I’m trying to recall the last time we took any of the kids to a party that did not explicitly say “stuff for kids”. Weddings, funerals and graduations in the family unless told (never, so far) No Kids.
But parties? Most of the time I stayed home and Himself went because I liked being with my kids and internet and books and really am anti-social/anxiety etc… On the rare occasion as the kids got older it was Us and no kids. Grandma/Nanna was ecstatic to have them over night. (Or longer… she took 2 of mine, a niece and another nephew for a week to an amusement park … I bless that woman because 3 days out of my house is almost too long let alone how different that crew of kids was.)
But there was that one party where I had fun getting hammered, there were other (all ages) kids around that I enjoyed interacting with and they went to bed early enough, great music, big fire… it was all good Friday nite fun. We went home before sundown on Saturday which had me puzzled until the Mister explained. Saturday night was ADULT night… as in swinging and swapping and no kids.
Yeah, while I was sad about not going mud bogging again… Nope, not our thing.
Almost all the parties we have at our house have always been “no kids – sorry”. Anyone who knows us well enough to be invited understands. And while some have had to skip now and then due to lack of a babysitter or such, we’ve never had any flak or issues from putting it down right from the first.
I say invite your friends who have kids. Let them make the decision of whether they should come without their kids or stay away. Now, if you know some people who are irresponsible enough to come with their kids even when asked not to, then maybe don’t invite them…
Agreed, not many close friends + open ended hours is potentially a recipe for disaster. The problem is, you need a critical mass for a party to get started. If people arrive who you aren’t close to and there’s not many other people in the house, then they’re going to feel uncomfortable and want to leave fairly quickly after that which means the next group of people to arrive are also coming to an empty house and feeling uncomfortable.
The key to a good drop-in party is to assemble a good core group of friends who are willing to be there for a substantial part of the day and keep the party rolling. Once you assemble a critical mass to keep the party bumping, it only grows from there as people are more willing to stick around.
If I were you, I’d timebox it to something 3 hours or less to make sure everyone arrives promptly and is in the same room at the same time. Make plans to extend the party if its still lively and active at the end of the 3 hours but don’t force it. Ideally, have some kind of “event” about an hourish into the party that people would want to be there to participate (eg: unveiling of some kind of centerpiece food or some live performance or cutting of the cake).
I was going to type something similar to this, but Shalmanese said it perfectly!
You need a specific structure, and with a definite arrival/departure times.
Have a menu well prepared. Order from a caterer, or better yet…do simple cookout-style hamburgers on a grill. Even in your tiny back yard.
A bunch of strangers standing around can get awkward . But if there’s a grill getting a little smokey and smelling of tantalizing flavors, it will act as a focal point, and break the ice.
Also, as an ice breaker…start with a very well -filled table of finger foods, nicely displayed, and easy to reach. (you can order a couple large platters from a caterer or a deli.)
Have lots of (open!) bottles of various sodas, and yes, a few cans or bottles of beer on the table. So you have a nature focal point to begin with, where folks feel comfortable reaching for the food and drink. (Remember, nobody will feel comfortable pouring themselves the last cup of cola, leaving an empty bottle–it looks selfish. The same is true about taking the last deviled egg off the platter, or spreading the last bit of dip on their cracker. So have a much larger-than-necessary supply of various finger foods and sodas; it will help everybody feel comfortable to help themselves to whatever they want. If after the party, you have to throw half of it out, uneaten, that’s fine. Much better than not having enough to make people feel welcome.
Also be prepared for a kid or two–have a corner with with a coloring book and crayons, and maybe a Lego set. Don’t leave the kid’s stuff in its wrappers–open them up , ready for use.
Yes, it may seem silly to go out and buy crayons and Legos that may never get used. But it’s worth the expense. You want all your guests to feel at ease, and enjoy themselves.
You are trying to make a good impression, and widen your social circle. That means making your casual friends feel very comfortable…so they become better friends.
Good luck, and enjoy!
Anybody shows up with kids, you just direct them to the playground down the street, and remind them that your guests will not defer to your kids, that your grill will not defer to your children’s demands, and that your child is nobody special.
Just say, “no kids.” Saves a lot of time and trouble.
Yeah, I was trying to think how to say this. A long open-ended party only works if you expect a lot of people to show up and for many of them to stay for a long time. It CAN work – I go to one every year. But an open house where only one person has shown up feels weird. I’ve hosted that party. (After an hour, some more people showed up, and it was fine. But that first hour was really awkward.)
Lots of good stuff here. Our friends are very disparate in that most don’t know each other. Again, starting over after shunning isn’t easy. Our first friends were our cleaning clients. The good news is that some of them referred us to their friends so we had pockets of people that new each other, but otherwise it’s a bunch of one offs. But my wife had all of those one offs at her birthday brunch and they got along great. The same will likely go with mine. I think that on some level I thought a stop in would alleviate pressure to talk to strangers some, but again you can’t know who will be there or if no one will. A more defined event will likely work better, as I can see through your input, which I greatly appreciate.
Just adding my input as another parent who wouldn’t be upset by a no-kids rule. It might mean I can’t go but that’s no big deal.
It’s also worth stating it up front using the wise wording given above, because otherwise if it’s a bbq or picnic or otherwise starting during the day, then quite often kids are allowed, so people might make assumptions.
And definitely put away your breakables. I broke something at a friend’s house recently because even without drink I’m wobbly on my feet (it was a plate hung on a wall next to the stairs and I overbalanced trying to go down the stairs) and I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling guilty about it.
ETA: Good luck! Hope it goes well! If it doesn’t, try again another time.
I had a party years ago and wanted no kids. The invitations said: “Although we love children, my brother Jim will be attending and the courts say he cannot be within 50 yards of minors.”
There were just enough people who didn’t realize it was a joke to make it funny. My brother (who has never even had a speeding ticket) was amused. His now-ex-wife was not.
“Open Houses” are frequently events that are not invitation-only, so you may get people who were not specifically invited, if you refer to it as an “open house.” The term is used a lot to refer to gatherings to introduce new businesses to communities, and they really do want anyone and everyone to stop in, even if only briefly, and the term originated with the real estate industry, I think, when a house was for sale, and it was open for the public to come and look, with food and possibly other reasons for people to stick around for a while and get comfortable in the house.
Anyway, if you have guests bringing guests, and a little bit of word-of-mouth invitation going around, you might end up with kids there, because word didn’t get out that it was adult only. So maybe you shouldn’t use the term “open house.” That’s just my first thought.
Also, you really are going to have to be explicit with “No kids.” We tried to make our wedding kid-free by just inviting people over b’nei mitzvah age by name, and just not inviting any children. Some people RSVP’s for their young children anyway. That made us worry that people who had understood that children weren’t invited, and showed up without them, would see the people whose children had essentially crashed the wedding, and feel snubbed, so we called them, and told them that we’d made arrangements for children if they wanted to bring them, and hired someone to watch young children in the babysitting room. So yeah, you are going to have to come out and say it in so many words, or people will not get it. And I suspect even then, you will get a kid or two.
I also did a podcast called This JW Life where I told my whole story to help people understand what that life was like. It is still available, of course. Now I do a podcast called “shunned” where I help other people to tell their stories, and not just former JWs. The first episode of that is my wife’s story.
Agreed. I’d definitely go to such an event unless I had already committed to something else, and I’d arrange the necessary childcare to do so.
Having said that, I do agree with those who have commented about the risks of an open-ended event. I’ve tried similar before and while it sounds great in theory, in practice you probably get fewer people attending (because they won’t feel committed to it, and so probably won’t show at all), and potential awkwardness of not enough people there. By all means make clear on the invite that it’s not formal, so it doesn’t matter when you arrive/leave, but perhaps make the timings a bit more towards the evening, and shorter.
You may be right, but I think doing so would be the height of rudeness. If an acquaintance of mine did that I’m not sure I’d want them in my house any more, let alone their kids. I think you have to be prepared to say at that point “sorry, I really don’t want kids in my house today, we’re not set up for it”.
Better than saying “Adults only” I suppose. That might give the wrong idea about what kind of party you’re throwing!
Generally speaking, I’d just set the time late enough (like after 8) and emphasize that there will be alcohol. At least in my experience that’s shorthand for a grownups party. But an all-day open house kind of thing almost screams kid-friendly.
Maybe say something like it’s grownups only and a chance to get AWAY from the kids. Better to spin it like that than to imply that you don’t want anything to do with their grotty spawn.
