This is a hard question for me to ask, but I think it’s time for my dad to move out of his house and into assisted living or near to me or, preferably, both. He’s adamantly opposed to even discussing this. He (usually) agrees he should move, but thinks a condo with a 24/7 desk attendant in the lobby would be sufficient, and I don’t believe that’s true now. In any case, he’s been condo shopping for the past four years, has said he hates every one of the dozens he’s seen, and has little to no memory of this process. I could really use some advice on how to convince him it’s time.
I assume that he has dementia. This is going to be very tough for the both of you. For him, even before Covid 19, an assisted living facility was a death sentence. Now? If money is no object, hire nurses to care for him. If it is, have him live with you.
I hope things work out for the best.
The talk was hard and fell on deaf ears. They are alone none of us live nearby. Then my dad fell at home which led to 18 mos nursing home stay. When he finally got back his strength He and my mom could not adequately provide for themselves together. Dad knew there was no going home and we knew they wouldn’t be safe there anymore. My folks moved to a nearby assisted living place, pay monthly and have a very nice apt, plenty of natural light big bathroom. Includes Home cooked meals, laundry, housekeeping, transportation, medication management. Cable tv must have AMC, daily paper. Admittedly they’re on lock down right now, meals in their room. Many activities cancelled. But they can walk about with a mask. It’s very nice hotel like surroundings. Nothing like a nursing home. Life is easy and good.
After my dad fell and couldn’t get up, I convinced him that he needed to move. My mom’s dementia was pretty bad and was unable to take care of herself. I’m really lucky that he didn’t fight me on it. I posted a thread about it that you might be able to glean some advice from.
Good luck!
It’s a very hard thing. Mr.Wrekker had to do this with his parents.
He got the car and keys removed against their wishes. They couldn’t pass the eye test at the DMV so it wasn’t a choice anymore.
He added to their monies to keep them home as long as he could. It was horrible. Everyday brought a new upheaval. When his Dad fell and broke his leg that put him in the nursing facility. He had no choice but go.
He kicked up a fuss but he went.
I suggest do not wait til an injury makes it mandatory.
It’s hard, I know.
Good luck
The thing is you do not want him to move multiple times. Once is hard enough. See if that tact works.
No advice for the OP, just support here. I’m facing the same problem and any attempts to discuss this with parents or sibling are deflected. They literally interrupt me and start talking about something else. I cannot get this subject discussed or planned and they absolutely will not allow it in conversations.
My wife and I have talked at length, and resigned ourselves to waiting for a disaster to force the issue. My only solution is daily phone contact with them and being ready to launch a rescue mission when I fail to reach them. I dread what I may find after no contact for a day (and a day-long drive to get there). One parent is a stroke-victim and completely helpless – cannot even dial a phone. The other is 86 and barely able to provide care. Sibling is handicapped and cannot drive (live two days away by car). My only preparation is making sure I have phone numbers of their few friends nearby so I can send someone to check if I lose contact.
I’ve little to add to what I’ve posted in the several similar past threads, other than to suggest that if he resists assisted living, it might make more sense for him to rent than to buy. Some assisted living places are “zoned”, with units that are essentially apartments, allowing transfer to increased assistance as it is needed.
It is not entirely clear to me from your OP why YOU feel he needs something more than the condos he wants with on-premise security. How about adding in occasional caregiver visits?
Is he so far gone that you feel you are the only adult in the conversation, and that you ought to be making decisions for him. Not intending insult, just asking. Because that point will likely come sooner or later. It can be really hard to tell how much care is needed when. And it can be near impossible to try to assess how long things will last at various states, or how slow or quick the decline.
It MIGHT be of use to get the doctor to assist - if the doctor agrees with your assistance that assisted living is warranted.
heck, you are likely motivated - in part at least - by a desire to reduce the time, effort and emotions required of YOU. That’s perfectly legitimate. Just be honest w/ yourself.
That is a tenuous situation just waiting for the other shoe to fall. Is all meal prep and cleaning and shopping still the responsibility of your one parent? And probably a lack of socialization too. That was my mom home alone while my dad was getting royal care at the nursing home. She was sliding into an abyss of eating little, drinking alcohol lots, skipping meds, unable to preform housekeeping enough that we’d arrive to dirty bathrooms, piled up dishes. Yeah one or two close friends and a neighbor kept an eye out. Not enough and too much to ask.
She didn’t like to talk about moving but my dad was keen to leave the nursing home and my mom missed him terribly and leaned on him heavily for emotional support. So she followed him, she came to terms with downsizing everything. Encouraged us to take what we wanted from the house and we sold it.
About a month later mom fell at the apartment. Passed out. Spent a few days in hospital getting rehydrated and heart stable. Now we have med mgt for her too as she does not comply on her own.
Push it Pullin Visit some places get your parents input, say just curious no pressure just in case, talk up the scenarios of what if?
Sometimes a parent is reluctant to accept this kind of information from their child. He might be more open to the possibility if he heard it from some outsider, like a doctor.
It’s a shame that aging parents and adult children can’t have more frank conversations about such topics.
It becomes worse if you have siblings that are not all on the same page.
My father has Alzheimers, but his good day to bad day ration is about 50/50. My mother is his primary caregiver, but her physical health is slowly deteriorating. My father is aware of his condition, on good days. He sees a neurologist. We took away his car and removed all the guns from the house about 4 years ago. He resisted, but told him it wasn’t an option. He also has a GPS tracker on his key chain. He’s a creature of habit. No matter what his day is going to be like, he has his keys, wallet, and pocket knife on him.
Fortunately, my two siblings and I are all on the same page. We recently had my older brother obtain power of attorney over both of my parents, mainly in the case that something severe were to happen to my mother.
Over the next six months we have tasked our mother with locating a facility, where she can drop my father off for day care from time to time, and to also locate a facility (if not the same facility) where my dad will eventually go for full time care, potentially for the both of them.
Being pragmatic, straightforward and fully honest about these things is the best. Depending upon your relationship with your parents, YMMV.
Pullin, having gone through something like this with my mother two years ago, I can suggest three things–POA, it will make life easier when it’s time to clean up messes, install some web cams, so you can see if someone is on the floor, and if all else fails, enlist the local constabulary for wellness checks.
Hallelujah and pass the chicken to the POA. Get one ASAP.
For a durable POA consider using someone who specializes in Elder law.
Our kids convinced my wife and me to move to a condo. But it was hard and neither of us is showing any dementia (well, she isn’t; let someone else judge whether I am). Best thing we ever did. We’ve been here a year and a week.
They (wisely) bought long term care insurance back when it was affordable. As a result they have home-health aides in twice daily. They help move and clean Mom, and do light housekeeping. Their environment is kept pretty well, but my Dad is convinced no one (on Earth) can be trusted with Mom, so he refuses any outside activity and only ventures away when necessary. Even with my wife and the aide there to provide care, a simple lunch outing with me is declined.
Requests for POA for me have been refused outright, but my sibling might have it. Like I said, the subject is impossible and my queries are usually deflected. Me: “Dad, can we talk about what to do in case you’re ill and I need to make decisions about Mom?” Father: “I think she’s awake, I’ve gotta go check.” And I’m talking to an empty chair again. He’s laid down an absolute requirement of being cell-phone tethered 24/7/365 and my handicapped sibling provides this, having little else to occupy time. Any phone call not immediately answered is grounds for refusing me. Although I’m the only one left who can actually travel and help.
I have got a doctor neighbor’s number (not their doc) and also old nearby friend. They are willing to help with welfare checks, and one has a house key. I also, finally finally, got signing authority on their main bank accounts. They absolutely refuse any sort of online bank activity (still insisting on tellers and handwritten checks), but I have online access and can watch for fraud or unusual activity. This is a huge relief.
This is what happened in my case. My dad’s doctor told him it was not safe for him to live alone in his rented house any longer and then decided to move to an assisted living apartment. I didn’t have to do any convincing. Getting the doctor on board can probably help progress the conversation.