My wife, Joan, died almost 8 years ago and I still miss her terribly.
Since Joans death I have not been celibate but I realised that I could never love any woman as much as I did her and this is why I have never re-married. I feel it would be immoral to pretend to a lady that I felt for her as much as I felt for Joan and still do.
Friends and relatives have tried to ‘pair’ me up with what they consider would be an ideal second wife and I have had to tell them time and time again that they are wasting their time.
Even my son has asked me why I have not come to terms with his mothers death and moved on, he feels that Joan would have wanted me to to and I have no doubt he is right but despite all that I just can’t bring myself to take another woman into what was OUR home.
Last night I dreamed of Joan, not for the first time I admit but this dream was more vivid than any of the others. In the dream Joan herself spoke to me, told me to re-marry, be a family again and once more enjoy life to the full.
I woke sweating and frightened and I don’t know why I was afraid.
I do enjoy life, I am not a poor man, I have no crushing debts and I have many friends both in the UK and abroad and yet I am getting no younger (I’m almost 56) and wonder what lies ahead.
My father’s wife – my mother – died 6 years ago. Dad is in a similiar situation to you: he can’t move on since he will never love another woman in the same way as he did (or does) my Mum. He has never healed from her death.
To be honest, I don’t know what I can do for him and I don’t know what I could say to you. Except maybe that there’s nothing to be afraid of: you’ll meet someone who you can love again, or you won’t. If you’re already enjoying life, the latter isn’t so terrible. And if the former happens – against all the odds – well, consider yourself twice blessed.
And sometimes it’s not wrong to love someone in a new way. Someone you’re comfortable with and you can just spend time with. There’s no reason to try to replace the love of your life. You might be able to find something that’s nice and sweet. Like a slow burning ember.
Of course as others have noted there’s no reason to remarry if you’re content being alone either.
Thanks for the above replies ladies/gents.
It isn’t so much that I’m content being alone it’s just that sometimes I need someone here to talk to …about anything.
To play a game of chess or whatever.
As you all say in one way or another…time will out
I agree with Darkhold. You don’t have to love anyone the way you loved Joan. In fact, you would probably feel guilty if you did. I think each love is different the way each child is different. That’s okay. Bringing a new wife into the house seems a concern to you. Perhaps you could consider selling the house you shared with her (maybe to your son? Or another relative?), and buy a smaller home that is not so full of her.
I have thought of selling the house NORINEW but at my stage of life I have no desire to go through the house moving caper again and really it isn’t so much the house as the things in it which even if I did move would still come with me.
My son already has his own place and lives some distance away, he’s happy where he is which is close to his works.
I have a funny feeling that this time next year matters will have taken a different turn, I retire in Feb having decided on voluntary redundancy so I’ll have more time on my hands to …well…cast about I suppose
At the risk of sounding somewhat evil, I’ve thought about what I’d do if my husband died. (not that I’m really worried - he’s younger than I and healthy enough and he’s not too reckless…) We’ve not lived anywhere long enough for a house to be loaded with memories. As for our furniture - I suppose I’d just give it to our daughter since she’ll be out on her own soon.
But there’s the boat. He loves the boat. I like it fine too, but I couldn’t manage it on my own - it’s too big. And I could never sail in it with someone else. So it’d have to go, and I’d feel terribly guilty about it. Then I’d get all practical and know that I had to let it go.
I know that sounds bizarre, even to me. But I do think there comes a time when you just know that it’s time to move on. It varies with each person. As soon as my Dad died, my Mom was giving away his clothes (with a few exceptions) and his tools (again, with a few exceptions) because she’s not overly sentimental and she’s extremely practical. It’s not like the house is devoid of Dad, and I know she misses him, but she let go and got on with her life. She’s not dating or anything (she’s almost 70) but she is involved at her church and with a couple of retired-folks groups. That’s how she dealt with her grief.
I expect you’ll know when it’s time for you to try another path. Don’t let anyone rush you to that point.
You know, spogga, your wife just may help you more than you think. She may just put someone in your path and you’ll somehow know that she approves and that it’s time and that it’s ok. That may sound a bit out there, but I do believe that people who loved us in this life, continue to watch over us and help when we need them but it’s from a different perspective than they may have taken in this life.
From a deeper knowledge base and free of the more petty emotions we feel in this life.
Put the following ad in the a local college paper:
Wanted: Live-in housekeeper who likes chess. Room and board provided.
You get company and you help out someone who is just starting out in life. You could pay them some cash if you wanted or just the free living like they got at home with their parents.
Plus you could wind up with a hot chick to show off to all your friends.
Spogga - I have been married for 7 years and my wife is the closest human being to me. We share a love as deep as anyone - in this casse especially you - know about. A love not to be defined by words.
You speak of your dream frightening you, maybe because you sense a change coming soon. Retirement looming, much more time on your hands inevitable, I’d say you are a little anxious. I understand Spogga, I understand completely. I do say, please look at Fairy’s quote above. Could that not be deliniated by your recent dream?
I do a fair bit of writing late at night when my wife sleeps. Oddly enough my inspiration comes from her face in my minds eye. Your wife’s face is and will be forever in your monds eye. Do not fear that it will go away if you were to find companionship with another woman. Because sufficed to say, you will not find companionship with some one who does not understand your situation, and who is not a very compassionate person.
My thoughts are with you. Fair-thee-well the coming months…and luck to all of your furture endeavors.
I thought I detected a subtext in your posts that indicates you are interested in having something more in your life, but feel afraid and ambivalent about it. Which is quite understandable.
How about this - instead of “moving on”, which sounds like you’re leaving the past behind, what about adding some new experiences to the mix you’ve already got? No need to close the door on where you’ve been and a wife you loved dearly. But perhaps you could open up a window and let someone new in, in a different way.
I’d also suggest not making it a decision about whether or not to marry again, clearly this isn’t the time for that. However you are entitled to have some friends, perhaps someone you care about. It doesn’t have to be anything more than that, just enough to keep you connected to the present.
I really don’t know what to say, you are all so very kind and thoughtful (Markoft…that’s not really a good idea of yours y’know)
** Phlosphr ** There was a lady some 4 years ago who I was quite fond of and yet when I told her one evening over dinner that I would never stop loving Joan she could not understand this.
Needless to say that relationship fizzled and died.
Yes I am anxious, I don’t do any of the macho things men do, hunting, shooting, fishing, I watch football as often as possible, rugby also and I enjoy a few beers with my pals but I’m not a big drinker, I daresay I’m a bit of a boring sod really.
Like you I also write, I’ve been writing a novel for over 7 years now and in all honestly I don’t think I need clear space for the torrent of prizes that will be thrust upon me if and when the book is finished.
When this thread is closed I’ll copy and paste all replies to it, who knows one day I may just announce that I’m getting married thanks to advice and help received from a whole bunch of people I never even met.
A social phenomenon happens to good men who lose a loved wife. They become genuinely sad. Not like the sadness of losing your dog of 15 years, not like the sadness of losing a brother or sister even. But sadness of losing a genuine part of yourself. I have expressed similar anxiety to my wife on occasion. I look at her and know how lucky a man I am.
You are a good man Spogga, that is easily seen in your writing. Live it sir, because there are not too many truly good men out there. Eventually, you will run into someone who you will see something genuine in as well. A social consciousness is all around us at all times. We attract a certain synchronistic energy to us. Ever wonder about an old chum and then an hour or a day later they call you off the cuff? Or want to read a certain book and all of a sudden you pass a bill board with some words from the book written on it?
You have renewed some of my faith in humans…among all the muck in the world, a normalsey still exists.
In last nights dream she was sat opposite me in what was her favourite armchair, whether she was aware that she was alive or not I cannot say.
In other dreams (they are less frequent than they were 8 years ago) we always seemed to be on holiday in Corfu which was one of her best loved holiday places and we were always in a small restaurant we had found in Corfu Town which was possibly the best eating place on the whole of the island.
You need to learn that you falling in love with another woman is not cheating on your wife. You can love another person deeply and passionately and it does nothing to the devotion you had and have for your first wife.
As for your dream.
Well, if you think it was her spirit telling you to move on and enjoy life how can you argue with her?
If you don’t hold stock in that sort of thing, then your own subconcious pulled up the psychological trump it felt necessary to get you to live.
This is not the Pit, so all I will say about [b[Zebra**'s remark is that perhaps more genteel wording would have been in order?
I envy you the depth of your love, and the dedication both to her memory and to the clearly living love you still hold dear. In fact to be blunt I wish I loved my wife half as much as you loved yours.
The force of that feeling is confirming and fulfilling. I see you as a fine man who isn’t unhealthy, or maudlin.
I hope that you do two things- continue to love the woman you lost, and allow yourself to exlore a new and different kind of love with someone else. Not as a replacement of time-filler, but as a new kind of friendship and love.
If you loved your wife this deeply, you’re able to develop a strong but uniquely different kind of love with another woman.
