Hello & questions re baby blues

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hi the Dope, I am new here. Been a lurker for several years and didn’t get around posting much at all. I found the Dope by random searching on the internet and knew the instant this is the place I was going to stay. It has became my habit now to read the threads that interest me before bed and feeling connected to a wider community of Dopers.

A little self introduction: I am a new mother, and is currently pursuing a PhD in mental health related area.

I also have a beautiful daughter who is 7.5 months old. After the adrenaline rush I experienced as a new mother, after all the excitement has worn off, I am finding that I am having some major baby blues. I was enjoying the first few months after her birth tremendously, but now I am feeling too overwhelmed to carry on.

I am having insomnia, and experiencing heart palpitations at night when I was trying to rest. my SO and I and the LO sleep in the same room. And I constantly stress about whether and when the LO is going to wake us all up in the middle of the night. Sometimes I worry about stuff like SIDS happening to my LO.

At times I lie awake in the middle of the night, thinking what if I have never had her; or what might happen if I was never married. Make no mistake, my SO and I are great together and he is a good husband. But honestly in the deeper corner of my mind I knew I wasn’t ‘cut out’ to be a mother or a wife. I enjoy being alone. I enjoy freedom too much. Many times I fight back to urge to walk out of the door and jump on a plane, going to some place and find myself and do what I have always wanted to do- to experience different cultures, to learn different languages, to do volunteer work over the globe. I felt like I was never meant to be ‘tied down’ .

We also have hired a nanny for my girl. I find that I am unable to relax, with, or without the nanny around. Basically I am constantly a bundle of nerves, worrying and stressing about my girl’s wellbeing. I tried going out, taking a stroll, for example, which usually helps. It does, for a short while, and before long I would start imagining all sorts of crazy things about what is happening to my girl with the nanny. They are all irrational thoughts and I do know that I worry too much.

Now, I know it really does sound like a text book case of post partum depression / general anxiety and whatnot, and I will not argue otherwise. I have talked with my SO about this and he suggested that I see a professional. To me while I know medications may help with the symptoms (of paranoia for example), it does nothing to treat the cause- that I have a loss of self identity that I fear I will never be myself again. I wanted so much to be someone else I am not. I needed to have some new insights, some new thinking, someone that can talk me out of this way.

Lastly, I do want to stress that I do love my daughter tremendously and the last thing I want is to part ways with her. But at the same time sticking around is stressing me out so much, I hate to admit it, but sometimes I dread and get frustrated when I babysit her, then guilt will consume me. The vicious cycle goes on and on…:frowning:

Dopers, I know your bunch is sensible and logical, like I am (at least I was, or I hope to be). Please talk some sense into me, or share your experience…

2

Hello and welcome to the SDMB!

I am also a relatively new mother, so I can relate to the fact that it’s a huge life adjustment.

Please, please take your SO’s advice and see a professional. The thing that jumps out at me from your post is that you seem to really separate what you see as the symptoms from what you believe is the cause. But from how you describe your situation, I would explore the possibility that PPD is contributing significantly to the cause, in that it could be preventing you from making rational evaluations and decisions about your (totally reasonable) need to be an independent person with your own identity.

So far, my own biggest take-away from parenting is “there’s more than one way to skin a cat.” Two of the things you associate with jumping on a plane can be done no matter where you live - learning a new language and doing meaningful volunteer work.

Once you work with a professional to get the PPD (or whatever issue is impacting you) under control, you can start figuring out what are the needs and interests underlying the things you say you want. I agree that exotic foreign travel isn’t the easiest when you have a baby, so what about the foreign travel sparks your interest, and how can you get that need met in a different way? If it is really learning about another culture, and doing service work, then look for opportunities to do that – and I bet there are some that could include your daughter if you want. I’ve volunteered at an agency that assists new immigrants - they have a parenting resources group for moms, so hey, everyone else brought a baby, I’ll bring my baby. Worked out fine.

I guess I am worried that you see being a parent to a baby, and having a rewarding independent life with a strong sense of self as two mutually exclusive things. I don’t believe this is true at all. One big thing, though, is that it takes a little more advance planning once you’ve got a baby. In my example above, clearly not all volunteer opportunities are appropriate to bring a baby along – you’re going to have to put in a little more scouting time to find something that makes sense. Having a nanny gives you some great logistic advantages here as well.

Parenting is definitely a balancing act, and there isn’t a road map because it’s different for everyone. It helps to be emotionally flexible and a creative thinker. PPD could be a big part of what is hindering flexibility and creativity when it comes to how you process your role as a parent.

3

Welcome! :slight_smile:

Any particular reason you’re all sleeping in the same room?

It’s OK to feel overwhelmed, by the way - everyone does at some point!

4

Gretel - hail thee to a professional, STAT! While medications may not solve the underlying problems, what they can do is get you to a calm place where you can rationally think things through. Anxiety feeds on itself, to the point that you feel anxious because you’re feeling anxious. And it is hard to think rationally when your heart is racing, your throat is constricting, and you feel dizzy.

I have an anxiety disorder. The meds haven’t “cured” my anxiety, but they certainly take the edge off enough that I can live my life… as a trial attorney… with a new baby.

As a new mother myself, I feel like sometimes I am all over the place. I feel like I’m constantly doing the wrong thing, or should be doing other things better. There is so much mommy guilt, but Delphica is right, there is more than one way to skin a cat. Don’t beat yourself up. But do get yourself some xanax.

5

Thanks for the kind words.

As for the reason why we’re all sleeping in the same room, I am not in the U.S., and apartments here is tiny- there is basically no room for the baby now except for her crib to be in our room. when she’s bigger though (like 1-2 years old) we will have to remodel the study room to make it into her room:(

6

Thanks peeps for the encouragements. While I am not rushing to see a professional just yet- i am definitely considering that path. The thing is it seems like a mood swing to me, there are good, and there are bad days. It’s not like I am consistently and constantly sad. I generally feel melancholic especially in the morning and afternoon, but am generally a happier person in the evening when my SO gets back from work and I have someone to talk to. My day peaks when the LO is asleep so I get some me-time.

I do agree that I have to think things through rationally. I am trying my best to do some positive self talk to myself on a daily basis. Tonight I went out with a few girls and felt connected once and again with the world and with my friends. So the “symptoms” are kind of circumstantial- which also makes me wonder whether I really am clinically depressed or it is something more trivial…

7

You said you’re pursuing a PhD. Is it safe to assume you didn’t take a semester off for maternity leave? It sounds like, in addition to potential mental health issues, you may legitimately be burning out–too much to do, too few hours in which to do it. It may break you eventually, unless you do something ASAP.

I know you said you have a nanny, does she take the child outside of the house with her? Do you ever have time for yourself? Do you ever have date nights with your partner? It might be nice if you have any family you can rely on to babysit overnight sometimes. You’re obviously intelligent and driven, given that you’re pursuing a PhD. But that doesn’t make you Superwoman. Everybody has a limit, and you should do something before you’re pushed beyond it.

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First, Postpartum Support International. Yes, International. An amazing organization.

Hormonal whipsaw, huge psychosocial adjustments, lack of sleep … who are those 7 out of 8 who don’t have some serious mental health issues?

You have insomnia and free floating anxiety that you attempt to explain away. Yes, you are right. It’s pretty textbook. And pretty common. And pretty treatable. And it gets better.

“Help” does not automatically mean meds. There are lots of forms of help. Meds may or may not be indicated. Help definitely is.

FWIW my wife had severe PPD three times (youngest bio child now 18) … and the thing both of us will say about postpartum mental illness is that as miserable as it can be (and it was, for both of us) it is an illness that you have something to show for having survived on the other side.

BTW, whether or not you are at a place to believe it right now, you can still experience different cultures, learn different languages, and do volunteer work over the globe with a child in tow. People do all the time. Added bonus: the kid will get to do all those things too! Right now though job one is to take care of yourself so you can take care of that child and get to doing the rest of your life adventures together.

9

You may want to see how you score on the Edinburgh. (pdf). (And of course if item 10’s answer is anything other than “never” get help NOW!)