This topic was originally started by jsgoddess in a thread a couple of years ago (made my heart ache given her OP therein), so I figured I’d drop the question again. I’d be curious to see if any of the Dopers who posted back then have had reason to change their mind, and of course, I’d like to see new opinions as well.
To answer my own question, I think divorce is way too new to be able to answer accurately. But even before divorce was a remote possibility, I’d always felt that marriage was a lot more work in some ways than I expected. I have a hard time believing, now that I’ve been through the experience, that I’d be willing to put forth that effort for anyone else again in life. I hope to love someone else in my life and have a special someone, but I also suspect I’m going to be far more selfish than I’d been in the past. I don’t know that I’d ever want to give up so much of myself again.
What about the rest of you? And if you have remarried, were you more or less skeptical about the experience the second time around?
I haven’t changed my mind…I still would like to remarry. And I’m currently involved with someone who is as close to perfect for me as anyone can get. I would marry him in a minute.
However…
He is one of those people who has sworn never to remarry. And he is also the kind of person who does not go back on a decision. So I think that even if he finds himself in love with me, he will hold to that decision. He feels he doesn’t have many years left, he doesn’t want to upset his adult kids, who seem to have their hearts set on him being with a family friend, and he really loved his ex-wife…he doesn’t want to be hurt again. I think he may also decide, if he should find himself falling in love with me, to break things off.
I’ll have to deal with the realities of this situation eventually, but for right now, I can live with the limitations. He’s worth any amount of getting hurt to me. I’m not afraid of getting my heart broken again. He’s been very honest with me about his intentions, and I’ve no illusions that things will change. But if he ever changes his mind…I hope it’s me he decides to risk it on.
I made a mental note not to ever do it again in case I ever get nutty and entertain the idea. My ex-wife is as perfect as you can reasonably expect on and I still didn’t like being married at all. It literally killed parts of me even in the clinical sense. I love being a father of two daughters though so that purpose was served and I am committed deeply to that. I don’t think that I am cut out for marriage at all but I also think most other people aren’t either. A few people pull it off but it is cancerous overall.
You know, even though I’m no advocate of remarriage right now, I have to bring up something my counselor told me when I started with my “Never! No way!” speech.
She said that, even in the best case scenario where a couple lives “happily ever after” growing old together – barring a freak accident where they die simultaneously – that love, too, will end in pain for somebody. At some point, you have to decide if the joy you can experience for so many years with someone you are so compatible with is worth what pain may ultimate come from the loss of that love. And for most of us, the answer is yes if we’re willing to take the risk.
For your sake and the sake of your SO, I hope he changes his mind and takes that risk with you at some point.
Not only do I not want to remarry, I’m not even ready to actually get divorced yet. I’ve been married 10 years, but I haven’t seen my husband in over 6.
I have a boyfriend I’ve been living with for nearly 4 years now. He knows I’m still married, obviously, and talks about me getting the divorce so that he and I can marry. But I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want to break up, but I like how things are now without all the complications marriage brings. Plus, I really don’t want to be that girl–the one who divorces and remarries in the same month. Feels crass.
If something happened to my husband, I guess it’s “romantic” to say I wouldn’t marry someone else, but if I could find someone who makes me half as happy as I am now, I’d remarry in a heartbeat. I also know he’d want me to remarry (we’ve discussed it, I’m not sure when).
I was widowed at age 36, and I was determined never to remarry.
7 years later, I met a really nice man who told me he was divorced and was happy to be free-- and never wanted to marry again. I thought he was interesting and I kept in touch because I planned to introduce him to a woman friend of mine whom I thought might get along well with him.
They got along very well, became fast friends, but I ended up marrying the guy. He’s wonderful and I never regretted it. I found the adjustment a lot easier in the second marriage.
Would I do it again? If I found myself single again, I wouldn’t go looking for it, but who knows? As I’m getting on in years, it’s probably not a dilemma I’m likely to face.
Hang in there, Asimovian, give yourself a chance to heal properly.
31, male, no kids, coming up on a year since the divorce was final, after being married for 4 years and together for 5 before that.
If I had kids already, probably not. I’m just now learning how to live in my own space as a mature adult, and I like it.
However, I’d like to have kids one day, and all other things being equal, I think it’s best for everybody if children are raised by a committed, loving couple. Once I meet the woman I want to have kids with, I’ll marry her.
I was married at age 20; divorced at age 37. I’ve been divorced now longer than I was ever married. I’ll be 60 (gasp!) in a week.
Someone I’ve become close to has mentioned marriage to me - twice, in the last month. I couldn’t be more surprised. I’m considering the possibilities, but I’m still scared about the legal consequences.
Well … the first time I remarried, I was skeptical. As a matter of fact, some small part of me was shrieking in terror as I stood in front of the church and said my vows.
That little part of me was right, my second hubby and I just weren’t compatible.
The second time I remarried, however, I had no qualms at all. My current (third) hubby and I get along very, very well. Maintaining this relationship is not nearly the effort the second one was (the first one crashed and burned).
As far as ever marrying again … I never say never but I don’t think I would, because of my age (I’ll be 50 in February).
If something happens to hubby I’ll be sure to ring you up, Asimovian.
No never! only regret is that I ever married or never divorced sooner!
I love being divorced! My sex life has never been so varied or better! I have more money hobbies homes and holidays then I possibly ever could have had being tied to one woman.
How can you get all your intellectual, emotional, sexual needs fulfilled with one person? ( and I believe this goes both ways) I wouldn’t trade my current life for anything and certainly not for any single one.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d get involved in another serious, long-term, committed, monogamous relationship. That’s something I’m comfortable with. But saying vows again? No. I did that once, meant it sincerely, and the relationship failed. I’m not comfortable making the same vows a second time. How many people can you make that promise to before it becomes a joke? So, I’d happily consider a marriage-like relationship, but would not remarry*.
When this topic comes up I always say “Fool me once…”.
Unless it became convenient for legal reasons. But I would take a lot of convincing.
So…how HE doin’? Wait…that isn’t how that’s supposed to go. :smack:
Cazzle, I agree with you wholeheartedly. It is quite possible for both people to mean those vows sincerely at the time, but still be unable to fulfill them down the line. Why make promises “for life” when you have no idea how life is ultimately going to turn out? Better to just enjoy the time you have together and skip the vows.
Early on when my wife and I were trying to reconcile, she started using the phrase “for the rest of our marriage” instead of “for the rest of our lives.” You think that didn’t stick in my craw? But I suppose that was the more realistic view after all. :dubious:
