There are lots of things that I don’t want to do before I die. Obviously. For example, in my unenviable medical history, the only orifice that doctors have not yet shoved some sort of implement up is my nose, and I’d like to keep it that way. It goes without saying that I want to avoid awful shit. That’s not interesting at all.
But what about those traditional bucket-list items which crop up all the time? There are “standard”, well-known bucket-list items which I just don’t get – they hold no appeal for me whatsoever. I can think of three right off the top of my head, things that I’ll happily die without having done. But for now, I’ll just tell you about one of them – swimming with dolphins. What the hell for? Why in the hell would I do that?
For a start I don’t like swimming, particularly in the sea. But more important than that – who says the dolphins want to swim with me? They’re just going about their business, trying to catch something for tea, and some uninvited jackass turns up, splashing around, scaring the fish away and invading their personal space – and this is a good idea? I’ll tell you what, when I receive a written invitation from a dolphin, then I’ll think about getting my swimmies and waterwings out. Until that point, I’ll do the decent thing and leave the poor bastards alone.
So that’s definitely on my anti-Bucket List. Now, tell me what’s on yours - what have you got?
Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of places I’d like to see. If I could just transport there, Star Trek-style, I’d be all over it. But the conventional way sounds like a logistical nightmare. What with the overreaction in airport security since 9/11, then being packed into an airplane like a sardine for 14 hours, then more fun at airports on arrival… Then having to go! go! go! nonstop for however long I’m there, trying to get everything in… And then another long, grueling airport/flying experience coming home… No thanks. It sounds like way more trouble and effort and frustration than it would be worth.
I’ll skydive only after the third engine fails. Not before.
A big fat No for piercings and tattoos. I’ve never seen one that added to the persons attractiveness or made them the slightest bit more interesting. I’m sure the same would be said of me.
I have zero interest in travelling to any part of Africa, South America or Asia. Europe and Australia are fine.
It’s unlikely I will ever skydive, but who the hell knows.
No on scuba diving.
Definitely no swimming with the dolphins.
Not interested in a three-or-moresome.
No bungee jumping.
A tattoo is very unlikely, though I’ve never explicitly ruled it out. There’s just nothing I could think of that I would want permanently tattooed on my body, but it’s not inconceivable.
Definitely no piercings, though.
No desire to try any drugs stronger than pot (no interest in LSD or shrooms or anything like that, and definitely no interest in coke, heroin, meth, etc.)
Skydiving.
Swimming in the ocean.
Ziplining.
Traveling most places in the world. (I’m not adventurous. I like my amenities, comfy bed, and first-world hygiene standards.)
Going on a cruise (too many people, too many potential ways to get sick).
Trying drugs (vaguely interested in trying pot to see what it’s like, and if LSD were legal I might give it a shot, but no)
Attend Mardi Gras in New Orleans. From what I saw on the show Cops it seems like little more than Drunken Idiot Fest.
Scuba diving doesn’t interest me. I’m not sure why. I usually like collecting experiences, and I wouldn’t say no to a skydive. I think the whole needing a tank to breathe thing puts me off.
Seeing the Mona Lisa. Beats me why a very average painting get all that attention.
Biking to Sturgis. Motorcycling killed my grandfather, and cost my brother a leg below the knee. Two different accidents, years apart. Not risking a third.
Anything involving religion. I’ve had quite enough, thank you.
The museum it’s in has one or two other paintings that are worth seeing. Couple of statues too. I wouldn’t recommend going just for the Mona Lisa but when you are there for the rest you might as well check it out.
So you’re going to remain in your own little hovel for the rest of your life, and not step out of your comfort zone and go see another country? How can you lead such a sheltered life? Part of the fun is getting out there and exploring other places, and meeting other people. I’m going to Taiwan and Japan in a few weeks and I can’t wait to get there!
Save a few of your minor inconveniences, the world is your oyster. Open it up and you will find your pearl.