He didn't match for internship and we are really upset.

Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)
#1

Fuck! How could this happen?

Last year, he didn’t get a single interview and he was devastated, and we had to put our lives on hold for another year. But each year, about 25% of people don’t get matched at all, so we figured another year of clinical experience and he’d be good to go.

This year, he had 10 interviews - when the typical number is 3 or 4. He spent a month flying all over the country. Thousands of dollars. The interviews went so well. People in his department were referencing him as the great success story to give others hope.

We wanted so badly to end up in Chicago, because it’s closer to home, the same city as my best friend, doesn’t require driving, etc. We thought, this is it. This summer we’re finally going to settle down, put our roots somewhere, have children, and get on with the rest of life. Worst case scenario, we’d end up in Rochester (no offense, Rochester.) We were on pins and needles this morning waiting to find out where we’d end up.

But I never in my life dreamed this would happen. He didn’t fucking match. Again. He worked so hard you guys. God it just breaks my heart seeing him like this. He doesn’t deserve this. He’s so brilliant and hard-working and good. I know you probably think I’m biased, but people who know him all agree with me. Objectively, he deserves all the success in the world.

So what does this mean, practically? Another year hundreds of miles from home, completely isolated from family and close friends, another year waiting to have children, another year of horrible commutes in New Jersey. And we do have to move south again, because I’m 90 minutes from my current job and just cannot do another year of this commute.

There is a Match 2 process, but the chances are slim and he’ll have to go through the process all over again in the next month.

I don’t even know what we’re going to do. I don’t even think he has funding for another year. Shit fuck fuck shit GAH!

On preview: I’m talking about my husband and it’s for clinical psychology internship. The only thing he has standing between himself and a Ph.D. is completing internship.)

#2

Oh my. I can understand how that could be devastating. It’s a dog eat dog world out there anymore, and I feel for anyone trying to land a job. I’m crossing my fingers that something will work out in round 2.

My only advice is to try and quit thinking of “home” as somewhere else. Home is wherever you make a life. Instead of looking at where you are as sloppy seconds, try embracing the town and enjoying it for what it is. I say this with 20/20 hindsight because shortly after we were married, my husband was transferred to NYC. Instead of enjoying the experience, I spent the year sulking and pining for my old hometown. In retrospect, that was really foolish of me. Great people and great experiences can be found anywhere.

Good luck to you both.

#3

that sucks about being stuck where you are. if he comes from a rich family why is money such a concern? can’t he get help to move or wait it out?

#4

First of all, I don’t know if money is a concern or not. I have no idea what is going on. He’s meeting with his mentor today and hopefully they’ll work out the nuts and bolts of next steps.

We have never asked his family for money. Which isn’t to say they haven’t given us any - we would be a LOT worse off if it weren’t for them. But we’ve never asked and we’ve never come to them when we had real financial problems in the past. If it really came down to it and we were going to be homeless, then yeah, we’d ask for money. Otherwise, no.

To be honest, I am way more worried about our quality of life over the next two years than I am about money. We have a limited social network out here and moving all the time is hard.

#5

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a setback! How frustrating for both of you.

I know you’re being pretty negative right now so hopefully once you process this you’ll both be doing better. But, attitude controls altitude (from a pilot friend of mine). If you think the year will suck, it WILL. What can you do to make this a positive? Can you expand your “limited social circle” by finding other couples who like to do things you do? Have you ever looked at meetup.com? A couple I know was having financial and health setbacks and were pretty depressed, but they’re new people since they discovered geocaching and have made friends with others who like to do it.

Try to find a way to make the year worthwhile, not a chore to be endured. What would be a great story to tell your future kids? “…so your Dad and I thought all was lost, but then we…”

Good luck!

#6

I’m sorry he didn’t land an internship this year. Was there any explanation about why not? Just too many applicants?

Why can’t you move now to where you want to be? Is he physically tied to his school for another year while he waits for an internship, or can he move away, stay in touch, and go back as needed to complete things? What is he doing in between “matching” rounds? Seems to me that getting the hell out of the place you’re in is a serious priority for you, so you should probably focus on making that happen above all else.

#7

Strictly from a sales perspective of having people or organizations cotton to you if someone continues to be rejected they are often giving an off vibe in interviews or interactions they don’t see.

Have someone older who is not his work or social buddy but is in his field give a critical evaluation of how he is presenting himself. If he continues to be swatted back there may be something you guys are not seeing in his interactions.

#8

My SIL (who is a doctor) gave me to understand that if a person doesn’t get matched, the deans move heaven & earth to resolve it, as otherwise it’s a black mark against the school.

Your post makes it seem like he’s totally on his own. Are you sure that’s true?

#9

Where in Jersey are you? If you are very near NYC my husband and I will gladly spend some time with you two! We are always thrilled to have more people join us at the museum or theater or whatever.

#10

I’m mostly sure that’s true. I think his mentor can help him swing an externship, hopefully close by, but I don’t think anything can be done about the internship.

Maybe. Right now I have a 99% guaranteed job for at least the next two years, and he does not. If we moved away from my job, that would put me in the job applicant pool, the one that took me 10 months to climb out of after I graduated with my MSW. We might be able to survive on my income alone, but there is no way we’ll survive without it.

As for what’s he’s been up to, ever since he defended his dissertation he’s been running himself ragged getting clinical experience, doing research and trying to get his research published (his Master’s thesis was published and he wants to build off of that work.) He works about 12 hours a day, on average. Beyond that, I don’t know. Sorry, we’ve never done this before, and had not expected it to happen at all. We’ve spent years with this kind of uncertainty but it’s particularly poignant at the moment.

Yeah, there will be time for all that problem-solving, cognitive restructuring stuff. Mentally I’m already getting there - this is probably best for my career, to be honest, because I’ll get an additional year of experience at a great job before transferring. And maybe we can move near a nice park or something. Yay.

But right now is the time to grieve, because this is a loss of sorts. And also he’s already working on his applications for Match 2. Match 2 applications are due next Thursday. He doesn’t get a chance to breathe, you see. Ever. So he’s just going to have to write cover letters through his tears and get on with life. This is my beautiful, strong, bold, brave husband.

You know, it might give us some sense of control if I believed there were something wrong with his interviewing skills - but I don’t. He did not used to be that great of an interview, but he has practiced and consulted with others in the field and did incredible amounts of prep work. When I spent 10 months unemployed after graduating with my Master’s degree, I learned that you can be great, really really great, and still get the shit end of the stick because the odds are just so stacked against you. So many times after an interview I’d get, ‘‘We LOVED you - but…’’ People don’t realize how bad it is until they’ve been there. I was worried this would happen to him, but I thought it wouldn’t happen until after he was done with school. It’s fucking brutal. It’s a brave new world.

#11

New Brunswick, and yes, we would totally spend time with you. Especially if you are, as you say, under a pile of kitties.

#12

Olives, I am so sorry. That’s got to be a kick in the head.

And speaking of a pile of kitties, I prescribe one for you apply PRN.

#13

Kitties, a french bulldog and a baby! We have 150% of your daily cuteness requirements.

#14

I wasn’t at all trying to be critical and I’m sorry if I came off that way. I’ve never been through that sort of thing either, and I was trying to figure out what the school expects him to do for a year in between “no internship for you”. I just thought maybe, if he didn’t physically need to keep attending the school, you guys could try and move back “home” instead of waiting it out somewhere you’re so obviously unhappy.

Is it worth it for you to throw job applications towards the Chicago area and see if anything sticks? Stay where you are (so you’re not uprooting before you have a job lined up) and wait to see if you get a job offer that would make a move to Chicago feasible. Seems to me there’s not much to lose in trying, anyhow. If it doesn’t work, you stay in New Jersey and tough it out. If you do get a viable job offer, you guys haul ass to Chicago and your husband does his school stuff remotely (if that’s possible) till they can get him his internship.

Whatever happens, I wish you both the best of luck. You’ll get through it.

#15

That made me giggle. How could I not? Kittens! Thank you.

#16

Not at all. I appreciate everyone for listening.

There are little bright spots here. My boss, for example, was so understanding he had no problem with me taking a personal day to go be with Sr. Olives. Our neighbor/close friend cancelled all her scheduled appointments today and tonight she and her fiance are cooking us dinner. People care and they have shown it.

It just helps me to write about it. I’ve actually been incredibly stressed out lately due to pressure at work, and I think one of Sr. Olives’ greatest fears about this was that I would fall apart mentally (some of you might recall I am rather neurotic.) I am holding up quite well, well enough to take care of him. It’s good to be the strong one for a change.

#17

Olives, all I have for you are my prayers, virtual hugs, & this. ((((Olives & Sr. Olives)))))

#18

I’m not sure what exactly our SO does other than it’s in clinical environment. It’s loyal of you to believe that his interview technique and personal presentation is faultless, but I’m in sales, and just as common sense observation if you keep getting “no thanks” and everybody else gets picked … but you… twice now… you might want to look beyond the luck of the draw. There’s a lot of subjective aspects to the way a person comes across in interviews that their wife, mom or co-worker buddies might not be attuned to.

If he was perceived as that great he would have gotten the nod. Something is out of whack if he’s amazing but not getting picked, and it might be something you cannot see or judge objectively. A third pair of eyes completely outside your social circle that has experience choosing people like your husband would be a valuable asset.

#19

I’m so sorry, Olives :frowning: I can’t imagine how rough this must be for you two. hugs

#20

He needs to do some soul-searching about the real reason he hasn’t closed the deal.

My guess: if he can get interviews, but not an internship offer, he probably doesn’t interview well. If you think this is the case, invest some money in getting him a job coach. I got myself one, and she rigorously prepared me with interview skills. It helped me tremendously to be able to project the kind of cool, confident energy and enthusiasm that people who are hiring look for.

Best of luck!