We have one fast eater in the family. People have tried to get her to slow down but she states that this is just the way she eats. I just keep reminding myself that it is not a competition. Although my instincts tell me I have to keep up with her so I don’t miss out I just try to remind myself that it has nothing to do with me, I can eat at my own pace and I don’t need to match her speed and that I will not starve as there is plenty of food. If I feel uncomfortable then that is my issue to deal with.
I’m a fast eater.
This started when I was a tween and needed to bus and serve for my mother and brothers. It was made worse in college: if we ate fast enough we might get seconds, if we were too slow we might lose dessert to our friends who asked “youdon’twantitdoyou?” and started eating it before we could answer.
Why are you feeling ashamed of not eating as fast? I mean, your problem doesn’t seem to be that you think he doesn’t appreciate the food, but that seeing him finish so quickly makes you feel anxious and inadequate. I know I eat faster than most people: this doesn’t mean other people are eating too slow, it means I. Eat. Fast.
I’m a fast eater. If I’m with slower eaters in a setting where we’re expected to talk, it’s really not a big deal to just sit around and keep talking.
That is, in situations where I would be able to talk even without food. But I have gotten in many group situations where I had trouble coming up with much to say in the brief time I’d have to get a word in edgewise. If there is more than one person who is good at leading conversations, and people just jumping in, I may just wind up sitting there and listening.
If I get to know these people more at an individual level, and can kinda get on their wavelength (or we naturally are already on the same wavelength), it’s a lot easier.
So I guess my question is: is the guy all that talkative outside of dinner situations? And are you guys the type where the conversation doesn’t really ever stop?
My father, brothers, and I were all fast eaters. My mother complained about it a lot, which is one reason it took her so long to eat.
No.
I see a very small possibility for a good outcome and a huge possibility for a bad outcome if a member of your new girlfriend’s extended family, that you’ve only met once or twice, criticizes how you eat.
My suggestion is that you accept that this happens to be how this person that you hardly know eats. Besides, if he’s done it his whole life, he’s probably very used to finishing before everyone else.
We eat like a couple of sloths. If we eat with other, faster eaters, we still take our time. I’ve never had anyone stand up and begin busing the table, so we’re cool.
My family has always had the “one slow eater” situation at family dinners: my mother’s father was a slow eater (maybe because of his bad teeth) and now my brother is the slow eater (he likes to talk a lot during the meal). It’s not usually a problem since we’re sitting around and talking after the meal anyways.
I’m burdened by the line, “tasting absolutely nothing.”
It surely won’t be helpful. I guess I’m shooting for relevant. Buen provecho !
Let the poor guy be.
I’d rather have a fast eater than someone who has to bitch and complain about every morsel on the plate.
“Does this contain gluten?” “I never did care for canned vegetables.” “Didn’t Susie tell you I’m Vegan? I don’t eat anything with a face.” “You’re serving chicken? There’s a salmonella recall for chicken, you know.”
~VOW
Never stops? Not every hour of the day. But pretty much all the time we’re at dinner. That probably started because it was the only time we would all gather together, and it was when we caught up on what was going on, in our individual lives and the world.
A couple of others have posted similar histories, and it strikes me as so sad. Outside of a famine or horrendous poverty, do parents REALLY teach their kids they have to compete for enough to fill their bellies? They won’t protect Joe’s right to eat his piece of pie, from Charlie’s stealing it right in front of them?? What the hell?
You should have used that fork that was so conveniently already in your hand, and stuck them in their grabby hands.
I’m not ashamed of eating more slowly than him – probably because I grew up in a family where we all ate at more or less the same speed so I think of myself as ‘normal.’
It’s that I feel I am inconveniencing the other person. Like I always feel horribly ashamed when I am late for a meeting or anything. How RUDE of me to make everyone wait. (Yes, I will never be the fashionably late one.)
Maybe adding to it is that I’m not really talking about him waiting ‘after’ the meal, but in the middle of it. Because so far on these occasions I’ve always had a dessert to serve, and if it’s a cake it’s likely sitting RIGHT OVER THERE on a sideboard, and why am I making this poor boy (more and more people are mere boys/girls from my POV) sit there and lust after the sweet treat to come?
But somehow offering to cut him a slice of cake while the rest of us are still eating our chicken or whatever seems equally strange.
I dunno. Yes, if it doesn’t bother him, and it does worry me, well, it’s my problem then.
I’m a fast eater, but the only times it’s a problem is when I don’t want to interact, such as at a work function, where a combination of the general loudness of a group gathering and the fact that they are my co-workers rather than friends makes me finish early because I’m not talking, and then have nothing to do because I still don’t want to interact.
Whereas at a quieter place with people I have more in common with, I still eat a little faster, but slightly slower than in the above situation because I’ll also be talking, and then after I finish I can still be part of the conversation.
On the other hand, once everyone is done with their meals, I think it’s time to leave, because we can chit chat any old place and there’s nothing else to do at a restaurant table. Thankfully people around me don’t like to order dessert a lot, but I dislike it when people want to hang out some more at a restaurant table over another cup of coffee after they’ve finished their meal when I’ve already been done for 10 or more minutes.
This. I don’t think you have a problem that needs to be solved, other than that you feel awkward about it.
i sometimes eat in groups where one person doesn’t eat at all. An Orthodox Jew I work with sometimes used to go to lunch with the gang. He’d eat before, so he wasn’t hungry, and he’d just join us for the social aspect. Before the pandemic, I used to get together with friends for pizza and TV. Only I ate dinner with my fmaily before I went, and maybe nibbled on a chicken nugget, but didn’t really eat. I wanted to spend time with them, and they tolerated my not joining their meal.
He’s not hungry. He’s still part of the group. Just accept him and include him in the conversation and try not to judge him on eating fast. I think this is a you problem, not a him problem. And I think you can solve it.
But you aren’t inconveniencing him. You provided him with food, and he ate it, and he’s not hungry. He’s not “waiting for you to finish eating”, he is spending time socializing with you as you eat. That’s really a different situation than making people wait until you arrive until they can begin their thing. The “thing” is “enjoying each other’s company around the table” and you are doing it just fine.
Eat the way you want to eat and stop worrying about how someone else eats. Problem solved, because there never was one.
Uh, the “seconds or get your dessert stolen” part was from COLLEGE. My parents were 400km away.
S/he was referring to other posters in addition to you.
I’d much rather eat with him than with someone who puts food in their mouth and then tries to have a conversation while chewing.
Don’t worry about it.
Don’t say anything, to him or to your daughter. This is a non-problem. It will remain a non-problem so long as you treat it as one. It will become a problem if you try to change this guy’s behavior, whether through outright criticism or through passive-aggressive prevaricating questions about what you can do to make him more comfortable. Just treat his eating habits as though they are totally normal, because they are (as are yours), and engage him in conversation once he puts down his fork and before you take your second bite of salad.
My big brother was famous for this, for finishing everything on his plate before everyone else had really gotten started on their meals.
He didn’t mind just talking for the rest of suppertime. He would often lean forward and hide his plate from view with his hands resting on the table. Sometimes we would kid him about that. He really loved his food.
My husband is a very fast eater. It’s like he’s afraid someone will steal his food if he doesn’t get to it first. If he were a stranger I would pay no attention, because it’s bad manners, but since I’m married to him and we share a lot of meals I can’t help but notice.
I’m the opposite. Very slow.
When the kiddos were little I assigned him to feed them, thinking that would slow him down, and it did slow him down. Plus I got to eat actual hot meals.
But it’s not something I think I have to deal with. You don’t have to deal with how somebody else eats, or what they eat, or whether they put catsup on their hot dogs. It’s only a problem if they finish their plate and start on yours, right?
The (former) Mrs Vader and I were very similar to Hilarity in this. I eat fast, she ate slow, talking or not. When he’s done, refill his beverage, leave his plate, maybe he’s like me, continues to nibble on this and that, mostly to be sociable while at the table?