Heterosexual ladies, from the list of past and present men in your life, have some been in the “just friends” list, i.e. you liked them, but “not in that way”?
If yes, can you list some of the reasons these men were in the “just friends” list?
Some of mine may not count because I have briefly dated some of the guys I’m “just friends” with before realising it just wasn’t going to work out. That said, the reasons are these:
- Bad dating habits (ie. attention span of a gnat, fidelity issues, too clingy/needy, falls in and out of love within the span of a month, or all of the above)
- Not sexually compatible (ie. we fooled around and no one’s world was rocked)
- Geographically undesirable (ie. we would’ve had to be in a long distance relationship)
Those are all things I can tolerate in a friend, but refuse to deal with in a BF.
- Spitballs in the corners of his mouth/smell/general hygiene issues.
- He gets obsessive about girls and says awful things about them when the girls don’t return his affection.
- He looks or acts like my brother. Hey, I love my brother and I love guy friends who are like my brother, but ewwww.
All perfectly acceptable traits in a friend, but not for more. It really sucks sometimes, since there was this guy that I absolutely adored, but he reminded me so much of a grown up version of my brother that the thought of kissing him made me ill.
That’s interesting to ponder. When I think of my “just friends” guyfriends, it was because some sort of connection wasn’t there.
It’s more than just being sexually compatible–I remember making out with one of my guyfriends one night when I wasn’t entirely in my right mind, and we were very sexually compatible, but I still wasn’t interested in him. And then I felt like a mean jerk for making out when I wasn’t interested, and didn’t want to see him anymore.
And it’s more than just being physically attracted. For example, I was always (still am) attracted to taller guys with dark hair and eyes. I’m married to a not so tall guy with blond hair and hazel eyes, and I’m not so much physically attracted to him. But I love him.
I think the question goes both ways–for men, why are some women on the “just friends” list. I know I got that a lot when I was single.
This is a hard question to answer. I’ll be pondering it this afternoon.
Really? I’d consider those entirely unacceptable traits in a friend.
Guys wind up on the “just friends” list for all sorts of reasons, both practical and pheromonal. Chemistry is a rare thing, it’s not a big surprise that most people don’t make the cut.
Let’s see…
He’s ugly, I’m not attracted to him, he still lives at home, he drinks too much, he’s lazy, he’s poorer than me, he’s an asshole to his girlfriends, he’s a fundamentalist Christian, he’s already in a relationship, he’s mentally ill and unmedicated, he’s too short for me, he’s too tall for me, he’s too old for me, he’s too young for me, we don’t have the same values, he doesn’t like children, we have vastly different lifestyles, I’m seeing someone, I’m mad at the world and don’t feel like dating at that time, I long for another, he longs for another, he has an incurable venereal disease and I know about it, he only has a short time to live, he’s too stupid for me, he’s too smart for me, he’s too fat for me, he’s too skinny for me, he wears a fannypack, he stays up all night and sleeps all day, he loves country music, his dream is to move to New Jersey, he has no sense of humor, he lives too far away, his friends/family are assholes, he doesn’t know how to dress, his breath stinks, he has open weeping sores, he’s a hardcore right-wing Republican, he’s much more of a slob than I am, he’s much more of a neat-freak than I am, he just broke up with one of my friends, I just broke up with one of his friends, he wears pants that are too short, he wears socks with sandals, he’s a cheapskate, he’s emotionally immature, or he’s chronically unemployed.
The point is, there are a thousand reasons why one person may not want to date another but could still be friends with them- what are you looking here for? Ask her.
And sometimes “I still want to be friends” is a lie.
I love one of my friends to much to change things.
I’d be afraid of losing our almost perfect friendship. We’ve almost crossed the line… I’m glad we stopped since I need him to be my forever friend. (Jayce)
*I’m going to leave what I’ve typed - in reading it looks almost stupid - but that’s my real reason.
What Alice the Goon said.
Plus, he smokes.
If the guy is sweet and funny and smart but doesn’t have some quality I need in a boyfriend or has a quality I can’t have in a boyfriend then they are on the just friends list.
If he is chronically unemployed/underemployed, if he is unable to commit to a relationship, if he is way too old or way too young for me, if we just aren’t sexually attracted to one another, etc. we can be friends but not in a relationship.
Well, I was thinking of specific examples there. One of them is a man whose face is partially paralyzed and, as a result of this, he tends to drool sometimes and has spitballs in the corners of his mouth. He’s an okay guy, but I could never bring myself to kiss him. Something beyond his control like that or some mild “dude needs to take more showers” issue isn’t going to make me stop being somebody’s friend. If I’m not going to cuddle with Hank, I really don’t care if he only uses deodorant once a week.
As for the obsessiveness and badmouthing, I’ve seen this in a lot of guy friends. I’m not talking about stalking them and making a shrine or something, just talking about a woman he isn’t in a relationship constantly, getting upset that she doesn’t feel the same way he does, deciding that there’s something wrong with her for her lack of interest, etc. If somebody does it habitually, I don’t want to be around them and have dropped friends for that kind of behavior, but a guy who does it mildly can be forgiven. We all act like idiots sometimes. I’d just never want to be in a relationship with him, since it shows he’d probably drive me crazy. I’m too laidback to handle that hyper-awareness.
Just a few…
- There are mismatched money habits. I’m a spender. If I want something and I have the money, I don’t have qualms about buying it, no matter how silly it may be. I drive savers nuts. Savers drive me nuts. I can be friends with these people, but we cannot date.
- He doesn’t like movies. I’m a film nut. See at least one in the theaters a week, but usually more like two or three. I watch DVDs all the time at home. If a guy didn’t like movies, what would we do together?
- He’s a sports guy. Watching, I mean, not playing. Although I’ve never dated a sports-player either.
- He’s a smoker.
- He’s blonde. I can’t think of a single blonde I’ve ever been attracted to. This is my one physical deal breaker. Couldn’t tell you why.
- He doesn’t like animals. About an hour ago, I spent fifteen minutes hand-feeding almonds to the squirrels outside. I’m an animal nut. A potential date doesn’t have to reach my level of nuttiness, but they do have to enjoy animals.
Of course I can be friends with men who have traits that fit this list. But I’m willing to cut far more slack from my friends than men who may be my significant other.
Some of my best friends are guys - and I’m one of those women who has always had male friends.
And the reasons they are just friends: Married (or dating) someone else, I was married or daing someone else, different values, different desires from life. I’m an ‘upper middle class’ sort of girl - I have a lot of friends I like a lot who do the Ren Faire circuit. I’m very happy for them, but choose not to participate - nor will I date anyone who does Ren Faire. Likewise, my SCA days are behind me, my Fandom days are behind me, and my willingness to participate in New Age religions is behind me - but I have friends I treasure who still do all of the above). Not attracted to me, I’m not attracted to them. Was attracted to them, dated them, broke up previously - often because one or the other of us decided the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. Smokers. Have not been great at the monogomy thing when I’ve watched them date other people.
- Smoking or thinking getting drunk is acceptable. I’m not saying, oh, you went out and had a few too many drinks than you expected once or twice. I’m saying somebody who thinks it’s Ok to get drunk with any frequency, or can’t understand how to have fun without drinking. Yeah, I don’t mind drunks but I don’t want to date one.
- Lives with his parents. I can be friends with someone who lives at home, but my independence from my parents is so valuable to me I am not willing to compromise on it.
- Too young. I have a very tight limit on dating younger men - no more than a year younger. I’m friends with lots of people of all ages, though.
Things like unpunctuality or fundamentalism, well, those people aren’t my friends, either.
I gave some thought about all my guy friends. I had a little list going, but it basically came down to…
Not hot enough.
It makes me sound shallow, but I could overlook a lot if there was serious spark. I’m sure I’ll grow out of it. 
I didn’t see us as having compatible/similar values
They didn’t excite me intellectually
They didn’t have a go-gettery attitude (towards me OR life)
They acted like they were too hot for any woman and make you feel like they’re doing you a favour by dating you
Lack of adventurous spirit. I want a guy who’s going to go with me to a new restaurant and order something even if we’ re not quite sure what it is. Someone who will travel with me.
Smells wrong. I can’t describe it, but some guys just smell right (fuckable) and some don’t.
Whines more than I can listen about his job/mom/car/whatever. I can listen to some whining, but too much becomes way too much at some point.
Hmmm. There have been more than a few guys that have landed in the ‘just friends’ category, and from there, it’s a short trip to never-seen-again. Specific examples?
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sweetheart of a guy, but so passive I would have ended up walking all over him in a romantic relationship, and that’s not who I want to be.
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again, a sweet guy, but so clearly years behind me in his priorities that dating would have been silly.
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showed up at my doorstep for a date talking about how much fun the nitro he’d just inhaled was, made a point of saying that I was a lot smarter than he’d thought. The ‘just friends’ speech was very much a formality, understood on both sides as ‘go away’.
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first date, turned to me and said, “can I ask you an important question?” My policy is you can ask, but I reserve the right not to answer. He went off for five minutes about a situation with his wife and how they split the kids’ medical bills. Dude, you’re not ready for prime time.
More than anything, though, it comes up when the gentleman in question makes it clear that he’s not looking for a girlfriend, but a friend, a mother, or some other non-sexual relationship. I’d say that nearly all the time, they’re not even aware that’s what’s going on.
Heh, I’m a guy, and my long-time best friend is a woman - for basically this reason.
For most people “being friends” is just another term for “see you later”. For me, having a good friend is far, far more important than just another date - after all, I’ve had the same friend for over 20 years, through many an adventure. If we had dated, I doubt I would know her at all any more.
I don’t think being “shallow” in this sense is a bad thing. You can’t control what you are attracted to. For me, and I suspect for most guys, for a woman to be in their “just friends” list means, mainly, they are not attractive enough. Of course, there are other reasons, and exceptions, but that is the #1 reason.
I’ve found all the responses so far very informative and interesting, but I must say I’m a bit surprised by the number of practical reasons people bring up in this thread. e.g. he smells or gets drunk often. Of course you don’t want to date someone who smells or gets drunk often. (I’m not even sure why you would even want to be friends with this type of person). When I posed the question in the OP, I assumed, but was not clear in spelling it out, that the question should be taken to apply to men who don’t have any glaringly obvious bad traits (e.g. they smell bad). Also, it only applies when both you and he are single and unattached.
This is interesting. It reminds me of some research where women were given the shirts of men to smell and rate and I believe they picked shirts that had the same types of pheremones/smell as their dads.