S.A.F.E. Alternatives is a network of resources for self-injury – this page contains a link for trained therapists by state, as well as national hotline numbers. You can also reach them at (800) 366-8288 for referrals and support.
This page includes alternative coping techniques to use when you want to harm yourself, as well as other information and resources.
I had an okay one from my old university. I had a blowup in math during my first year of college (which was my only blowup in the middle of a class in college, luckily), and by regulation they had to report me so I got sent to some “triage care”, so I guess they got me someone explicitly equipped to deal with self harm and the like. But then he moved and it was kind of my fault for not getting a referral for another one.
The bad ones were all recommended through my insurance, I think I just didn’t put enough research into them or something. Of the two that said they couldn’t help me, but were not mean, I think I just didn’t check thoroughly and it probably just wasn’t their field. I have no idea what was with the one that yelled at me, though. I really think I just blindsided him with my bite marks and he wasn’t prepared for it.
I don’t know about medication, the last time I tried medication was in high school and I was one of the unlucky ones that hit the side effect on my antidepressant that makes you more depressed. It was the only time I actually wanted to kill myself so I kind of stay away from medication now. I know you usually have to go through multiple prescriptions to find a “right” one, but it was really scary feeling that bad, even compared to my usual state.
I’ll try SAFE, I guess, thanks, but I have to wait because I’m changing states to go to grad school in the next month or so.
I really don’t think it matters at all
This. You’d definitely want to understand why the other person had no friends, before getting more deeply involved with them.
Jragon, I wish you the best. I’ve never dealt with that kind of anxiety before, but I do know what it’s like to have had a bad scare with meds. If you’re going to grad school, though, you may want to seriously reconsider your stance. Maybe all you’d need is something you can take on an “as needed” basis. Like, something you could take before a major exam.
And that therapist? Fuck him. Maybe he was burnt-out or something. But it’s not your fault whatever the deal was.
It would have been better with “That’s a paddlin’” appended to each of the aforementioned deal-breakers.
If what you say is true, whatever professional associations or licensure authorities this person needs (and she may need none) should be notified. I would use a third-party to help you pick therapists, because you may be drawn to these freakshows magnetically. Trust me, a (true) therapist would never tell someone that they are “unhelpable”. If I come up with the organization you might contact for referrals, I’ll post it. (Or you can post on Carolyn Hax; she’ll have the info handy.)
As for the other responses, I think there’s a huge difference between being “antisocial” and having an avoidant personality disorder, whether seemingly inexplicably organic or one developed through one’s life experiences. There are MANY people who have “friends” who in fact objectively have none and either realize it or don’t; there are many people who use interactions with so-called or actual friends for “self-validation”, just as people “use” children, marriage, etc.
I wonder if there are people who would consider having too many friends a “deal breaker” too. Many of the same warning flags associated with “no friends” also apply to “tons of friends”, particularly lack of commitment. If someone tells me they are hosting a party for their closest 50 friends, I’m gonna hafta wonder if their definition of “close friend” is the same as mine. And I’d probably worry that every time we went out together, we’d bump into someone they know and we’d never get a moment’s peace.
I can see how both extremes would be a turn-off.
“I don’t know about medication, the last time I tried medication was in high school and I was one of the unlucky ones that hit the side effect on my antidepressant that makes you more depressed.”
What you’re talking about in earlier posts is not just anxiety-related and it doesn’t sound as though you’ve been diagnosed. I wouldn’t discount medication in terms of helping adjust brain chemistry … and I also think this isn’t simply a matter of an antidepressant. I’d recommend not focusing on some insurance-approved list.
Two of the most emotionally unavailable people I know have hundreds of “friends”.
I know a group of guys like that. It’s about 20 of them and they even have a nickname for their group. Over the years, a few have expressed interest in me, but once I found out they were part of that clique (and yes, I do equate it to high school), it was pretty much a deal-breaker.
Not for me, but if she asks I will take her out with my friend, and she will find out that they have no commonalities and that it was boring and pointless. But if she asks if I have friends, then I will arrange a meet up. Show her that meeting one of my friends will not make me a better hubby or anything.
Keep in mind females, guys don’t want to sit around and hang out with all your friends. Nor should you want to do the same. We put on a smile, but you best know it’s a sham.
I think it’s fair to judge a person by the company they keep, but this idea that you would only date someone with lots of friends is so asinine it makes me boil over. You want the guy who actually listens to you, respects you, and will treat you right? Find the one who values his relationships and doesn’t wear them like a notch on his belt. Similarly, it is not attractive for a girl to have a thousand guy friends. It’s obvious you just want attention to hide your insecurity.
Also, don’t date guys who refer to women as “females.”
Oh, and most important, don’t date males that make inane distinctions to feel better about themselves on an internet forum.
No one has said that a person must have “lots” of friends to be datable. The issue being discussed is whether having exactly zero friends is a red flag or a deal breaker or not an issue.
Zero does not equal any number less than whatever “lots” means. Zero is zero.
And I don’t like being called “female.” Any guy who collectively used “Females” in the way you just did to my face would most like prove himself to be not a good fit for my circle of friends. It shows a strong feeling to make women something other and usually lesser. Female is used for animals. Women is used to denote humans and equals. Either the person speaking this way is sexist and/or uncomfortable with women or they are trying to make a stupid joke. This doesn’t work for me.
I just have to laugh and shake my head at people who get upset over the use of the term female to describe human beings that match that criteria.
It doesn’t even register when someone uses the word “male” to describe me. Because I’m a male. And there is nothing wrong with the word female. Nothing to be ashamed of, or to be used only for “animals” (as if human beings weren’t animals, and as if there weren’t female plants as well)
I don’t personally use the word female very often when speaking to women, but the more and more I see them taking umbrage to it, the more it makes me want to use it out of spite. It’s a ridiculous hangup.
Nothing says “sexy” like taking a description widely held to be unflattering and using it out of spite!
I agree. The critical distinction here is Zero vs 1+ friends. There is a bigger [potential] difference in a person socially between having zero friends or 1 friend, then there is, say, for someone who has 3 friends vs 5 friends. The actual quantity of friends is less important than the existence of them. And yes I’m factoring someone who maybe moved far from friends, has ‘online’ friends, works somewhere isolated, etc. Its just in my opinion there’s more negative reasons a person might not have any friends.
Monstro, your question about ‘too many friends’ is a good one, but personally I don’t see it as big of a downside. It could be somewhat of a red flag (a yellow flag? 
) if the person seemingly has a bajillion friends, because you might be wondering just how well does this guy know all these people. Its true some people have a loose definition of ‘friend’ as well; a person could claim to have eight friends, but those eight people might see the person simply as ‘that guy that always invites himself to parties and just sorta stands there’ :dubious: . But even having ‘too many’ friends is less worrisome; if a person can develop good relationships with a diverse group of people, it shows he or she has high social intelligence, is adaptive, a good active listener, and capable of wearing a lot of ‘hats’ in life. For some people that totally lack friends, its not so much that they are incapable, its just they are too inflexible about who they are to be willing to adapt to social situations.
Anyone who gets offended that I refer to human beings with XX chromosomes as females is most definitely not someone whose friends I would wish to meet. My bleeding heart only has so much room and semantic nonsense to stoke your feminist inclinations are simply not going to make the cut.
Of course, “that woman” was also sexist right…can’t win with these types.