinky loveseat , an old futon, my clothes and a TV I’d won. I lost everything else that had been mine, and as you said, I felt completely surreal when I would visit my children in MY house. I lost things that were never my ex-husband’s, but mine.
I was able to rent an apartment in a pretty bad section of town, and I had a job at a call center for a telecom. When I moved into that apartment, it took one small pick up truck to move me, and the only reason I needed that was because the loveseat and futon wouldn’t fit in my Civic.
Within eight years, I rebuilt my life. I’m sure that amount of time is daunting but as others have posted upthread, that kind of hole takes work to get out of. First I had to accept my new reality. That meant I always packed my lunch, I didn’t charge anything, and I worked on the debts that were mine from the divorce. Oh and I stayed in the bad section of town because that was what I could afford.
I went to school part time while working full time and finished my BA. Then I went to grad school, same story, and graduated last fall. Now it takes a moving truck to move my belongings.
One very good benefit from all of that is that right now I’m not fully employed. While it scares the crap out of me, I also know quite well how to budget and save and eliminate things we usually think we must have. So I’m prepared should this drought continue for a while. And I know what counts, which isn’t stuff.
From the other side of the chasm, I will tell you that you will make it through–although not unchanged. But you will make it through.
Sorry to hear your news Faruiza. I have nothing to help, but am sending supporting thoughts your way.
Well, I’ve never owned a house to lose but…
Back in '92-'93 had my own small business that I eventually took through 2 bankrupticies. My first wife left me, basically because we were poor. The business stayed open, for much longer than it should have, but I was struggling to tread water. Finally I closed it and sold off the equipment at a huge loss and I moved to NYC to start over.
Found wife number 2 and found a good job. Still had huge debts to pay from that, (still do now) Things got better but 3 years ago wife number 2 left me, (just fell out of love with me, I strongly suspect it was that I was still paying off debt, but at a slower rate because she wasn’t working) and then about a year ago I was laid off and I still have not found anything better than temp work. Now my ‘savings’ are gone and basically back to where I was 12 years ago, except that I am 12 years older.
How do I get through it I’m not really sure. I did contemplate suicide, but, really that’s not going to happen. I just keep on keeping on.
Yeah, in the late 60’s. We had two kids, I was pregnant with the third. My husband lost his job (plant closed) and we were being evicted (from a rental that was formerly a garage). My mom sent us $100 and we packed the kids and some clothes in the car and left for Seattle. We lived with mom for a few months (in a one-bedroom house) and then in a housing project (Holly Park) for three years.
We didn’t lose a lot of material stuff – what hurt the most was leaving friends and relatives, the people we grew up with. But we were young and (for me anyway), it was an adventure, a new beginning, lots of possibilities.
I hope things work out for you. It’s true though, stuff is just stuff – it can be replaced. If you’re offered help from family and friends, accept it.
Gosh, Faruiza, I’m so sorry.
I haven’t been through the same mourning process you’re experiencing. It sounds really sad. Lots to grieve.
We’ve been down to our last dime on the same day the job offer FINALLY came. I don’t think that’s quite the same, though.
However, I have been in the “this is absolutely more than I can handle” spot a couple of times for various reasons.
What I learned from that is waking up in the morning to say “I’m still here” and at the end of the day, to say it again.
That was it, that was what I had; that’s really all that most of us truly own anyway.
Eventually a lot of really good stuff came out of it for me - a new sense of priorities, and opportunities came up, and I released of a LOT of unnecessary expectations, which was the most powerful part of all. Eventually I wound up better off than I was to begin with.
I wish you well.
I have - twice. I wish there was some magic advice I could give you, but the reality is you will have to get back to where you were the same you got there originally, work. Hopefully you learned a few things to make this this time around smoother and quicker.
I went through that same ‘not thinking straight’ phase both times. Time will ease that and you will re-focus your drive. Additionally, I actually experienced some self growth in the process. I wish you all the good fortune.
Yes. Husband was an alcoholic, frittered away food money, rent money, kids’ daycare money…everything, essentially. Got evicted. Got the car repossessed. Packed up kids and self, found a place I could barely afford and put the kids with a reliable babysitter who was cheaper (but not by much) than the wonderful daycare they’d previously been attending. With help, got the car out of hock & stayed on top of the payments, as that was the only way to get to work. Ate peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and breakfast for dinner for months. Attempted to square the debt, but eventually was forced into bankruptcy because I could barely manage the interest, much less the principal.
There were nights I certainly got hysterical from the fear, and there were times when my family helped out enormously (watching the kids, food, a little money here and there when they could). I hung on by reminding myself I had two small people who were counting on me. Slogged and took extra shifts on the side when I could, slowly rebuilt my credit. Bought the house I’d been renting directly from the owner using my VA loan. Pinched every penny 'til Abe Lincoln screamed. Suffered a couple setbacks and worked my way back from those.
Am currently in decent shape; not as good as I would have been had that whole mess not gone down, but still…have some luxuries and rebuilt credit.
You’ll get there. I won’t lie; it’s hard. It hurts. It’s scary as hell. And sometimes you need to let yourself lose it a little bit, just to get it out of your system. Hang in there. As long as you have something valuable to offer, there’s work to be found. I know that sounds trite, but it’s true. Companies are always willing to hire people with skills who want to work, and are willing to work hard.
Stay away from booze & drugs.
When I was younger and without much in the way of support or prospects I joined the military. Best & greatest thing I ever did, and I made life-long friends who can be relied upon to make sure I’m never homeless.
Join a church. Yeah, don’t give me crap about it if you’re an avowed atheist. In my experience most Catholics & Jews are in day-to-day practice more about forming a community of people who aren’t dicks, rather than prostrating themselves before God and judging people. Obviously, the whacko religious conservatives get the news, but they ain’t most God-believers.
{{{Faruiza}}}
We’re in the process of losing everything. How are we going to get through? I don’t know. By the grace of something, we’ve got family who wants to and can help us. We’ve lived our lives the last few years putting out fires but not really being smart about planning for the future. By now, we’ve lost long-time jobs, stable income, and have run out of the last of the emergency never-take-it-unless-you’re-going-to-be-homeless source of income. How we make it through this is still up in the air, really.
Having spent the last few months contemplating suicide or running away from everything on a daily basis, realizing that neither of these is a solution, and not wanting to give up because I know I’m capable of more than this, I can only say that perseverance and appreciating what little you do have – be it family, health, or whatever – is what makes you keep getting out of bed in the morning and doing what you can for a better tomorrow. Just take it day by day and don’t be embarrassed to take whatever help gets you in a better situation. You’re not alone.
I have no other practical advice because I’m still trying to figure all this out myself, but I do wish you relief from the struggle you’re going through.
Well, I didn’t lose everything, I know where it all is, but I did leave everything behind when I left Cuba. I literally walked away from my hotel room in Toronto with just the clothes on my back and the shoes on my feet. I didn’t even speak the language, so I left that behind too. It helped me that my skillset (IT), did not really require me to be fluent in English, and was very marketable. It also helped that a number of people whom I didn’t know went out of their way to help me.
However, at the time it WAS scary. I would wake up in the middle of the night and would literally break into a sweat wondering if I could make it in Canada, or if I’d end up living in a shelter. But time passed, and now that I am on the other side I do not want to imagine my life if I had not taken that step.