Ok. I know what some of you are going to say. Jack, maybe it’s you. I guarantee you it’s not me. I may not be a perfect person or the best guitarist in the world, but what I had to sit through at open jam last night was the last straw for me.
Here’s the thing … a few weeks ago I got into a little argument with someone because they told me what to play in an impolite manner, so I took a few weeks off from jamming to get a little perspective. Last night I went back for the first time in two weeks and it’s like there’s someone with a hidden camera throwing irritants at me just to see how I’ll react.
The very first set I had to play last night was horrible, but at least I knew what was coming.
The players:
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Me - I’m pretty good. I’m not going on tour anytime soon, but I know all my chords and all my scales in all the keys, so I can hang.
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Richard the Butcher on Bass. He just plays a million notes at random, not in any key and not holding down any sort of rhythm. I’ve spoken of him before. He sucks.
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Summer on guitar: she’s like 21 years old and she’s been playing for like 6 months. Need I say more? I don’t want to shit on her but she just doesn’t have the ability yet. She needs more practice.
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Moaning Jackie: this weird goth woman who looks like she just crawled out of the TeeVee in The Ring who thinks she’s Nina Simone but she’s closer to a dog with a bone. She’s a “vocalist” who literally moans her vocals out of key and she thinks she’s being sexy.
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And a decent drummer who I never played with before.
We get up on stage and say, “what key?” Richard and Summer look at each other and start playing randomly without uttering a word of communication. It was basically nothing. So I offered, “A Minor?” They said, “okay,” so I stared just strumming a little rhythm on one chord. They keep doing the exact same random shit they were just doing and Jackie starts her moaning. The drummer and I literally looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders at the same time. 8 minutes worth and the horror was over.
Then …
I’m sitting outside minding my own business and Jackie comes up to me to strike up a conversation. At first I thought she was going to try to pick me up, but then she told me that I played too loud. At first I just said, “oh, sorry, I guess I didn’t realize.”
She continued. “And you weren’t even trying to play with the other two.”
My brain short circuited, but I remained calm. “Well, they weren’t really playing anything. It was just sort of random.”
After some back and forth about the merits of actual keys, she told me, “You don’t listen.”
That was it.
“What the fuck? I don’t listen?” And I unloaded everything that was pent up - “this guy just plays a million notes, Summer can’t play at all, it’s that fucking simple, and you can’t fucking sing. In fact the drummer and I were the only two musicians on that stage so I’m not about to take this kind of shit from you!”
She screws up her face and decides to insult my playing, “you just sound the same all the time.”
“I sound the same? Have you listened to yourself? Oooohhooohhoohhhooohh” ( perfect imitation of vocals right to her face) “that’s what you sound like every time.”
She stormed off and I calmly went in got my guitar, remembering my pedal this time, and left. Fuck that. It is not worth the aggravation to constantly be insulted by these tone deaf assholes.
Again, this is not me. I know it sounds like, “maybe you’re the musical problem”. I promise you this isn’t Dunning-Kruger, it’s musical appreciation 101.