The cesspool that is my life.

The BBQ Pit
1

As you may or may not know, my wife moved out in October. She left me with the house payment, land payment, two pets, all the bills that weren’t paid off by my previous student loans, the crappy, unregistered car, etc. She helped for a few months with those bills we shared, like the house and land, but stopped when she quit the wonderful job she moved out of state for. Since then I have fallen behind on the land payment, and am now threatened with foreclosure. The house and land are in her name, but it’s my credit, too, and the place where I have lived for the last 5.5 years.
Yes, I work–seven days a week. In another town that requires a round trip of 90 miles a day. I’m on antidepressants that don’t work, and my car died this morning. So, no way to get to work=no job=no house=no pets (I will have to give them away)=no school (can’t get to class). I realize that all this is temporary, but I don’t want to start completely over at the age of 48. I’m too old for this shit.

Is there a revolver in the house?

2

Things will get better. It’s a good thing there isn’t a revolver in the house. Try to hang in there my brother.

3

Please no.

I hope that merely by you putting this on the screen, it relieves some of your tension. And I hope that kind words from your fellow Dopers will help just a little, too.

I can’t know what you’re going through. But you have my thoughts.

4

No, they won’t. What will happen is that the tidal wave of crap will wash me up on some beach of life* somewhere with nothing but the shirt on my back, and I will get to start all over again. If I don’t drown first.

Thanks for the kind words, though.

*Life is a beach, isn’t it? Or something like that.

5

I know what you are going through really- you should visit the comfort thread in MSPIMS- iit does get better, it has to

6

I’ve been there, friend, and it took me two years to be glad there was no revolver in the house, but there wasn’t, and eventually I was glad. I was also nine years younger than you, and convinced that I was too old to start my life over. It’s just a state of mind–a pernicious state of mind, but that’s all it is. It just takes time to see that. Trust me on this.

7

I know you’re feeling trapped, and I sympathize. But you do have a couple of assets – the house and land. Is there anyway to make some money off them?

For example, around here you can get $200/wk for the rental of a bedroom with ‘run of the house’ type privileges. Having roomies can be a PITA, but an extra $800 ($1600 if you have two to let) a month would probably help you dig your way out.

That’s what my sister did, when her husband left her with a house mortgaged past the waterline, maxed out credit cards, and an 18 month old child. She moved herself and daughter into the basement, which fortunately they’d had finished and a ‘game room’ type kitchen installed. For over two years she rented out all four bedrooms to various students & grad student/T.A.s at the nearby junior college. This got her almost $40,000 a year which took care of the mortgae and let her retire all her other bills as well.

Then she married one of the grad students and, all in all, her life went from the pits to pretty damn good in just a couple of years.

So don’t do anything permanent about what is probably a temporary situation, y’hear?

8

I thought about renting this house out, but my house is not fit to live in. I say that as the one who has to live in it. It was supposed to be a temporary thing until we built our dream house behind it. Well, some dreams die.

The house is infested with mice, has holes in the floor, bad carpet, smashed up drywall, one bathroom floor is all torn up, the outside sheathing is falling off/apart, etc. I guess I was supposed to fix it up on my full time job/full time school/1000/month wages. Believe me, it will be a relief to get out of this place–I just thought I’d be somewhere other than a homeless shelter.

Well, I’d better go and see if my screwed up car can make it home, so I can start packing–my stuff. At this point I don’t give a rat’s arse about the shit she left behind.

9

That’s pretty bad, I’ve had a pretty rough life as well. And I’m only 17! (18 in May)
A few years ago, my stepdad I grew up with(him and my mom), and considered as another father, died in a car wreck.
A few years ago, my little sister was raped by 2 drunken, stoned faggots, this is what really put me over the edge.
She didn’t even tell me about it until about 5 months after, in a room full of people! (She had group therapy for getting over drugs, after that day she quit for good and hasnt looked back) Then, at the same time she tells me the fuckers didnt even go to jail. They got 200 hours of community service and probation, THAT IS IT!!! (Fuck the American justice system!!!)
Well that day I went home, got my shotgun out, got my .45 pistol out and was going to go put some serious hurt on these 2 rejects.
Although, I find out that they skipped town and are living on the streets somewhere in either Oakland, SF, or some other rat infested, disease barriered alley way, so finding them is out of the question. I turn the gun on myself. Me and my little sister have always had a very special bond. Unlike any. But of course, because of this I cant kill myself because it would make her even more sad, so I start getting so depressed you wouldnt imagine.
Every second of the day I thought of ways to die, of what day to do it, of how to do it, whatever. And every time I came || this close to doing it, I backed down for her. Of course, for the rest of my family as well but mostly for her.
Well anyway, about a year and a half later (still depressed), I move in with my Dad. Everything’s okay for about 6 months, then he cant pay the bills any more, can hardly afford food. So now we’re homeless (I didn’t want to tell my Mom to worry her) but we were sleeping in this ghetto ass 1 week rental motel complex eating free food.
Okay so about a month later (after he saves up enough for another apartment / house) we get in a duplex. Well about 4 months later he has a heart attack (heavy smoker), but survived.
In fact he even met his soon-to-be-wife and my soon to be stepmother there (she was his nurse). Right after he got out of the hospital he started smoking a cigarette, and his nurse (soon to be wife) came out and said “You know, you’re gonna end up right back in here,” he replied “nope” and put it out after smoking 1/2 of it. And hasnt smoked since.
So anyway, after a while of dating they move in together at our duplex. Things are, again, fine for a while until bills start getting harder to pay, and we’re kicked out of the house again.
Living at my Grandpas for about 2 weeks we stayed there, every morning her going to work and my Dad finding ways to make more money and searching for apartments he can afford. (My Dad is disabled now for about 3 years and cant work)
Okay we find a place 2-3 weeks later after they both get their check we move in.
At this point in life I am really wanting to commit suicide, I even had a loaded gun in my mouth a couple times. But each time my family and friends came into my mind and I stopped.
Well one night I finally told a couple of my friends about it and they told me everything I needed to hear, and always knew, subconsciously.
So, now I’m not depressed any more, I’m taking the GED (I dropped out of high school after I got depressed) and going to a college in with some of my buds(programmers) Arizona for graphics design, web page design and animation (These have always been my passion, I’ve always dabbled in Photoshop and got pretty good at it, then learned 3d Studio Max and am currently learning Maya)

So anyway, the point of all this is that yes, things do get better, even if you cannot see that now. Even though I havent forgiven who did that terrible thing to my little sister, the person I love most in my life and will forever, I have come to accept it. Nor have I forgiven myself for letting it happen while I just lay home in bed watching tv completely clueless as to what was going on miles away from the house.
And I never once turned to drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol.
Just be strong and get through it.

10

So I only have to wade through the chin-deep shit for a couple of years, and then all will be right with the world. Thanks, that’s a big comfort.

Doc, I am glad, really I am, that you came out of it OK.

11

What do you say to a thread like this?

Dude, I hope things get better for you. I really do. Please don’t do anything to yourself before things work out.

Dave

12

PLEASE hang in there. Please.

It does get better. It has to. I’ve been to Hell, and I don’t ever want to go back there again. And I won’t, as long as I fight.

Don’t forget the little things. It’s the little things you have to focus on. The little things that get you through the day.

13

I’m right there with you. This month is a year that my wife left me. I was stuck with a house, van payment, and all the crap that goes with owning a house. Also, she left the day after I got laid off plus we were in the middle of filing bankruptcy and the courts wouldn’t let us halt it. They thought we were doing this as a way to get out of paying $2,500 to the trustee. I was able to sell the house and keep that out of the bankruptcy, had the van repo’d or whatever it is they call it when you voluntarily give it back to the dealership, and have been working a temp job since then. I’ve got my own apartment now, a cheap 95 Saturn that gives me 32 MPG and the same temp job that is going to turn permanently soon (hopefully).

After thinking that my life was going OK she calls up today and starts talking about how she met someone else and wants to file for divorce. Thankfully we agree on an amount for child support, which I’ve been paying for the past year anyway, and joint custody. The only thing now is that she wants me to pay the full $2,500 to the trustee to finalize the bankruptcy. I told her to take me to court and we’ll see what happens.

My point? Life sucks when something like this happens. Then it gets better, then it sucks again, then it gets better, etc. I tried to commit suicide when she told she was leaving. Cops got me after I left the house and had me Baker Acted. Stayed in a pyscho for three days until I told them I wouldn’t do it again. Truthfully its not worth it. It does suck but it will get better. Hell, except for her BS today I’ve been content as hell for the past few months. Keep a stiff upper lip.

14

Hey, I’m STILL paying a heavy ammount of jack to the ex 3 years after we split, and I need that money for my new family.

See, there it is, my new family. I found a wonderful woman and a great son, and now things are looking up. Cycles are what life is all about. Email is in my profile if you want to chat.

15

It may not take years. It is obviously different for each person, and each person’s situation.
If I thought “I cant wait, I have to have this pain ended now” I would NOT be here today to write this to you.
Think about that.
You may even want to try calling a suicide hotline. I was going to when I needed it, however there were no working payphones within 7 miles (all were broken) and I was always paranoid that they would send a officer to my house or something. Even though I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THEY DONT. So dont let my paranoid tendacies affect your decision in any way whatsoever.
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
Go there, it is a site I found earlier tonight and read what they have. I am currently reading it myself at the moment. Hope you will too.

16

Payne, I have a friend who has been going through something very similar over the last year. His soon2bx is the quintessential troll bitch from hell. This woman filed a restraining order against him (and the way Alaska law works, unless he’d been able to afford a high priced lawyer, he was pretty much hosed, because she was the first to court), once she’d had him thrown out, she began selling his things, he was forced by the court to continue to pay the house payment, and several hundred dollars in child support. And she had so many other evil ways to make his life hell, like dragging out the divorce hearing to force him to have to spend more on his lawyer etc.

Long story longer, he is now filing for bankruptcy, she completely ruined his financial picture.

We, (all the people that work with him) have gone to court with him, talked with him and been with him through the whole thing. He’s talked to so many men’s rights advocates, lawyers and counselors that he probably wants nothing more than to spend the next few years alone.

Anyway, I don’t know you very well, being pretty much a newbie here, but you’ve seemed smart and together when I see you post replies.

Do hang in there, it DOES get better, I thought that my poor co-worker and friend was doomed when his own divorce hell started. But it IS slowly working itself out.

Sorry, I know people trying to send sympathy through the internet just doesn’t quite cut it, but there are many people who’ve been through this, you’re not alone.

Hang in there!

17

Man, life’ll get better. See a professional. If you’re feeling really suicidal, GO TO THE ER. Do not sit at home alone and stew. It only gets worse if you do that. Promise.
And get rid of your gun(s). You can buy new ones when you’re mentally heathly again. (don’t think I don’t like guns. I love em, and go to shooting ranges when I can. But not when you’re depressed. I thank God my dad had them locked, and the key in a safe when I was suicidal!)

18

it’ll get better. trust me. You won’t always think like this, and there will come a time when you realize you can’t remember the last time you did.

19

It does get better with time. It gets better sooner if you take responsibility and make something positive happen. Throw yourself into some work. Put school on hold if you need to cut something. Here’s my own little slice of Hell and what I did about it:
I was married for many years to a guy who was screwing one of my 2 best friends. He gave no clue. His interest in me never slowed down. He was difficult and hard to deal with in countless ways, but I stayed, because I believed in marriage and didn’t know he was a cheater until 10 years after he had the affair with my friend. She continued to pretend to be my friend for all those years. I wanted out anyway, and the affair was the “reason” I needed. So he packs up his stuff, takes my beloved dog, and moves over 2000 miles away. I was making 11.50 an hour on my job. He left me with all the bills of the marriage and a kid to support and he didn’t help out or send support. I was very sad, very alone, had no money, and was very insecure about the future. I said nothing negative to the kid about her dad and covered for his sorry ass because his lack of support felt like lack of love to her. And she often asked… “Did dad send any money?” (Fathers… support your children) Anyway… I grieved appropriately, and then threw myself into my work. I left the old job, and found a new one at twice the pay. I noticed that with prince charming out of the house, no one ever hassled me about anything. The house stayed neater, I didn’t have to cook anymore unless I felt like it. No more sports on the tv, no more Gilligan’s Island reruns(!!!) No more of someone’s negative attitude constantly bringing me down. I got happy. I started to laugh more. I was free to do what I wanted to do in my career. I found a better offer and I again doubled my income. I’m getting out of debt, because for the first time in my adult life, I have enough money, because I went out and got it my damn self. I have almost paid off my house, last year I had the dry rotted wood replaced on the outside of my house and had it all painted and two decks built. This year I am remodeling the 2 bathrooms and having new floors put in. My 2000 car will be paid off by summer and I will be totally debt free by year’s end. The house, that was previously a burden, is now an asset. My daughter is happy. Life is good. It is a waste of time to wish for something that can’t be. It is worse to stay in a bad marriage than to cut your losses and move on. You have been snatched out of your comfort zone, but when marriage ends, it can be a really fine blessing in disguise. Don’t let self pity ruin what is left of your life. Get a job closer to home or move to a place where you can work without commuting. When you find yourself working full time hours and only getting 1000 a month, you are in the wrong damn line of work. If you work hard and concentrate on keeping your pets and a roof over your head, time will take care of your broken heart. Just go through the motions for awhile and later down the road you’ll start to feel happy again.

20

Just to add on to the “Me too” pile, I’ve been there. It’s amazing how few options you can see when you’re down, and how silly suicide seems when you’re not.

Payne, you may not believe it now when people tell you things will get better, but you’ll have to trust that hanging on is well worth it. You’ll see for yourself one day.