A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away… or say 25 years ago, near Charlotte, NC, I was married for a few years and I acquired a sister-in-law. Her name was Deborah, and she was kind of a black sheep like me, we spent a lot of time together, and we were very close. I left the family through divorce after a few years, and lost touch with her for several years. Then about 4 years ago, we found each other again (thanks, Facebook!) and we talked on the phone for hours at a time and got close again. Last May she found out that she had stage 4 lung cancer. I visited her in November- it was supposed to be for one day, but my car broke down when I tried to leave and I ended up staying with her for 5 days until the repairs were done. We really reconnected during that time and now I’m so very grateful to have had those days with her, even though I was so pissed at the time that I couldn’t just go home.
We both thought that she had at least at few months left, if not a couple of years. The last time I spoke to her, the cancer had gone to her spine, she was in a wheelchair, but she still had all of her faculties and she seemed so normal. Then one day in June, I saw a Facebook post from one of my ex’s family members that Deb was gone. I never got to really say goodbye, and I wasn’t ready. I was not ready!
Last night, I dreamed that she came back to life for one day just to spend time with me, and I told her how much I loved her. I woke up crying, and I have been crying all day. I can’t seem to stop. What the fuck is this??! It’s been about 6 weeks, and I thought that I was mourning just fine. Jeez Louise and pepper jack cheese. I need to stop crying now. Sometimes I hate dreams. I really hope that she knew how much she meant to me.
I can feel you pain and anguish in your words, I’m so sorry you didn’t get another opportunity to see her! I’m certain she knew how much you cared for her, just as I’m certain that you wanted her to go when the moment was right for her. Death and loss are hard. Please try not to be hard on yourself about how your morning manifests, or on what timetable. We’re it another, you would never be so harsh. Gently, gently please!
You’ll be in my thoughts, wishing you better days soon come!
It takes a long time to work through grief. I probably cried for my grandfather every single time I drove down a country road by myself for three years. Now I’m down to about one sob a year… twelve years later.
As has been said many times and by many people, there is no set schedule to mourning/grieving. It’s quite possible that you are indeed “mourning just fine”, and you’ve reached the point where the loss hits you like the proverbial ton o’ bricks.
As for Deb, other posters have said it: she knows.
Thanks for the comforting words. I usually don’t mind crying that much, but right now I live with 2 males, who are not so comfortable with me showing this much emotion, so that’s probably why I’m fighting this so much. I really hope to feel better tomorrow. I think she did know how I felt about her but I can’t really be sure. It has really given me impetus to tell the people that I am close to how I feel, though, so that I won’t have to wonder about it next time. You, too- tell them!
I see this as a wonderful thing. You got your chance to tell her you loved her and say goodbye, which you didn’t have before. And today you get to grieve and release all that pent up emotion.
So laugh, cry, smile and be grateful that this came to you. Moreso that it came on a weekend and you didn’t need to suck it up and go to work.
The bolded part is exactly what I was thinking in my dream and it made me happy. So, although I am not religious or spiritual in any way at all, I’m going to go with this.
The Verdi Requiem probably puts it best. It’s basically a huge chorus singing “Death Sucks” at the top of their lungs. (OK, my translation is a bit idiosyncratic, but it fits.)
Well, I feel much better now, and I only had parmesan cheese. I guess I just needed to talk about it- that’s why this place is good, because I couldn’t really literally talk about it IRL because I was crying so much, but I could type it out here and get responses. I feel much closer to feeling good about her life instead of bad about her death now. So, thanks to everyone that responded for your kindness and understanding.