Just a guess, but I think it might be because you’re scared to love again. You’ve had someone you loved deeply ripped away from you once, and perhaps subconciously you want to avoid getting that close to someone again so you can save yourself from the possibility of that kind of pain again. I’m not looking to pull punches here, just stating what your OP seems to say to me.
There will come a time when you’ll realize intrinsically that you don’t have to love another like you did your late wife. There are several different types of love and infinitely varying degrees of each. Eventually, another person may fall into the romantic category and fate will determine how deep that will go.
You have lived out your vows to their fullest extent; not even God (if you’re in to that) will think ill of you should you find another person that comes even close to making you as happy as Joan did. It’s not like you have to shove aside your happy memories of her in order to enjoy the company, passion, and fulfillment of another woman. I’ve recently learned myself that it is possible to love two people deeply at the same time (yeah, surprised me).
As for bringing someone else into your home that you shared with your wife, well, sentimentality varies greatly from person to person and I’m not one to judge in that arena. I personally would probably choose to move out of my house should something as unfortunate as the death of a spouse happen to me.
I’ve always told people that love will find you when you least expect it, especially when you’re not particularly looking for it. Judging from your OP and the way you describe yourself, I have a feeling that it will happen for you like that.
spogga - first, my sympathies to you. It’s so hard to lose someone you’ve loved.
Here’s what I think about this - take it for whatever you think it’s worth: You NEVER EVER EVER have to love anyone as much as you love Joan. It is not required of you. Nobody can fill her shoes - or your heart - the way she did. Fortunately, no one has to - it seems to me that a love that endures as long as yours has is a love that’s not going to go away. If you wish companionship, friendship, even another marriage eventually, you can have it… and still have your love for Joan and hers for you. Giving love to someone else is not taking it away from Joan. And here’s something else - Joan will not stop loving you, either.
spogga, I married a widower with three almost grown children.
Although I never met his first wife, we had mutual friends. Everyone said that she was bright and bubbly and funny. She was a wonderful homemaker and mother – very creative and always on the go.
My personality is so different. What I bring to our marriage is totally different from the gifts that she had. Just as a parent can love two children fully and in two very different ways, there can be room in your life for more love. There always is. And the right woman will understand that you will always love Joan and not be threatened by it at all.
If you think about it, marrying again would be a compliment to Joan. It’s a way of reaffirming that marriage was really a wonderful part of your life.
Right now it sounds like you need companionship – a buddy. If that relationship develops into a different kind of relationship, that’s okay. If not, you still have someone to talk with. Just do what comes naturally.
When you retire, you might consider travelling some. It’s a wonderful way to put a different perspective on your life. It gets you out of yourself.
Besides, what woman isn’t curious about a foreign accent?
** Zebra ** Thanks for taking the trouble to reply
It was a dream…nothing more than a dream
See 1 (above)
I know
Yes.
All other replies are taken on board and my thanks again to the posters. I have no doubt, none whatsoever, that what you all say you really mean and I thank you all very much…again
CARTOONIVERSE: I think you more than likely do.
When I first read this thread yesterday I did wonder if the dream was very significant. I have no idea what dreams mean, but I do think we spend a lot of our sleeping time working through things, issues, concerns, etc – I just wonder if you might be preparing yourself for a small shift in perspective . . .
As you say spogga, time will tell. Always does, assuming you have the time. Without knowing anything for certain, my first guess would be that the dream was an important moment, and that you’ll spend the next few months very slowly preparing your head to look forward to new horizons and possibilities.
I wish you well, spogga, in these very difficult times, but I also think there’s much to look forward to . . . Good luck!
I have absolutely no experience in this area, having never had a love of my life (yet?), much less having lost one, but hey – when has lack of experience every stopped me from giving advice?
Seriously, I only want to say one thing, which is that I don’t understand why “never loving anyone so much again” is something you have to have resolved, or even “know,” much less tell other people. Perhaps it would be enough to just try to be open to love, and leaving aside the questions regarding its eventual depth or magnitude? If you’re willing to plant a seed, I don’t see that you have to have decided how tall the tree will be. Maybe it would be easier, and less frightening to just let it be what it will be, however big or small.
But I don’t know shite, so feel free to disregard. I just wish you well.
I think it is wonderful that you had someone like that you had such a special love for.
I have never felt that way about anyone yet. I hope to someday.
They do tell me at 32 I am still young.
If it’s a real spiritual thing, then you oughta get married because Joan tells you to. If it was just a regular dream, then you should also get married since it tells you that you believe Joan would want you to be married.
Spogga, your story is sad but beautiful. How lucky Joan was to have had a man that loved her just so much. I genuinely feel sympathy for your terrible loss. I know that to lose someone that you love never really gets any easier as the years go by.
I feel that you are maybe taking stock of the new life that’s ahead of you, once you retire. Retirement is a whole new life, from what I can gather (I’m not quite ready for retirement yet!).
I, like many others here, tend to think that perhaps you are a little afraid to open your heart up again for fear of potentially having to suffer the dreadful hurt of loss once again.
My humble advice to you is, don’t turn a blind eye to the possibility of a new relationship. Everyone on this earth deserves to give and receive love.
I must ask, do you sometimes feel loney or do you feel alone? There is a huge difference. Depending on that answer may be the key as to whether you really want another lady in your life or not.
It seems you have a great deal of support in this forum. Turn to these friends should you ever need “a shoulder”.
By the way, as I’ve often seen, someone special could well turn up when you least expect it. I hope you truly do find happiness and contentment within yourself, whichever outcome you choose to pursue. My instinct tells me, though, that you have so much you could offer to someone special in your life. I sense that you would enjoy sharing yourself with another person, both physically, emotionally and spiritually if you just let it happen without analysing things too deeply.
Ride the waves, don’t make stringent plans, just let life fulfill as many of your hopes and dreams as possible.
Maybe Joan knows you’re about to meet someone special and wanted to give you her blessing so when you meet this special someone, you’ll know that Joan is okay with it. Keep your eyes peeled, you never know.
You’ll never love another woman in the same way, or even as much as you loved your wife. I wouldn’t want to marry a man who quit loving his wife just because she died, though. Love comes in many forms and intensities, ya know? It’s cool if you don’t want to remarry but don’t let that particular reason stop you. Anyone special you meet will grow to love Joan too, I think.
