Help Daddy not freak out.

In My Humble Opinion
1

As some of you know, my daughter begins her freshman year in August at the University of Missouri. She has graduated high school with honors and making plans for a smooth transition to college… Thanks to me and my ex bleeding cash at an amazing rate.

The bad part is she, in my opinion is 18 age wise and 16 emotionally. And she also tends to be the follow the leader type of person.
This is not good as a Freshman at a large University.

I think we have done all that we can do for her. Now it is her turn to show that she can be a responsible young adult.
Additional information: She will have her own vehicle and will not need to work, she will get a “allowance” sent to her checking account weekly.

One last question. Are we babying her too much? She is taking 18 credit hours this semester, so she is not a lazy kid.

Any advice in a similar situation is very welcome.

2

A lot depends on who she hangs out with. If her roommate is irresponsible and your daughter follows her lead, things will go poorly. So encourage your daughter to acquire and maintain good study habits (and perhaps the roommate will follow her lead). But don’t neglect other activities. She should participate in some of the clubs at school. (Some of the best times I had in college were outside the classroom.)

3

If she’s emotionally 16, she’s way ahead of most kids entering college! I work with PhDs that aren’t as emotionally mature as that!

I went to college without a car or allowance and made it. She surely can. My advice would have been against both, but it’s done now…

On the one hand, I think people learn by not being taken care of. Give her room to make mistakes. Love her unconditionally, regardless of what she does. Don’t let your love turn to fear.

On the other hand, children need guidance and involvement from their parents for their entire life. Encourage her to stick to her own values. You don’t see much of the world by following, but you do grow by listening to the ideas of great people.

If I could go back and give myself advice, I would say “Be yourself, and love yourself.” Go after your needs and desires, regardless of what others are doing, and you will find others that share these needs and desires. They will be your best, most trusted friends.

Love yourself. If people are mean or unfriendly to you, it’s not you, it’s them.

I hope your daughter surprises you in interesting and healthy ways.

4

She’ll be fine! She’s an honors kid, so she’s got some semblance of responsibility, and she’s going to be quite busy with those 18 hours.

Umm, ALL the best times I had in college were outside of the classroom. :cool:

5

I think you probably are babying her a little too much, but the odds are she’s going to live. She’s going to make mistakes, though, and she’ll emerge from college a much different person than when she started, but your own work should take root for the most part. The values you’ve instilled will eventually surface, but young adults do a lot of experimentation with identity at that age. Just hope she doesn’t do anything irreversible.

For what t’s worth, it wouldn’t kill her to have a job and pay some of her own expenses. Part of becoming an adult is learning that kind of responsibility

6

She’ll be okay. You might want to encourage her to get a job – a campus job, specifically, as those are not allowed to schedule her at any time that might conflict with her classes. Other employers in college towns are not always so scrupulous.

If you’re worried she’ll find unsavoury things to do with her spare time, you might consider offering to pay dues if she joins an academic or service society you approve of. I wouldn’t suggest a sorority (don’t want to take up TOO much of her time), but every university has at least one organization dedicated to volunteering in the community.

7

As a college student, I think you’re being a bit soft; a car probably isn’t necessary as a freshman, though it will make her popular. And while I had room and board paid for, I was on my own for spending money and had to get a job to pay for it. (Though if you figure that a kid with housing and food paid for needs maybe $50 a week, that’s what, six or seven hours of work? Big deal, that’s maybe two afternoons a week. Have her get a job.)

It’s all dependent on what she does with her free time and who she does it with. Encourage her to do something productive like IM sports, a play, a club, or regular outdoors trips with her friends. And don’t worry; college is a place where people do some stupid things and are cut some slack for it.

I’d have a conversation about your expectations for grades now (you’re paying for it, so you should have some benchmarks) but don’t be Draconian about it; maybe require her to keep her GPA at 3.0 or 2.8, unless she’s going to be trying to get into med or law school. Don’t expect the high grades she got it high school; this is a step closer to real life and she likely won’t maintain the same excellent performance compared to her classmates. Fish, ponds, relative sizes, all that good stuff. A friend of mine is fighting his parents over money because his last grades included his first Cs, leaving him with a 3.4 GPA. Keep some perspective on grades, basically, is what I’m saying.

8

** appleciders** I have made it clear to her that I expect 3.0 at least. There really is no excuse for less at Freshman level. Right?
I could be out of date, so current college people please chime in.
I’m just a wreck, so take pity on me.
Thanks for the advice as always SDMB.

9

I think it’s fair for a high school honors student. College isn’t really that hard, especially during the Freshman year. If you go to class and do the work, it’s almost impossible not to get a B.

There are some possible pitfalls to that – taking on too much of a course load (high school over-achievers tend to do that) or taking a class that’s too advanced too quickly or taking a class that seemed like fun when you signed up for it, but once you get in there, you…just…can’t…get…into…it. Sometimes you might get a lousy instructor too.

The solution to these problems is to drop the class as soon as you realize it was a mistake to sign up for it. Don’t wait around until the drop deadline passes, hoping things will get better. Trying to tough it out never leads to good things.

10

College prof here, though I teach grad students mostly. (At a large uni.)

Nothing the OP says strikes me as out of the ordinary. Is your daughter a little flighty, or has she done things that make you feel she’s not on par with other 18 year olds? Because a lot of 18 year olds don’t act their age.

Since she’s not working, I’m wondering why she has a car, though. If we had our druthers frosh wouldn’t be able to have cars, both because of parking and because of the trouble 18 year olds can get into around the city (DUIs, accidents). We’d also rather they find their entertainment on campus, where we like to think it’s relatively drug and alcohol free. If your daughter has issues with drugs and/or alcohol a car is a very bad idea… and if she has friends with issues with drugs and/or alcohol, that’s bad as well.

I think you might need to have some role playing scenarios. How will she handle kids that want to be her friend because she has a car… and little else? Frosh tend to think that someone they’ve known for 10 minutes is a lifelong friend.

Regarding the grades, I think it depends on a few things. First, what’s her major? I’d expect a 3.0 from a high-achieving kid taking courses in liberal arts and the natural sciences… if she’s in a hard science or engineering major it might be harder. 18 hours is a lot. Personally, I think first years students should take between 12 and 15 hours, because they need time to sleep, work, get to know the campus and community, and get involved in campus life. 18 hours makes that pretty hard, and there’s the danger of the whole “hey, I work hard, so I party hard” mentality to emerge.

The other thing that might be wise if you feel she is a little immature is to give her an allowance biweekly or monthly, like a paycheck. She’ll have to budget then, and that might teach her some responsibility.

Is she good handling a schedule, studying, postponing partying and having a good time until work is done, etc.? A lot of “naturally” smart kids struggle because they were never really challenged in high school. Regardless of how well your kid knows her topics, if she isn’t super organized that 18 hour courseload could be big trouble…

11

One of the big life lessons for me was learning how to handle money. I really think you should encourage her to get a job. Jobs are good, they fill in your spare time, make you feel self reliant and adult, and lay the foundation for living in the real world. They also often involve working with older more mature people who may be a positive influence.

You may be babying her a little. She’s old enough to have a go at standing on her own two feet and having her parents as a fall back for when things go wrong. I don’t think it needs to happen straight away, let her get settled in to college then start easing off on the welfare. Meanwhile put the money that would’ve been her allowance into a bank account that you can dip into when she rings to say “Daddy I’ve made some terrible financial decisions and can’t pay off my credit card.” Don’t let her know you’ve planned for this. Wear shabby clothes the next time you see her to discourage her from relying too much on your finances :D.

12

Are you considering Community College? I hear so many parents say that they want their children to attend big name universities. I also watch as so many of those children flunk out because they are not emotionally prepared for the rigor that goes with it. Community colleges give the kids a chance to finish growing up while at the same time getting their basic classes out of the way at a reduced rate. In the end, it is not about where they start college - it is all about where they finish and how well they do.

13

Full disclosure: Not a parent, but recently graduated from college

I think 18 credit hours is a bit much for the first semester, given she doesn’t even really have a feel for the school yet. That’s enough to make even the smartest kid tear out their hair. Whether she went to a great school or a lousy school in highschool, college is a whole different ballgame and there’s nobody standing over your shoulder to make sure you get your work done. It’s a whole new rhythm and way of life and it takes time to get the hang of it.

And I don’t think never having to work a day in college is going to help her become emotionally mature. The final day of classes in one of my senior Spanish courses ended in a bunch of kids having nervous breakdowns because they couldn’t handle the thought of actually having to support themselves and get jobs. We’re talking 21 year olds. That’s terrifying. Don’t let your kid be like those kids.

And when you say emotionally mature as a 16 year old, what exactly do you mean? That she’d get drunk and have sex if her peers pressured her into doing it? That she doesn’t handle getting her way very well? That she’s insecure? That could mean a lot of different things.

Overall though, I think your kid’s probably going to grow up quite a bit in college, and she will probably do some things she regrets and that hurt her, and that’s totally okay because that’s how you become emotionally mature – by learning from your mistakes (and the mistakes of others, if you’re lucky.) She’ll have some painful moments, but she’ll also have friends there to help her through them, and chances are very good this will be the best experience of her life.

14

I don’t want to come across as snarky here, but how come your 18 year old daughter doesn’t have a job?

I know university in the US works completely differently to university here in Australia, but maybe your daughter would gain more from going out and working for a year or two before going to university?

That way she gets important life skills, earns some money, and can still take up her studies when she’s a bit older and might have grown up a bit more.

15

I work at a college, and, in my experience, most college freshmen are good people who do just fine. Because she’s taking eighteen hours, I wouldn’t encourage an outside job at this point, but I would consider encouraging her to work part-time next year, once she’s gotten into the swing of things academically. Like Hippy Hollow, I’d urge you to make deposits into her account monthly, not weekly. That way she’ll begin to learn the importance of budgeting. I assume she has a meal plan, so if she blows through all of the money in the first week, she won’t starve. But she will learn that she has to plan ahead if she wants to make it through the end of the month with cash.

I also strongly suggest that you let her be the one who interacts with the registrar’s office, the financial aid office, etc. I work in study abroad, and you’d be surprised how many parents call me on behalf of their little darlings. Not because there’s a problem, but because the students can’t be bothered to come to my office and talk to me themselves. It does not make a good impression.

16

I just finished a three year tenure as an RA at a large state school, and I think I have some perspective to offer on the emotional and academic development of freshmen. First, parents are rarely in an position to accurately develop the emotional development of their children, she might be better off than you currently believe or she might be worse. Only time will tell.

Second, I would have some pause about providing a car and large allowance to a freshman. You seem to be saying that this is not an insignificant expense for yourself, why are you working so hard to provide something that’s really a, “luxury,” for a freshman? You don’t discuss the level of the allowance, but in my experience, ready access to a large amount of money that they had not worked for themselves was rarely conductive to development in their academic lives or otherwise. A little bit of spending money can help them to socialize, go to dinner with friends, etc., but they’re an adult now and can be responsible for funding some of their own entertainment.

Otherwise, good luck, students often make the transition more smoothly than parents anticipate, and college can be a great experience on many levels.

17

Two cents from a college prof who has seen lots and lots of immature freshmen (and been one herself):

I’d actually advise against the job, at least during the first semester of college. Work during summers and school breaks, fine – but when she’s at college, school IS her job. Note that 18 credit hours probably translates to at least 36 hours of work a week outside of the classroom, and working 54 hours a week at one’s primary job AND holding a second job is a bit much. Is it doable? Yes. Should it be avoided if the student’s family can possibly afford to avoid it? Hell, yes.

18 credit hours allows her to drop a class but keep her full-time student status. Make sure she knows she does have this option, and is aware of the deadline for withdrawing from a course without penalty. If she finds that she’s bitten off more than she can chew, there’s no shame in scaling back.

Note that your daughter’s life at college is her responsibility and hers alone. She needs to handle any conflicts with profs, friends, roommates, etc. herself – your responsibility is confined to providing a sympathetic ear if she needs to talk about the current drama in her life. In particular, the ONLY time you should be talking to any of her profs is when your daughter introduces you at graduation; it’s illegal for them to discuss her academic work with you without her explicit permission, and a bad idea even with permission.

Professors have office hours. Campuses have writing centers, counseling centers, career services, academic advisors, and such. Make sure she knows these services are there (they’ll tell her at orientation, but reinforce the message before she leaves). Too often, students who are struggling fail to seek help until it’s too late.

She’s probably more grown up than you think she is, and if she isn’t, after the first year of college she will be. Sometimes growing up is painful, but it’s natural and inevitable. In other words, don’t feel like you need to rush in and fix things if she gets into minor trouble (and most of the stuff that can happen at college is minor, in the grand scheme of things – if it’s not the kind of trouble that involves people going to the hospital or to jail, she can probably work it out for herself).

18

Relatively recent graduate here ('04) - and my parents sent me off to school in much the same way you sent off your daughter, ie. car, allowance, etc.

Most 18-year-olds are immature. I was 16 when I went to college and everyone else was just as childish as I was.

18 hours is an awful lot, even though she won’t be working. I strongly advise you to let her drop a course, particularly if she’s in honors classes.
I took 12 most semesters, 15 once or twice, and 9 during my last semester. That said, I was also working 20-40 hours after freshman year.

At some campuses you really, really need a car. I don’t know what the U of Missouri is like, but at my college you were pretty screwed if you didn’t have one, even if you lived on campus.

I couldn’t agree with this more. Minimize her disposable cashflow as much as you possibly can, at least for the first year. The college almost certainly has a meal plan - buy the “three meals a day” option and reduce her spending money accordingly. If she falls in with the wrong crowd (okay, most crowds) her excess cash is probably going to go for booze or (possibly) drugs. There’s nothing wrong with either, IMHO - most people I knew in college drank a fair amount and there were plenty of recreational drug users, 95% did just as well as anyone else - but you probably don’t want her spending money on that stuff.

Last thing - encourage her to stay away from sororities. I was in a fraternity, but fraternities allow you to choose your own level of involvement for the most part. Joining a sorority involves an extremely large commitment of time (and money),

19

Good advice above. One money-related point I’ll mention is to consider how you will handle beginning-of-semester expenses, especially books. 18 credit hours is going to translate into at least a couple hundred dollars worth of books. Do you plan to pay for these, or does she? What about next semester’s? Should she be saving for them out of her allowance? Is she getting any scholarships or loans? These payments are not always available on day 1 of the semester. Does she have a plan to manage cash flow? Also, have you talked about credit cards? She will get a million offers for them, and at 18 she is an adult. Credit cards, or at least debit cards, are almost a practical necessity, so don’t ignore the issue.

Also, you may want to have her look at the logistical nightmare of getting to 18 hours of classes. My first semester I had one insane mad dash down 4 flights of steps, across campus, and up 5 flights of steps in buildings with no evelators. I also scheduled classes straight through lunch (=no mealplan lunch) every Monday-not good! It is possible to create impossible schedules on large campuses.

Best of luck to you both!

20

Be prepared for changes of plan.

I went off to Waterloo University to study architecture, things went fine for the first year, then I flamed out at the end of third term, came home, was depressed, pulled myself together, got a job, applied to Sheridan College for electronics technology, took summer courses, and started off in second year in electronics.

In first year, a car is definitely not necessary if you are living on campus or nearby. All first-year students at Waterloo had to live in residence on campus, so everything was walking or bicycling distance.